Transcript #7: My Fair Lady
Part 2 of 3
Continued from Part 1 of 3
PICKERING. I think you ought to know, Doolittle, that Mr. Higgins's intentions are entirely honourable.
DOOLITTLE. Well course they are, guv’nor. If I thought they wasn't, I'd ask fifty.
HIGGINS. Do you mean to say you'd sell your daughter for £50?
PICKERING. Have you no morals, man?
DOOLITTLE. No, no. Can't afford 'em, Guv’nor. Neither could you if you was as poor as me. Not that I mean any harm, mind you. But if Liza is going to have a bit out of this, why not me too? Eh, why not? Well, look at it my way. What am I? I ask you, what am I? I'm one of the undeserving poor, that's what I am. Now think what that means to a man. It means he's up against middle class morality for all of time. If there's anything going, and I put in for a bit of it, it's always the same story, "You're undeserving, so you can't have it." But my needs are as great as the most deserving widows that ever got money out of six different charities in one week for the death of the same husband. I don't need less than a deserving man, I need more. I don't eat less hearty than he does; and I drink - oh, a lot more. I'm playing straight with you. I ain't pretending to be deserving. No, I'm undeserving, and I mean to go on being undeserving. I like it; and that's the truth. But will you take advantage of a man's nature to do him out of the price of his own daughter what he's brought up and fed and clothed by the sweat of his brow until she’s growed big enough to be interesting to you two gentlemen? Well, is five pounds unreasonable? I put it to you; and I leave it to you.
HIGGINS. Pickering, if we were to take this man in hand for three months, he could choose between a seat in the Cabinet and a popular pulpit in Wales. We'd better give him a fiver.
PICKERING. He'll make a bad use of it, I'm afraid.
DOOLITTLE. Ah, not me, guv’nor, so help me I won't. Just one good spree for myself and the missus, giving pleasure to ourselves and employment to others, and satisfaction to you to know it ain't been thrown away. You couldn't spend it better.
HIGGINS. This is irresistible. Let's give him ten.
DOOLITTLE. No. The missus wouldn't have the heart to spend ten. Ten pounds is a lot of money. It makes a man feel prudent, like, and then goodbye to happiness. You just give me what I ask you, guv’nor, not a penny less, and not a penny more.
PICKERING. I rather draw the line at encouraging this sort of immorality, Doolittle. Why don't you marry that missus of yours, eh? After all, marriage isn't so frightening. You married Eliza's mother.
DOOLITTLE. Who told you that, guv’nor?
PICKERING. Well, nobody told me, I concluded, naturally.
HIGGINS. If we listen to this man another minute, we shall have no convictions left. Five pounds, I think you said.
DOOLITTLE. Thank you, guv’nor. Thank you.
HIGGINS. Are you sure you won't have ten?
DOOLITTLE. Ah no; perhaps another time.
ELIZA. I won't! I won't!! I won't!!!
DOOLITTLE. I beg your pardon, miss.
ELIZA. I won't say those ruddy vowels one more time.
DOOLITTLE. Blimey, it's Eliza. Well I never thought she'd clean up so good looking. She does me credit, don't she, guv’nor?
ELIZA. Here, what are you doing here?
DOOLITTLE. Now, now, now, you hold your tongue and don't you give these gentlemen none of your lip. If you have any trouble with her, guv’nor, give her a few licks of the strap. That's the way to improve her mind. Well good morning, gentlemen. Cheerio, Eliza.
ELIZA. Maaaah!
HIGGINS. There's a man for you. A philosophical genius of the first water. Mrs Pearce, write to Mr Ezra Wallingford and tell him that if he wants a lecturer to get in touch with Mr Alfred P Doolittle, a common dustman, one of the most original moralists in England.
MRS PEARCE. Yes, sir.
ELIZA. Here, what did he come for?
HIGGINS. Say your vowels.
HIGGINS. If you know them, say them.
ELIZA. a, e, i, o, u.
HIGGINS. Stop! "A", "E, "I, "O, "U.
ELIZA. That's what I said, a, e, i, o, u. That's what I've been saying for three days and I won't say them no more.
PICKERING. I know it's difficult, Miss Doolittle, but try to understand.
