Transcript #7: My Fair Lady
Part 3 of 3
Continued from part 2 of 3
HIGGINS. Goodnight, Pickering. Oh! Mrs Pearce! Oh, damn; I meant to ask her to give me coffee in the morning instead of tea. Leave a little note for her, Eliza, and put out the lights.
[ELIZA TURNS OUT THE LIGHTS AND STAYS IN THE DARK, CRYING SILENTLY]
HIGGINS ...left it downstairs. Oh! Darn it, I’ll leave my head behind one of these days. What the devil have I done with my slippers?
ELIZA. Here are your slippers!! There!! And there!!! Take your slippers; and may you never have a day's luck with them!
HIGGINS. What on earth? What's the matter? Is anything wrong?
ELIZA. No, nothing wrong with you. I've won your bet for you, haven't I? That’s enough for you. I don't matter, I suppose.
HIGGINS. You won my bet! You presumptuous insect! I won it. What did you throw those slippers at me for?
ELIZA. Because I wanted to smash your face. I could kill you, you selfish brute. Why didn't you leave me where you picked me out of in the gutter? You thank God it's all over, and that now you can throw me back again there, do you?
HIGGINS. Oh, so the creature's nervous after all.
[ELIZA RUNS AT HIM TO SCRATCH HIS FACE]
HIGGINS. Claws in, you cat. How dare you show your temper to me? Sit down and be quiet.
ELIZA. What's to become of me? What's to become of me?
HIGGINS. How the devil do I know what's to become of you? What does it matter what becomes of you?
ELIZA. You don't care. I know you don't care. You wouldn't care if I was dead. I'm nothing to you, not as much as them slippers.
HIGGINS. Those slippers.
ELIZA. Those slippers. I didn't think it made any difference now.
HIGGINS. Why have you suddenly begun going on like this? May I ask if you complain of your treatment here?
ELIZA. No.
HIGGINS. Has anybody behaved badly? Colonel Pickering? Mrs Pearce?
ELIZA. No.
HIGGINS. Well, you don't pretend that I have treated you badly.
ELIZA. No.
HIGGINS. No, I am glad to hear that. Perhaps you're tired after the strain of the day. Would you have a chocolate?
ELIZA. No!! Thank you.
HIGGINS. Well, it's only natural that you should be anxious. But it's all over now. Nothing more to worry about.
ELIZA. No. Nothing more for you to worry about. Oh God! I wish I was dead.
HIGGINS. Why? In heaven's name, why? Now listen to me, Eliza, all this irritation is purely subjective.
ELIZA. I don't understand. I'm too ignorant.
HIGGINS. It's just imagination. Nothing's wrong. Nobody's hurting you. Now you go to bed and sleep it off. Have a little cry and say your prayers, and you'll feel very much more comfortable.
ELIZA. I heard your prayers. "Thank God it's all over!"
HIGGINS. Well, don't you thank God it's all over? Now you're free and can do what you like.
ELIZA. What am I fit for? What have you left me fit for? Where am I to go? What am I to do? What's to become of me?
HIGGINS. Oh, that's what's worrying you, is it? Oh, I wouldn't worry about that if I were you. I'm sure you won't have any difficulty in settling yourself somewhere or other. I hadn't quite realised you were going away. You might marry, you know. You see, Eliza, all men are not confirmed old bachelors like me and the Colonel. Most men are the marrying sort (poor devils!). Anyway, you're not bad-looking; you're really quite a pleasure to look at sometimes; well, not now, of course, when you've been crying, you look like the very devil; but, I mean, when you're all right and quite yourself, you're what I would call attractive. Now you go to bed and have a good night's rest and then get up in the morning and have a look at yourself in a glass; you won't feel so bad. I daresay my mother might find some fellow or other who'd do very well.
ELIZA. We were above that at Covent Garden.
HIGGINS. What do you mean?
ELIZA. I sold flowers. I didn't sell myself. Now you've made a lady of me I'm not fit to sell anything else.
HIGGINS. Oh tosh, Eliza. Don't insult human relations by dragging all that cant about buying and selling into it. You don't have to marry the fellow if you don't want to.
ELIZA. What else am I to do?
HIGGINS. Oh, lots of things. What about the old idea of a florist's shop? I'm sure Pickering would set you up in one, he's got lots of money, he paid for all those togs you're wearing tonight; and that, with the hire of the jewellery, would make a big hole in two hundred pounds. Oh come on now, you'll be alright. Well, I must be off to bed; I'm really devilish sleepy. I was looking for something, what was it?
ELIZA. Your slippers.
HIGGINS. Oh yes, of course. You shied them at me.
ELIZA. Before you go, sir ...
HIGGINS. Eh?
ELIZA. Do my clothes belong to me or to Colonel Pickering?