HIGGINS. It's no use explaining, Pickering. As a military man you ought to know that. Drilling is what she needs. Now you leave her alone or she'll be turning to you for sympathy.
PICKERING. Very well, if you insist. But have a little patience with her, Higgins.
HIGGINS. Of course. Now say, "a".
ELIZA. You ain't got no heart, you ain't!
HIGGINS. "A".
ELIZA. "a".
HIGGINS. "A".
ELIZA. "a".
HIGGINS. "A".
ELIZA. "a".
HIGGINS. Eliza, I promise you you'll say your vowels correctly before this day is out or there'll be no lunch, no dinner, and no chocolates.
SCENE - ELIZA IS NOW ALONE IN THE HALL OF PROFESSOR HIGGINS’ HOUSE
ELIZA:
Just you wait 'enry 'iggins, just you wait!
You'll be sorry, but your tears'll be too late!
You'll be broke and I'll have money
Will I help you? Don't be funny!
Just you wait, 'enry 'iggins, just you wait!
Just you wait 'enry 'iggins, ‘til you're sick
And you screams to fetch a doctor double quick!
I'll be off a second later
And go straight to the theatre!
Ah-ha-ha, 'enry 'iggins
Just you wait!
Oooooh, 'enry 'iggins!
Just you wait until we're swimming in the sea!
Oooooh, 'enry 'iggins!
And you gets a cramp a little ways from me!
When you yell you're going to drown
I'll get dressed and go to town!
Oh-ho-ho, 'enry 'iggins
Oh-ho-ho, 'enry 'iggins
Just you wait!
One day I'll be famous!
I'll be proper and prim!
Go to Saint James [PALACE] so often I will call it Saint Jim.
One evening the King will say,
"Oh Liza, old thing,
I want all of England your praises to sing."
KING:
"Next week, on the twentieth of May,
I proclaim Liza Doolittle Day!
All the people will celebrate the glory of you,
And whatever you wish and want
I gladly will do."
ELIZA:
"Thanks a lot, King," says I, in a manner well bred;
"But all I want is 'enry 'iggins 'ead!"
KING:
"Done."
ELIZA. says the King, with a stroke.
KING. "Guards, run and bring in the bloke!"
ELIZA:
Then they'll march you, 'enry 'iggins, to the wall;
And the king will tell me,
KING. "Liza, sound the call."
ELIZA:
As they raise their rifles higher,
I'll shout, "Ready! Aim! Fire!"
Oh-ho-ho, 'enry 'iggins,
Down you'll go! 'enry 'iggins!
Just you wait!
SCENE - HIGGINS ARRIVES AT THE TOP OF THE STAIRS
HIGGINS. "A".
ELIZA. "a" ... "a" ... "a" ...
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
SCENE - SEVERAL DAYS LATER IN PROFESSOR HIGGINS’ LABORATORY
HIGGINS. All right, Eliza, say it again.
ELIZA. The rine in Spine stays minely in the pline.
HIGGINS. The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain.
ELIZA. Didn't I say that?
HIGGINS. No, Eliza, you didn't "sie" that; you didn't even say that. Now every morning where you used to say your prayers, I want you to say "the rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain" fifty times. You'll get much further with the Lord if you learn not to offend his ears. Now for your "h"s. Pickering, this is going to be ghastly.
PICKERING. Control yourself, Higgins, give the girl a chance.
HIGGINS. Well, I suppose you can't expect her to get it right the first time. Come here, Eliza, and watch closely.
[HE STARTS A SMALL BUT COMPLICATED MACHINE AND GIVES ELIZA A PIECE OF PAPER]
Now, you see that flame. Every time you pronounce the letter "h" correctly the flame will waver, and every time you drop your "h" the flame will remain stationary. That's how you'll know if you've done it correctly. In time your ear will hear the difference. Now listen carefully. In Hertford, Hereford and Hampshire, hurricanes hardly ever happen. Now you repeat that after me. In Hertford, Hereford and Hampshire, hurricanes hardly ever happen.
ELIZA. In 'artford, 'ereford and 'ampshire, 'urricanes 'ardly hever 'appen.
HIGGINS. Oh, no, no, no. Have you no ear at all?
ELIZA. Shall I do it over?
HIGGINS. No, please. Start from the very beginning. Just do this, go, "har, har, har, har".
ELIZA. Har, har, har, har.
HIGGINS. Well, go on, go on, go on.
ELIZA. Har, har, har, har
HIGGINS. Does the same thing hold true in India, Pickering? Is there the peculiar habit of not only dropping a letter like the letter "h", but using it where it doesn't belong, like "hever" instead of "ever"? Or like the Slavs who when they learn English have a tendency to do it with their "g"s, they say "linner" instead of "linger", then they turn right round and say "sin-ger" instead of "singer".
[ELIZA’S PIECE OF PAPER TOUCHES THE FLAME AND STARTS BURNING. SHE LOOKS AT IT]
PICKERING. The girl, Higgins!
HIGGINS. Go on, go on, go on, go on.
SERVANTS' CHORUS:
Poor Professor Higgins,
Poor Professor Higgins.
Night and day he slaves away.
Oh, poor Professor Higgins.
All day long on his feet.
Up and down until he's numb.
Doesn't rest, doesn't eat
Doesn't touch a crumb.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
SCENE - SEVERAL DAYS LATER IN PROFESSOR HIGGINS’ STUDY. HE USING A XYLOPHONE TO PLAY THE TUNE OF DIFFERENT ENGLISH SENTENCES
HIGGINS. Again, Eliza, "how kind of you to let me come."
ELIZA. How kind of you to let me come.
HIGGINS. No, no. "Kind of you", "kind of you", "kind - ", "how kind of you to let me come".
ELIZA. How kind of you to let me come.
HIGGINS. No, no, no, no. "Kind of you", "kind of you". It’s like "cup of tea", "kind of you". Say, "cup of tea".
ELIZA. Cup o' tea.
HIGGINS. No, no, "a cup of tea". Awfully good cake this. I wonder where Mrs Pearce gets it?
PICKERING. Mmmm. First rate; and those strawberry tarts are delicious. Did you try the pline cike? [=PLAIN CAKE]
HIGGINS. Try it again.
PICKERING. Did you try the -
HIGGINS. Pickering! Again, Eliza.
ELIZA. Cup o' tea.
HIGGINS. Oh no. Can't you hear the difference? Put your tongue forward until it squeezes on the top of your lower teeth and then say, "cup".
ELIZA. Cup.
HIGGINS. Then say, "of".
ELIZA. Of.
HIGGINS. Then say, "cup, cup, cup, cup, of, of, of, of".
HIGGINS & ELIZA. Cup, cup, cup, cup, of, of, of, of.
ELIZA. Cup, cup, cup, of, of, of
PICKERING. By jove, Higgins, that was a glorious tea. Why don't you finish that last strawberry tart? I couldn't eat another thing.
HIGGINS. No, I couldn't touch it.
PICKERING. Shame to waste it.
[IT IS OBVIOUS THAT ELIZA REALLY WANTS A CUP OF TEA AND SOME CAKE]
HIGGINS. Oh it won't be wasted, I know of someone who's immensely fond of strawberry tarts.
[PROFESSOR HIGGINS GIVES THE LAST CAKE TO THE PET BIRD]
ELIZA. Aw-ah-ah-ow-ow-oo!!!
SERVANTS' CHORUS:
Poor Professor Higgins,
Poor Professor Higgins.
On he plods against all odds.
Oh, poor Professor Higgins.
Nine pm, ten pm
On through midnight every night.
One am, two am, three -
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
SCENE - LATE AT NIGHT IN PROFESSOR HIGGINS’ LIBRARY. HE IS PUTTING SMALL ROUND MARBLES INTO ELIZA’S MOUTH
HIGGINS. ... four, five, six marbles. Now I want you to read this, and I want you to enunciate every word just as if the marbles were not in your mouth. "With blackest moss the flower pots were thickly crusted one and all." Each word clear as a bell.
ELIZA. Wiv bra'ess moss the flo'er poss ... I can't. I can't!
PICKERING. I say, Higgins, are those pebbles really necessary?
HIGGINS. If they were necessary for Demosthenes, they are necessary for Eliza Doolittle. Go on, Eliza.