HIGGINS. What the devil use would they be to Pickering? Why would you bother about that in he middle of the night?
ELIZA. I want to know what I may take away with me. I don't want to be accused of stealing.
HIGGINS. Stealing! You shouldn't have said that, Eliza; that shows a want of feeling.
ELIZA. I'm sorry. I'm only a common ignorant girl; and in my station I have to be careful. There can't be any feelings between the likes of you and the likes of me. Please will you tell me what belongs to me and what doesn't?
HIGGINS. Take the whole damned houseful if you want. Except the jewellery; that's hired.
ELIZA. Stop, please. Will you take these to your room and keep them safe? I don't want to run the risk of them being missed.
HIGGINS. Hand them over. If these belonged to me and not the jeweller, I'd ram them down your ungrateful throat!
ELIZA. The ring isn't the jeweller's, it's the one you bought me in Brighton. I don't want it now. [HIGGINS TAKES IT AND THROWS IT INTO THE FIREPLACE] Don't you hit me!!
HIGGINS. Hit you! You infamous creature, how dare you suggest such a thing? It is you who have hit me. You have wounded me to the heart.
ELIZA. I'm glad. I've got a little bit of my own back, anyhow.
HIGGINS. You have caused me to lose my temper, a thing that has hardly ever happened to me before. I don't wish to discuss it further tonight. I am going to bed.
ELIZA. You'd better leave your own note for Mrs. Pearce about the coffee; for it won't be done by me.
HIGGINS. Damn Mrs Pearce; damn the coffee; and damn you; and damn my own folly in having lavished my hard-earned knowledge and the treasure of my regard and intimacy on a heartless guttersnipe.
[HE WALKS OUT ANGRILY. ELIZA GOES TO THE FIREPLACE AND PICKS UP THE RING]
ELIZA:
Just you wait, ‘enry ‘iggins, just you wait.
You'll be sorry but your tears'll be too late.
You will be the one it's done to
And you'll have no one to run to.
Just you wait—
[SHE PUTS THE RING DOWN AGAIN]
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
SCENE - THE STREET OUTSIDE PROFESSOR HIGGINS’ HOUSE. IT IS NIGHT. FREDDIE IS STILL WAITING.
FREDDIE:
I have often walked down this street before
But the pavement always stayed beneath my feet before;
All at once, am I
Several stories high.
Knowing I'm on the street where you live.
Are there lilac trees in the heart of town?
Can you hear a lark in any other part of town.
Does enchantment pour out of every door?
No, it's just on the street where you live.
And oh! the towering feeling
Just to know somehow you are near.
The overpowering feeling,
That any second you may suddenly appear.
People stop and stare, they don't—
[THE DOOR OF HIGGINS’ HOUSE OPENS AND ELIZA COMES OUT, CARRYING LUGGAGE]
FREDDIE. Darling!
ELIZA. Freddie, whatever are you doing here?
FREDDIE. Nothing. I spend most of my nights here; it's the only place where I'm happy. Don't laugh at me, Miss Doolittle.
ELIZA. Don't you call me “Miss Doolittle”, do you hear? Eliza's good enough for me. Oh, Freddie, you don't think I'm a heartless guttersnipe, do you?
FREDDIE. Darling, how could you imagine such a thing? You know how I feel. I've written two or three times a day telling you; sheets and sheets.
Speak and the world is full of singing,
And I am winging higher than the birds.
Touch and my heart begins to crumble,
The heavens tumble, darling, and I'm -
ELIZA: Words! Words! Words! I'm so sick of words!
I get words all day through;
First from him now from you!
Is that all you blighters can do?
Don't talk of stars, burning above;
If you're in love, show me!
Tell me no dreams filled with desire
If you're on fire, show me!
Here we are together in the middle of the night!
Don't talk of spring! Just hold me tight!
Anyone who's every been love will tell you that
This is no time for a chat!
Haven't your lips longed for my touch?
Don't say how much, show me! Show me!
Don't talk of love lasting through time.
Make me no undying vow.
Show me now!
Sing me no song! Read me no rhyme!
Don't waste my time, show me!
Don't talk of June, don't talk of fall!
Don't talk at all! Show me!
Never do I ever want to hear another word
There isn't one I haven't heard.
Here we are together in what ought to be a dream;
Say one more word and I'll scream!
Haven't your arms hungered for mine?
Please don't "expl'ine," show me! Show me!
Don't wait until wrinkles and lines
Pop out all over my brow,
Show me now!
FREDDIE. Eliza, where are you going?
ELIZA. To the river.
FREDDIE. What for?
ELIZA. To make a hole in it.
FREDDIE. Eliza, darling, what do you mean?
ELIZA. Taxi!