ELIZA. Wiv bla'vess moss the flo'er poss were thi'y ...
HIGGINS. I can't understand a word! not a word!
ELIZA. Wiv bra'evs moss the flo'er poss were thi'y cru'ed one an'...
PICKERING. Higgins, perhaps that poem's a little too difficult for the girl. Why don't you try something simpler, like the owl and the pussycat? Oh yes! that's a charming one.
HIGGINS. Pickering, I can't hear a word the girl is saying.
HIGGINS. What's the matter?
ELIZA. I swallowed one.
HIGGINS. Oh, it doesn't matter; I've got plenty more. Open your mouth. One, two -
SERVANTS' CHORUS:
Quit, Professor Higgins,
Quit, Professor Higgins.
Hear our plea or payday we will
quit, Professor Higgins.
"A", not "I", "O" not "Ow",
Pounding, pounding in our brain,
"A", not "I", "O" not "Ow",
Don't say "Rine" say "Rain".
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
SCENE - PROFESSOR HIGGINS’ STUDY VERY LATE AT NIGHT. ALL THREE ARE VERY TIRED. HIGGINS HAS A BAG OF ICE ON HIS HEAD.
HIGGINS. The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain.
ELIZA. I can't. I'm so tired. I'm so tired...
PICKERING. For God's sake, Higgins, it must three o'clock in the morning. Do be reasonable.
HIGGINS. I am always reasonable. Eliza, if I can go on with a blistering headache, you can.
ELIZA. I got an 'eadache too.
HIGGINS. Oh. Here [HE GIVES HER THE BAG OF ICE]. I know your head aches; I know you're tired; I know your nerves are as raw as meat in a butcher's window. But think what you're trying to accomplish. Just think what you're dealing with. The majesty and grandeur of the English language, it's the greatest possession we have. The noblest thoughts that ever flowed through the hearts of men are contained in its extraordinary, imaginative, and musical mixtures of sounds. And that's what you've set yourself out to conquer Eliza, and conquer it you will.
HIGGINS. Now try it again.
ELIZA. The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain.
HIGGINS. What was that?!?
ELIZA. The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain.
HIGGINS. Again.
ELIZA. The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain.
HIGGINS I think she's got it, I think she's got it.
ELIZA The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain!
By George she's got it!
By George she's got it!
Now once again, where does it rain?
ELIZA: On the plain! On the plain!
HIGGINS. And where's that soggy plain?
ELIZA. In Spain! In Spain!
ALL THREE IN CHORUS:
The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain!
The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain!
HIGGINS. In Hertford, Hereford, and Hampshire...?
ELIZA. Hurricanes hardly happen.
ELIZA. How kind of you to let me come.
HIGGINS.
Now once again, where does it rain?
ELIZA. On the plain! On the plain!
HIGGINS. And where's that blasted plain?
ELIZA. In Spain! In Spain!
ALL THREE IN CHORUS:
The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain!
The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain!
HIGGINS. Pickering! Pickering, ole! Ole! Ole!
[PICKERING PRETENDS TO BE A BULL FOR HIGGINS’ TOREADOR, AND THEY ALL DANCE.]
PICKERING. Oh, dear!
HIGGINS. Ah! We're making fine progress, Pickering. I think the time has come to try her out.
MRS PEARCE. Are you feeling all right, Mr. Higgins?
HIGGINS. Yes, I'm feeling fine, Mrs Pearce; how are you?S
MRS PEARCE. Very well, sir, thank you.
HIGGINS. Oh good. Let's test her in public and see how she fares.
MRS PEARCE. Mr. Higgins, I was awakened by a dreadful pounding; do you know what it might have been?
HIGGINS. Pounding? I didn't hear any pounding; did you Pickering?
PICKERING. No.
HIGGINS. Now if this goes on, Mrs Pearce, you'd better see a doctor. I know, we'll take her to the races.
PICKERING. The races?
HIGGINS. My mother's box at Ascot.
PICKERING. You'll consult your mother first, of course?
HIGGINS. Oh yes, of course. Er, no, I think perhaps we'd better surprise her. Now let’s go to bed. First thing in the morning we'll go out and we'll buy her a dress. Now get on with your work, Eliza.
MRS PEARCE. But, Mr Higgins, it's early in the morning.
HIGGINS. What better time to work than early in the morning? Where does one buy a lady's gown?
PICKERING. Whiteley's, of course.
HIGGINS. How do you know that?
PICKERING. Common knowledge.
HIGGINS. Let's not buy her anything too flowery, I despise those gowns with, sort of, weeds here, and weeds there. I want to buy something ... sort of simple, modest, and elegant ... is what's called for. Perhaps with a ... with a bow. Yes, I think that's just right.
MRS PEARCE. You've all been working much too hard; I think the strain is beginning to show. Eliza, I don't care what Mr Higgins says, you must put down your books and go to bed.
ELIZA:
Bed, bed, I couldn't go to bed.
My head's too light to try to set it down.
Sleep, sleep, I couldn't sleep tonight,
Not for all the jewels in the crown.
I could have danced all night,
I could have danced all night,
And still have begged for more.
I could have spread my wings
And done a thousand things
I've never done before.
I'll never know what made it so exciting
Why all at once my heart took flight.
I only know when he began to dance with me
I could have danced, danced, danced all night!
SERVANT 1. It's after three now.
SERVANT 2. Don't you agree now,
SERVANT 1 & 2. She ought to be in bed.
ELIZA & THE SERVANTS:
I could have danced all night,
You're tired out, you must be dead.
I could have danced all night,
Your face is drawn, your eyes are red.
And still have begged for more.
Now say goodnight; please turn out the light; please, it's really time for you to be in bed.
I could have spread my wings,
Do come along, do as you're told
And done a thousand things
Or Mrs Pearce is apt to scold.
I've never done before.
You're up too late; please, in your state, Miss, you'll catch a cold.
I'll never know
What made it so exciting
Why all at once my heart took flight.
I only know when he began to dance with me
Put down your book, the work will keep; Now settle down and go to sleep.
I could have danced, danced, danced all night!
I understand, dear.
It's all been grand, dear.
But now it's time to sleep.
ELIZA:
I could have danced all night,
I could have danced all night,
And still have begged for more.
I could have spread my wings,
And done a thousand things
I've never done before.
I'll never know
What made it so exciting
Why all at once my heart took flight.
I only know when he
Began to dance with me
I could have danced, danced, danced
All night!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
SCENE - ROYAL ASCOT, THE MOST FASHIONABLE HORSE RACE OF THE YEAR.
EVERYWHERE WE SEE LADIES AND GENTLEMEN IN BEAUTIFUL CLOTHES
CHORUS OF LADIES & GENTLEMEN:
Every duke and earl and peer is here
Everyone who should be here is here.
What a smashing, positively dashing
Spectacle, the Ascot opening day.
At the gate are all the horses
Waiting for the cue to fly away.
What a gripping, absolutely ripping
Moment at the Ascot opening day.
Pulses rushing!
Faces flushing!
Heartbeats speed up!
I’ve never been so keyed up!
Any second now, they'll begin to run.
Hark! A bell is ringing,
They are springing forward
Look! It has begun...!
[A HORSE RACE GOES PAST]
CHORUS OF LADIES & GENTLEMEN:
What a frenzied moment that was!
Didn't they maintain an exhausting pace?
'Twas a thrilling, absolutely chilling
Running of the Ascot opening race.
HIGGINS ARRIVES, LOOKING SCRUFFY IN A BROWN SUIT:
HIGGINS. Mother.
MRS HIGGINS. Henry! What a disagreeable surprise.
HIGGINS. Hello, mother. How nice you look.
MRS HIGGINS. What are you doing here? You promised never to come to Ascot. Go home at once.
HIGGINS. I can't, mother. I'm here on business.
MRS HIGGINS. Oh no, Henry, you mustn't. I'm quite serious, you'll offend all my friends, the moment they meet you I never see them again. Besides, you're not even dressed for Ascot.
HIGGINS. I changed my shirt. Now, listen mother, I've got a job for you; a phonetics job. I picked up a girl -
MRS HIGGINS. Henry.
HIGGINS. Oh no, dear, not a love affair; she's a flower girl. I'm taking her to the annual Embassy Ball, but I wanted to try her out first.