FREDDIE. Taxi! ... but I've no money.
ELIZA. I have.
FREDDIE. Where are we going?
ELIZA. Where I belong!
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
SCENE - THE TAXI ARRIVES COVENT GARDEN. FREDDIE AND ELIZA GET OUT. SHE LOOKS LIKE A PERFECT LADY. IT IS VERY EARLY IN THE MORNING AND THE FLOWER MARKET IS NOT YET OPEN.
FREDDIE. Darling, shall I come with you? [ELIZA SHAKES HER HEAD TO SAY NO]
CHORUS OF FLOWER WORKERS:
With one enormous chair
Oh wouldn't it be lovely?
Lots of chocolate for me to eat
Lots of coal making lots of heat
Warm face, warm hands, warm feet.
Oh, wouldn't it be lovely?
Oh so lovely sitting abso-blooming-lutely still!
I would never budge 'til spring crept over my window sill.
Someone's head resting on my knee,
Warm and tender as he can be.
Who takes good care of me,
Oh, wouldn't it be lovely?
FLOWER GIRL. Buy a flower, Miss?
ELIZA. Yes, please.
ONLOOKER 1. Oh good morning, Miss. Can I help you?
ELIZA. Do mind if I warm my hands?
ONLOOKER 1. Go right ahead, Miss.
ONLOOKER 2. Hel...
ELIZA. Yes?
ONLOOKER 2. Oh, excuse me, miss. For a second I thought you was somebody else.
ELIZA. Who?
ONLOOKER 2. Forgive me, ma'am; early morning light playing tricks with my eyes.
ONLOOKER 3. Can I get you a taxi, ma'am? A lady like you shouldn't be walking alone round London this hour of the morning.
ELIZA. No, thank you.
[SHE WALKS NEAR THE PUB THAT HER FATHER WAS THROWN OUT OF EARLIER IN THE FILM. A WELL-DRESSED MAN IS COMING OUT]
PUB GUEST ...we’ll have to call you Mr Doolittle now.
BARTENDER. Do come again, Mr. Doolittle. We value your patronage always.
DOOLITTLE. Thank you, my good man, thank you. Here, come here. Take the missus on a trip to Brighton, with my compliments.
BARTENDER. Oh! thank you, Mr. Doolittle.
DOOLITTLE. Charming spot this, Harry. We must visit it more often.
ELIZA. Father?
ELIZA. What are you talking about? What're you dressed up for?
DOOLITTLE. As if you didn't know. Go on back to that Wimpole Street devil, tell him what he's done to me.
ELIZA. What's he done to you?
DOOLITTLE. Ruined me, that's all. Tied me up and delivered me into the hands of middle class morality; and don't you defend him. Was it him, or was it not him, who wrote to an old American blighter, named Wallingford who was giving five millions to found Moral Reform Societies, to tell him the most original moralist in England was Mr. Alfred P Doolittle, a common dustman?
ELIZA. It sounds like one of his jokes.
DOOLITTLE. You may call it a joke but it's put the lid on me, proper. The old bloke died and left me four thousand pounds a year in his blooming will. Who asked him to make a gentleman out of me? I was happy, I was free. I touched pretty nigh everyone for money when I wanted it, same as I touched him. Now I'm tied neck and heels; and everybody touches me. A year ago I hadn't a relation in the world except one or two that wouldn't speak to me. Now I've fifty, and not a decent week's wages amongst the lot of 'em. Oh, I have to live for others now, not for myself. Middle class morality.
JAMIE. Come one, Alfie, another couple of hours and we have to be at the church.
ELIZA. Church!
DOOLITTLE. Yeah, church; the deepest cut of all. Well, why do think I'm dressed up like a ruddy pallbearer? Your stepmother wants to marry me. Now I'm respectable she wants to be respectable.
ELIZA. Well, if that's the way you feel about it why don't you give the money back?
DOOLITTLE. That's the tragedy of it, Eliza. It's easy to say "chuck it", but I haven't the nerve. We're all intimidated, that's what we are. Intimidated; bought up. Yeah, that's what I am, that's what your precious professor's brought me to.
ELIZA. Not my precious professor.
DOOLITTLE. Oh! Sent you back has he? First he shoves me in the middle class, then he chucks you out for me to support you; that's all part of his plan. But you double-cross him, don't you come back home to me. Don't you take tuppence from me. You stand on your own two feet, you're a lady now and you can do it! Yeah, that's right, Eliza, you're a lady now.
FREDDIE. Eliza, it's getting awfully cold in that taxi.
DOOLITTLE. Here, Eliza, would you like to come see me turned off [=LITERALLY "EXECUTED BY HANGING"] this morning, eh? St. George's, Hanover Square, ten o'clock. I wouldn't advise it but you're welcome.