MRS HIGGINS. I beg your pardon.
HIGGINS. Well, you know the Embassy Ball?
MRS HIGGINS. Of course I know the ball, but -
HIGGINS. So I invited her to your box today, do you understand?
MRS HIGGINS. A common flower girl!
HIGGINS. Oh, it's alright, I taught her how to speak properly. She has strict instructions as to her behaviour. She's to keep to two subjects, the weather and everybody's health; "fine day", and "how do you do", and not just let herself go on things in general. Help her along, darling, you'll be quite safe.
MRS HIGGINS Safe! To talk about one's health in the middle of a race?
HIGGINS. Well, you've got to talk about something.
MRS HIGGINS. Where's the girl, now?
HIGGINS. She's being pinned; some of the clothes we bought her didn't quite fit. I told Pickering we should have taken her with us.
[MRS EYNSFORD-HILL AND HER SON FREDDIE ARRIVE]
MRS HIGGINS. Ah! Mrs Eynsford-Hill.
MRS EYNSFORD-HILL. Good afternoon, Mrs Higgins.
MRS HIGGINS. You know my son, Henry?
MRS EYNSFORD-HILL. How do you do?
HIGGINS. I've seen you somewhere before?
MRS EYNSFORD-HILL. I don't know.
HIGGINS. Oh, it doesn't matter. You'd better sit down.
MRS HIGGINS. Lady Boxington.
HIGGINS. Where the devil can they be?
MRS HIGGINS. Lord Boxington.
HIGGINS. Ah!
[COLONEL PICKERING ARRIVES WITH ELIZA, WHO IS WEARING A BEAUTIFUL DRESS]
MRS HIGGINS. Colonel Pickering, you're just in time for tea.
PICKERING. Thank you, Mrs Higgins. May I introduce Miss Eliza Doolittle.
MRS HIGGINS. My dear Miss Doolittle.
ELIZA. How kind of you to let me come.
MRS HIGGINS. Delighted, my dear. Lady Boxington.
LADY BOXINGTON. How do you do?
ELIZA. How do you do?
MRS HIGGINS. Lord Boxington.
LORD BOXINGTON. How do you do?
ELIZA. How do you do?
MRS HIGGINS. Mrs Eynsford-Hill, Miss Doolittle.
MRS EYNSFORD-HILL. How do you do?
ELIZA. How do you do?
MRS HIGGINS. And Freddie Eynsford-Hill.
ELIZA. How do you do?
FREDDIE. How do you do?
HIGGINS. Miss Doolittle.
ELIZA. Good afternoon, Professor Higgins.
FREDDIE. The first race was very exciting, Miss Doolittle. I'm so sorry that you missed it.
MRS HIGGINS. Will it rain, do you think?
ELIZA. The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain. But in Hertford, Hereford and Hampshire, hurricanes hardly ever happen.
FREDDIE. Ha! ha! How awfully funny!
ELIZA. What is wrong with that, young man? I bet I got it right.
FREDDIE. Smashing!
LADY BOXINGTON. Hasn't it suddenly turned chilly?
MRS EYNSFORD-HILL. I do hope we won't have any unseasonable cold spells. They bring on so much influenza and the whole of our family is susceptible to it.
ELIZA. My aunt died of influenza - so they said - but it's my belief they done the old woman in.
LADY BOXINGTON. Done her in?
ELIZA. Yes, Lord love you. Why should she die of influenza when she come through diphtheria right enough the year before? Fairly blue with it, she was. They all thought she was dead, but my father, he kept ladling gin down her throat.
HIGGINS. Oh...
MRS EYNSFORD-HILL. Dear me!
ELIZA. Now what call would a woman with that strength in her have to die of influenza? And what become of her new straw hat that should have come to me? Somebody pinched it; and what I say is, them as pinched it, done her in.
LORD BOXINGTON. Done her in? Done her in, did you say?
LADY BOXINGTON. Whatever does it mean?
HIGGINS. Ah, now that's the new small-talk, er, to do somebody in means to kill them.
MRS EYNSFORD-HILL. But you surely don't believe your aunt was killed?
ELIZA. Do I not! Them she lived with would have killed her for a hat-pin, let alone a hat.