ELIZA. No thank you, dad.
DOOLITTLE. No.
FREDDIE. Are you all finished here, Eliza?
ELIZA. Yes, Freddie, I'm all finished here. Good luck, dad.
DOOLITTLE. Thank you, Eliza.
JAMIE. Come along, Alfie.
DOOLITTLE. How much time have I got left?
JAMIE & HARRY IN CHORUS:
There's just a few more hours
That's all the time you've got.
A few more hours
Before they tie the knot.
DOOLITTLE. There's drinks and girls all over London and I’ve got to track them down in just a few more hours! Ha ha! Set 'em up, me darling!
I'm getting married in the morning!
Ding, dong, the bells are going to chime.
Pull out the stopper!
Let's have a whopper!
But get me to the church on time!
I've got to be there in the morning
Spruced up and looking in my prime.
Girls, come and kiss me
show how you'll miss me.
But get me to the church on time.
If I am dancing
Roll up the floor.
If I am whistling
Whisk me out the door!
I'm getting married in the morning
Ding, dong the bells are going to chime
Kick up a rumpus, but don't lose the compass
And get me to the church
ALL IN CHORUS: Get him to the church
DOOLITTLE. For God's sake get me to the church on time.
DOOLITTLE & CHORUS:
I'm getting married in the morning
Ding, dong, the bells are going to chime.
Some bloke who's able
Lift up the table,
And get me to the church on time.
If I am flying,
Then shoot me down.
If I am wooing
Get her out of town.
For I'm getting married in the morning
Ding, dong, the bells are going to chime.
DOOLITTLE:
Feather and tar me;
Call out the army;
But get me to the church
Get me to the church
For God's sake get me to the church on time.
CHORUS:
He's getting married in the morning
Ding, dong, the bells are going to chime
DOOLITTLE:
Pull out the stopper, let's have a whopper
But get me to the church on time.
CHORUS:
He's got to be there in the morning
Spruced up and looking in his prime
DOOLITTLE:
Girls, come and kiss me;
Show how you'll miss me
But get me to the church on time.
If I am dancing
Roll up the floor.
If I am whistling
Whisk me out the door!
CHORUS:
Oh, he's getting married in the morning
Ding, dong, the bells are going to chime.
DOOLITTLE:
Drug me or jail me;
Stamp me and mail me;
But get me to the church...
CHORUS. Get him to the church...
DOOLITTLE. For God's sake get me to the church on time.
CHORUS:
Girls, come and kiss him;
Show how you'll miss him
And get him to the church on time.
Kick up a rumpus, but don't lose the compass
And get him to the church on time.
MALE CHORUS:
If I am flying, then shoot me down
If I am wooing get her out of town.
CHORUS:
He's getting married in the morning
Ding, dong, the bells are going to chime.
ONLOOKER 1. Some bloke who's able
ONLOOKER 2. Lift up the table
DOOLITTLE. And get me to the church on time.
CHORUS:
But get him to the church,
Get him to the church.
JAMIE & HARRY:
Starlight is reeling home to bed now.
Morning is smearing up the sky.
CHORUS:
London is waking.
Daylight is breaking.
JAMIE & HARRY:
Good luck, old chum,
Good health, goodbye.
DOOLITTLE:
I'm getting married in the morning
Ding, dong, the bells are going to chime...
CHORUS:
Hail and salute me
Then haul off and boot me...
And get me to the church,
Get me to the church...
For God's sake get me to the church on time!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
[SCENE - PROFESSOR HIGGINS AT HIS HOME. HE IS WITH MRS PEARCE AND LOOKS VERY UPSET]
HIGGINS Pickering! Pickering! Didn't she even say where to send her clothes?
MRS. PEARCE. I told you, sir, she took them all with her.
HIGGINS. Pickering!
PICKERING What's the matter?
HIGGINS. Here's a confounded thing, Eliza's bolted!
PICKERING. Bolted?
HIGGINS. Last night, Mrs. Pearce let her go without telling me a thing about it.
PICKERING. Well, I'm dashed.
HIGGINS. Well, what am I to do? I got tea this morning instead of coffee; I don't know where anything is; I don't know when my appointments are.
MRS. PEARCE. Eliza would know.
HIGGINS. Course she'd know but, damn it, she's gone!
MRS. PEARCE. Did any of you gentlemen frighten her last night?
PICKERING. Last night? We hardly said a word to her. You were there - did you bully her after I went to bed?
HIGGINS. Just the other way about. She threw her slippers at me. I never gave her the slightest provocation; her slippers suddenly came "bang!" at my head before I'd uttered a word. She used the most disgraceful language; I was shocked!
PICKERING. Well, I'm dashed.
HIGGINS. I don't understand it. We've always given her every consideration; she admitted it herself.
PICKERING. Well, I'm dashed.
HIGGINS. Oh! Pickering, for God's sake stop being dashed and do something.
PICKERING. What?
HIGGINS. Well, phone the police; what are they there for in heaven's name?
MRS. PEARCE. Mr. Higgins, you can't give Eliza's name to the police as if she were a thief or a lost umbrella.
HIGGINS. Why not? I want to find the girl. She belongs to me, I paid five pounds for her.
PICKERING. Quite right. Hello ...Scotland Yard please ... Get me some coffee, would you please, Mrs... er ... Pearce, of course.
MRS. PEARCE. Yes, sir.
PICKERING. Scotland Yard?... I beg your pardon, yes, Colonel Pickering speaking ... Hugh Pickering, 27A Wimpole Street ... I want to report a missing person ... a Miss Eliza Doolittle...about 21 ... Oooh, I should say about five-foot seven ... Her eyes? Oh, let me think now, her eyes ... her eyes, er -
HIGGINS. Brown.
PICKERING. Brown, yes ... No, no, no ... no ... Her hair? Oh, good Lord, let me— well, a sort of nondescript, neutral sort of -
HIGGINS. Brown! Brown! Brown!
PICKERING. Do you hear what he said, brown, brown, brown, yes ... No, no, no, this is her residence; 27A— yes, yes ... Er, about between three and four this morning I understand ... yes, no, no, no no; rela—? no, she's no relation, no ... What? Well, just let's call her a good friend, shall we? ... I beg your pardon! Listen to me, my man, I don't like the tenor of that question. What the girl does here is our affair. Your affair is to get her back so that she can continue doing it. Well, I'm dashed.
HIGGINS:
What in all of heaven could have prompted her to go,
After such a triumph as the ball?
What could have depressed her
What could have possessed her?
I cannot understand the wretch at all.
PICKERING. Higgins, I have an old school chum at the Home Office. Perhaps he can help. I think I'll give him a ring. Whitehall seven-two-double-four please.
HIGGINS:
Women are irrational, that's all there is to that!
There heads are full of cotton, hay, and rags!
They're nothing but exasperating, irritating vacillating, calculating, agitating,
Maddening and infuriating hags!
PICKERING. Oh, I want to speak to Mr. Brewster Budgin, please ...Brew—...yes, I'll wait.
HIGGINS. Pickering, why can't a woman be more like a man?
PICKERING. I beg your pardon?
Men are so honest, so thoroughly square;
Eternally noble, historically fair;
Who, when you win, will always give your back a pat.
Well, why can't a woman be like that?
Why does every one do what the others do?
Can't a woman learn to use her head?
Why do they do everything their mothers do?
Why don't they grow up - well, like their father instead?
Why can't a woman take after a man?
Men are so pleasant, so easy to please;
Whenever you are with them, you're always at ease.
Would you be slighted if I didn't speak for hours?
PICKERING. Of course not!
HIGGINS. Would you be livid if I had a drink or two?
PICKERING. Nonsense.
HIGGINS. Would you be wounded if I never sent you flowers?
PICKERING. Never.
HIGGINS. Well, why can't a woman be like you?
One man in a million may shout a bit.
Now and then there's one with slight defects;
One, perhaps, whose truthfulness you doubt a bit.
But by and large we are a marvellous sex!
Why can't a woman take after a man?
Because men are so friendly, good-natured and kind.
A better companion you never will find.
If I were hours late for dinner, would you bellow?
PICKERING. Of course not!
HIGGINS. If I forgot your silly birthday, would you fuss?
PICKERING. Nonsense.
HIGGINS: Would you complain if I took out another fellow?
PICKERING. Never.
HIGGINS. Well, why can't a woman be like us?
PICKERING. Oh! Hello, Mr Brewster Budgin there?...Brewsy, Brewsy, you'll never guess who this is ... You're quite right! yes it is; good heavens; by George, what a memory ... How are you, Brewsy?...Nice to hear your voice ... What? ... Oh, don't say that; is it really thirty years? Good heavens ...Yes, you're quite right, oceans of water ... Listen, listen, Brewsy, I'll tell you why I rang. Something rather unpleasant's happened this end; could I come and see you?... Hmmm, well I could, yes; now; straight away ... Right ho, good, thank you, thank you ... Good bye, Brewsy; thank you very much.
Oh, Mrs. Pearce, I'm going along to the Home Office.
MRS. PEARCE. Oh, I do hope you find her, Colonel Pickering; Mr. Higgins will miss her.
PICKERING. Mr. Higgins will miss her, eh? Blast Mr. Higgins! I'll miss her.
HIGGINS. Pickering! Pickering? Oh, Mrs Pearce!
MRS. PEARCE Yes, sir?