MRS EYNSFORD-HILL. But it can't have been right for your father to pour spirits down her throat like that. It might have killed her.
ELIZA. Not her. Gin was mother's milk to her. Besides, he'd poured so much down his own throat, he knew the good of it.
LORD BOXINGTON. Did you mean that he drank?
ELIZA. Drank! My word! Something chronic. Here! what are you sniggering at?
FREDDIE. It's the new small talk, you do it so awfully well.
ELIZA. Well, if I was doing it proper, what was you sniggering at? Have I said something I oughtn't?
HIGGINS. Oh, no...
MRS HIGGINS. Not at all, my dear.
ELIZA. Well, that's a mercy, anyhow.
PICKERING. What? Yes, yes, oh yes. I don't know whether there's enough time before the next race to place a bet, but come, my dear.
MRS HIGGINS. I don't suppose so.
FREDDIE. I have a bet on number seven. I should be so happy if you would take it. You'll enjoy the race ever so much more.
ELIZA. That's very kind of you.
FREDDIE. His name is Dover.
CHORUS OF LADIES & GENTLEMEN:
There they are again, lining up to run.
Now they're holding steady,
They are ready for it
Look! It has begun!
ELIZA. Come on ... come on, Dover. Come on ... come on, Dover. Come on. Come on, Dover! Move yer blooming arse!!
SCENE - LATER THAT DAY. THE RACES HAVE FINISHED AND PEOPLE ARE GOING HOME.
MRS HIGGINS. You're not serious, Henry, you don't expect to take her to the Embassy Ball?
HIGGINS. Don't you think she's ready for it?
MRS HIGGINS. Dear Henry, she's ready for a canal barge.
HIGGINS. Well, her language may need a little refining, but er...
MRS HIGGINS. Oh! really, Henry! If you cannot see how impossible this whole project is then you must be absolutely potty about her. I advise you to give it up now and not put yourself and this poor girl through any more.
HIGGINS. Give it up? Why, it's the most fascinating venture I've ever undertaken. Pickering and I are at it from morning to night; it fills our whole lives, teaching Eliza, talking to Eliza, listening to Eliza, dressing Eliza.
MRS HIGGINS. What? You're a pretty pair of babies, playing with your live doll. Ah, here's the car.
HIGGINS. Ah.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
SCENE - THE EVENING OF THE SAME DAY, IN PROFESSOR HIGGINS’ STUDY. ELIZA IS DEPRESSED, PICKERING IS SYMPATHETIC. OUTSIDE THE HOUSE, FREDDIE EYNSFORD-HILL GETS OUT OF A TAXI HOLDING FLOWERS JUST AS HIGGINS ARRIVES HOME.
FREDDIE. I say, sir, er -
BUTLER. Good evening, sir.
HIGGINS. Ah! Is dinner ready? I'm famished.
BUTLER. Immediately, sir.
MRS PEARCE. Good evening, Professor Higgins.
FREDDIE.
When she mentioned how her aunt bit off the spoon,
She completely done me in.
And my heart went on a journey to the moon,
When she told about her father and the gin.
And I never saw a more enchanting farce
Than the moment when she shouted, "Move your blooming - "
MRS PEARCE. Yes, sir?
FREDDIE. Ah, is, is Miss Doolittle in?
MRS PEARCE. Whom shall I say is calling?
FREDDIE. Freddie Eynsford-Hill. Oh, and if she doesn't remember who I am, tell her I'm the chap who was sniggering at her.
MRS PEARCE. Yes, sir.
FREDDIE. And will you give her these.
MRS PEARCE Yes, sir. Wouldn't you like to come in, sir? They're having dinner but you may wait in the hall.
FREDDIE. No, no, thank you. I want to drink in [=APPRECIATE] the street where she lives.
I have often walked down this street before
But the pavement always stayed beneath my feet before;
All at once, am I
Several stories high.
Knowing I'm on the street where you live.
Are there lilac trees in the heart of town?
Can you hear a lark in any other part of town?
Does enchantment pour
Out of every door?
No, it's just on the street where you live.
And oh! The towering feeling
Just to know somehow you are near.
The overpowering feeling
That any second you may suddenly appear.