HIGGINS. Where's the Colonel?
MRS. PEARCE. He's gone to the Home Office, sir.
HIGGINS. Oh, there you are, I'm disturbed and he runs for help; now, there's a good fellow. Mrs. Pearce, you're a woman...
Why can't a woman be more like a man?
Men are so decent, such regular chaps.
Ready to help you through any mishaps.
Ready to buck you up whenever you are glum.
Why can't a woman ... be a chum?
Why is thinking something women never do?
I mean, why is logic never even tried?
Straightening up their hair is all they ever do.
Why don't they straighten up the mess that's inside?
Why can't a woman ... behave like a man?
If I was a woman who'd been to a ball,
Been hailed as a princess by one and by all;
Would I start weeping like a bathtub overflowing?
And carry on as if my home were in a tree?
Would I run off and never tell me where I'm going?
Why can't a woman be like me?
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
[SCENE - PROFESSOR HIGGINS’ MOTHER’S HOUSE. ELIZA AND MRS HIGGINS ARE TALKING]
MRS. HIGGINS. Do you mean to say that after you'd done this wonderful thing for them without making a single mistake, they just sat there and never said a word to you, never petted you or admired you, or told you how splendid you'd been?
ELIZA. Not a word. They just sat there congratulating each other on how marvellous they'd been; and the next moment on how glad they were it was all over and what a bore it had all been.
MRS. HIGGINS. This is simply appalling. I should not have thrown my slippers at him, I should have thrown the fire irons.
ELIZA. What's that?
MRS. HIGGINS. Henry. I knew it wouldn't be too long. Remember, you not only danced with a prince last night, you behaved like a princess.
HIGGINS. Mother, the most confounded thing, do you ... You!?
ELIZA. Good afternoon, Professor Higgins. Are you quite well?
HIGGINS. Am I...?
ELIZA. Of course you are, you are never ill. Would you care for some tea?
HIGGINS. Don't you dare try that game on me; I taught it to you! Now you get up and go home and stop being a fool; you've caused me enough trouble for one morning.
MRS. HIGGINS. Very nicely put indeed, Henry. No woman could resist such an invitation.
HIGGINS. Well, how did the baggage get here in the first place?
HIGGINS. What, do you mean to say that I'm to put on my Sunday manners for this thing that I created out of the squashed cabbage leaves of Covent Garden?
MRS. HIGGINS. That's precisely what I mean.
HIGGINS. Then I'll see her damned first.
MRS. HIGGINS. However did you learn good manners with my son around?
ELIZA. It was very difficult. I should never have known how ladies and gentlemen behave if it hadn't been for Colonel Pickering. He always showed me that he felt and thought about me as if I was something better than a common flower girl. You see, Mrs Higgins, apart from the things one can pick up, the difference between a lady and a flower girl is not how she behaves, but how she is treated. I shall always be a flower girl to Professor Higgins because he always treats me as a flower girl, and always will. But I know I shall always be lady to Colonel Pickering because he always treats me as a lady, and always will.
MRS. HIGGINS. Henry, don't grind your teeth.
THE PARLOUR-MAID. The Bishop is here, madam. Shall I show him into the garden?
MRS. HIGGINS. The Bishop and the Professor! Good heavens, no. I shall be excommunicated. I'll see him in the library. Eliza, if my son starts breaking up things, I give you full permission to have him evicted. Henry, dear, I suggest you stick to two subjects, the weather and your health.
HIGGINS. Well, you've had a bit of your own back, as you call it. Now, have you had enough and are you going to be reasonable or do you want any more?
ELIZA. You want me back only to pick up your slippers and put up with your tempers and fetch and carry for you.
HIGGINS. Now, I didn't say I wanted you back at all.
ELIZA. Oh, indeed! Then what are we talking about?
HIGGINS. Well, about you, not about me. If you come back you'll be treated as you've always been treated. I can't change my nature, and I don't intend to change my manners. My manners are exactly the same as Colonel Pickering's!
ELIZA. That's not true, he treats a flower girl as if she were a duchess.
HIGGINS. Well, I treat a duchess as if she were a flower girl.
ELIZA. Oh, I see; the same to everybody.
HIGGINS. Just so. You see the great secret, Eliza, is not a question of good manners, or bad manners, or any particular sort of manner, but having the same manner for all human souls. The question is not whether I treat you rudely or whether you've ever heard me treat anyone else better.
ELIZA. I don't care how you treat me; I don't mind your swearing at me; I shouldn't mind a black eye, I've had one before this, but I won't be passed over!
HIGGINS. Then get out of my way for I won't stop for you. You talk about me as though I were a motorbus.
ELIZA. So you are a motorbus, all bounce and go and no consideration for anybody. But I can get along without you; don't you think I can't.
HIGGINS. I know you can. I told you you could. You've never wondered, I suppose, whether I could get along without you.
ELIZA. Don't you try to get around me; you'll have to.
HIGGINS. So I can, without you or any soul on earth. I shall miss you, Eliza. I've learnt something from your idiotic notions; I confess that, humbly and gratefully.
ELIZA. Well, you have my voice on your gramophone, when you feel lonely without me, you can turn it on, it has no feelings to hurt.
HIGGINS. Well, I ... I can't turn your soul on.
ELIZA. Oooh! You are a devil! You can twist the heart in a girl just as easily as someone can twist her arms to hurt her. What am I to come back for?
HIGGINS. For the fun of it; that's why I took you on.
ELIZA. And you may throw me out tomorrow if I don't do everything you want me to?
HIGGINS. Yes! And you may walk out tomorrow if I don't do everything you want me to.
ELIZA. And live with my father?
HIGGINS. Yes, or sell flowers. Or would you rather marry Pickering?
ELIZA. I would marry you if you asked me, and you're nearer my age than what he is.
HIGGINS. Than he is.
ELIZA. I talk as I like; you're not my teacher now. That's not what I want and don't you think it is. I've always had chaps enough wanting me that way. Freddie Hill writes me twice and three times a day; sheets and sheets.
HIGGINS. Oh! In short you want me to be as infatuated about you as he is, is that it?
ELIZA. No, I don't; that's not the sort of feeling I want from you. I want a little kindness. I know I'm a common ignorant girl, and you're a book-learned gentleman, but I'm not dirt under your feet. What I done ... what I did, was not for the taxis and the dresses, but because we were pleasant together; and I come to ... came to care for you ...not to want you want to make love to me, and not forgetting the difference between us, but more friendly-like.
HIGGINS. Well of course; that's how I feel ... and how Pickering feels. Eliza you're a fool.
ELIZA. That's not the proper answer to give me!
HIGGINS. It's the only answer you'll get until you stop being a plain idiot. If you're going to be a lady, you'll have give up feeling neglected if the men you know don't spend half their time snivelling over you and the other half giving you black eyes. You find me cold, unfeeling, selfish, don't you? Well, be off with you to the sort of people you like. Marry some sentimental hog with lots of money and a thick pair of lips to kiss you with and a thick pair of boots to kick you with. If you can't appreciate what you've got, you'd better get what you can appreciate.
ELIZA. Oh, I can't talk to you, you always turn everything against me, I'm always in the wrong, but don't be too sure that you have me under your feet to be trampled on and talked down. I'll marry Freddie, I will, as soon as I'm able to support him.
HIGGINS. Freddie! That poor devil who couldn't get a job as an errand boy even if he had the guts to try for it? Woman, don't you understand, I've made you a consort for a King!
ELIZA. Freddie loves me, that makes him king enough for me. I don't want him to work. He wasn't brought up to it as I was. I'll go and be a teacher.
HIGGINS. What would you teach, in heaven's name?
ELIZA. What you taught me. I'll teach phonetics.
HIGGINS. Ha, ha, ha!
ELIZA. I'll offer myself as an assistant to that brilliant Hungarian.
HIGGINS. What! That impostor; that humbug; that toadying ignoramus? Teach him my methods, my discoveries? You take one step in that direction and I'll wring your neck, you hear?
ELIZA. Wring away! What do I care? I knew you'd strike me one day.
ELIZA. Ah! That's done you 'enry 'iggins, it has! Now I don't care that f' yer bullying an' yer big talk.
What a fool I was!
What a dominated fool!
To think you were the earth and sky.
What a fool I was!
What an addle-pated fool!
What a mutton-headed dolt was I!
Now my reverberating friend,
You are not the beginning and the end!
HIGGINS. You impudent hussy! There's not an idea in your head or a word in your mouth that I haven't put there.
ELIZA:There'll be spring every year without you.
England still will be here without you.
There'll be fruit on the tree
And a shore by the sea
There'll be crumpets and tea without you.
Art and music will thrive without you.
Somehow Keats will survive without you.
And there still will be rain on that plain down in Spain,
Even that will remain without you.
I can do without you.
You, dear friend, who talk so well,
You can go to Hertford, Hereford and Hampshire.
They can still rule the land without you.
Windsor Castle will stand without you.
And without much ado
We can all muddle through without you.
HIGGINS. You brazen hussy.
ELIZA:
Without your pulling it, the tide comes in;
Without your twirling it, the earth can spin.
Without your pushing them, the clouds roll by.
If they can do without you, ducky, so can I!
I shall not feel alone without you.
I can stand on my own without you.
So go back in your shell,
I can do bloody well without you!
HIGGINS:
By George! I really did it, I did it, I did it,
I said I'd make a woman and indeed I did!
I knew that I could do it, I knew it, I knew it,
I said I'd make a woman and succeed I did!
HIGGINS. Eliza, you're magnificent. Five minutes ago you were a millstone round my neck, and now you're a tower of strength, a consort battleship! I like you this way.
ELIZA. Goodbye, Professor Higgins. You shall not be seeing me again. [SHE LEAVES]
HIGGINS. Mother!! Mother!!
MRS. HIGGINS. What is it, Henry? What's happened.
HIGGINS. She's gone.
MRS. HIGGINS. Well, of course, dear. What did you expect?
HIGGINS. Well, what am I to do?
MRS. HIGGINS. Do without, I suppose.
HIGGINS. And so I shall. If the Higgins oxygen burns up her little lungs, let her seek some stuffiness that suits her. She's an owl, sickened by a few days of my sunshine. Very well, let her go. I can do without her, I can do without anyone. I have my own soul, my own spark of divine fire!
[PROFESSOR HIGGINS WALKS OUT OF THE ROOM]
MRS. HIGGINS. Bravo, Eliza!
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
[SCENE - HIGGINS IS WALKING DOWN THE STREET]
HIGGINS. Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn!
I've grown accustomed to her face.
She almost makes the day begin.
I've grown accustomed to the tune that
She whistles night and noon.
Her smiles, her frowns,
Her ups, her downs
Are second nature to me now;
Like breathing out and breathing in.
I was serenely independent and content before we met;
Surely I could always be that way again ...
And yet ... I've grown accustomed to her looks;
Accustomed to her voice
Accustomed to her face.
HIGGINS. "Marry Freddie." What an infantile idea. What a heartless, wicked, brainless thing to do. But she'll regret, she'll regret it. It's doomed before they even take the vow!
I can see her now, Mrs. Freddie Eynsford-Hill
In a wretched little flat above a store.
I can see her now, not a penny in the till,
And a bill collector beating at the door.
She'll try to teach the things I taught her,
And end up selling flowers instead.
Begging for her bread and water,
While her husband has his breakfast in bed.
In a year, or so, when she's prematurely grey,
And the blossom in her cheek has turned to chalk.
She'll come home, and lo! he'll have upped and run away
With a social-climbing heiress from New York.
Poor Eliza. How simply frightful! How humiliating! How delightful!
How poignant it'll be on that inevitable night
When she hammers on my door in tears and rags.
Miserable and lonely, repentant and contrite.
Will I take her in or hurl her to the walls?
Give her kindness or the treatment she deserves?
Will I take her back or throw the baggage out?
But I'm a most forgiving man;
The sort who never could, never would,
Take a position and staunchly never budge.
A most forgiving man.
But I shall never take her back,
If she were crawling on her knees.
Let her promise to atone;
Let her shiver, let her moan;
I'll slam the door and let the hell-cat freeze!
[HE ARRIVES BACK HOME]
HIGGINS. "Marry Freddie"—ha!
But I'm so used to hear her say "Good morning" every day.
Her joys, her woes
Her highs, her lows
Are second nature to me now;
Like breathing out and breathing in.
I'm very grateful she's a woman
And so easy to forget;
Rather like a habit
One can always break... and yet
I've grown accustomed to the trace
Of something in the air;
Accustomed to her face.
[HE SITS DOWN IN HIS LIVING ROOM WITH HIS BACK TO THE DOOR AND LISTENS TO THE PHONOGRAPH AS IT PLAYS A RECORDING]
ELIZA’S VOICE. "Oh, we are proud! He ain't above givin' lessons, not him, I heard him say so. Well, I ain't come here to ask for any compliment; and if my money's not good enough I can go elsewhere."
HIGGINS’S VOICE. "Good enough for what?"
ELIZA’S VOICE. "Good enough for you! Now you know, don't you? I'm come to have lessons, I am. And to pay for 'em too, make no mistake."
PICKERING’S VOICE. "What is it you want, my girl?"
ELIZA’S VOICE. "I want to be a lady in a flower shop 'stead of sellin' at the corner o' Tottenham Court Road. But they won't take me unless I can talk more genteel. He said he could teach me. Well, here I am ready to pay—not asking any favour—and he treats me as if I was dirt ... I know what lessons cost as well as you do; and I'm ready to pay. I won't give more than a shilling. Take it or leave it."
HIGGINS’S VOICE. "It's almost irresistible. She's so deliciously low. So horribly dirty. I'll take it! I'll make a duchess of this draggle-tailed guttersnipe."
[ELIZA ENTERS AND TURNS OFF THE PHONOGRAPH]
ELIZA. I washed my face and hands before I come, I did.
HIGGINS. Eliza? Where the devil are my slippers?