People stop and stare. They don't bother me
For there's nowhere else on earth that I would rather be.
Let the time go by,
I won't care if I
Can be here on the street where you live.
MRS PEARCE. Oh, sir! I'm terribly sorry, sir, Miss Doolittle says she doesn't want to see anyone ever again.
FREDDIE. But why? She was unbelievable.
MRS PEARCE. So I've been told, sir. Is there any further message?
FREDDIE. Yes, tell her that I'll wait.
MRS PEARCE. Oh, but it might days, sir; even weeks!
FREDDIE. But don't you see, I'll be happier here.
People stop and stare. They don't bother me
For there's nowhere else on earth that I would rather be.
Let the time go by,
I won't care if I
Can be here on the street where you live.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
SCENE - IN THE DINING ROOM OF PROFESSOR HIGGINS’ HOUSE.
PICKERING. It really is, Higgins, it's inhuman to continue. Do you realise what you've got to try and teach this poor girl within six weeks? You've got to teach her walk, talk; address a duke, a lord, a bishop, an ambassador. It's absolutely impossible. Higgins, I'm trying to tell you that I want to call off the bet. I know you're a stubborn man, but so am I. This experiment is over; and nothing, short of an order from the King, could force me to recant. Perhaps you'd excuse me. Do you understand, Higgins, it's over.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
SCENE - SEVERAL WEEKS LATER AT THE HOUSE. HIGGINS AND PICKERING ARE READY TO GO TO THE EMBASSY BALL.
PICKERING. Higgins. Higgins, if there's any mishap at the Embassy tonight - if Miss Doolittle suffers any embarrassment whatever - it'll be on your head alone.
HIGGINS. Eliza can do anything.
PICKERING. Suppose she's discovered. Remember Ascot. Suppose she makes another ghastly mistake!
HIGGINS. There'll be no horses at the ball, Pickering.
PICKERING. Think how agonizing it would be. Oh! If anything happened tonight, I don't what I'd do.
HIGGINS. Well, you could always rejoin your regiment.
PICKERING. This is no time for flippancy, Higgins. The way you've driven the girl in the last six weeks has exceeded all bounds of common decency. For God's sake, Higgins, stop pacing up and down; can't you settle somewhere?
HIGGINS. Have some port, it'll quieten your nerves.
PICKERING. I'm not nervous! Where is it?
HIGGINS. On the piano.
BUTLER. The car is here, sir.
HIGGINS. Oh good. Tell Miss Doolittle, please.
BUTLER. Yes, sir.
PICKERING. Tell Miss Doolittle, indeed; I bet you that damn gown doesn't fit. I warned you about these French designers. We should have gone to a good English shop where we'd have known that everyone would have been on our side. Have a glass of port?
HIGGINS. No, thank you.
PICKERING. Are you so sure this girl will retain everything you've hammered into her?
HIGGINS. Well, we shall see.
PICKERING. Suppose she doesn't?
HIGGINS. I lose my bet.
PICKERING. Higgins, it's one thing I can't stand about you that's your confounded complacency. At a moment like this with so much at stake it's utterly indecent that you don't need a glass of port. And what about the girl, you act as though she doesn't matter at all.
HIGGINS. Oh rubbish, Pickering. Of course she matters. What do you think I've been doing all these months? What could possibly matter more than to take a human being and change her into a different human being by creating a new speech for her? It's filling up the deepest gap that separates class from class and soul from soul. Oh, she matters immensely.
PICKERING. Miss Doolittle, you look beautiful. Don't you think so, Higgins?
ELIZA Thank you, Colonel Pickering.
HIGGINS. Hmmm, not bad. Not bad at all.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
SCENE - AT THE EMBASSY BALL. A STRANGE MAN APPROACHES PROFESSOR HIGGINS.
KARPATHY Maestro! Maestro! Don't you remember me?
HIGGINS. No. Who the devil are you?
KARPATHY I'm your pupil, your first, your greatest, your best pupil. I'm Zoltan Karpathy, that marvellous boy.
HIGGINS. Oh.
KARPATHY Ah! I made your name famous throughout Europe. You teached me phonetics; you cannot forget me.
HIGGINS. Why don't you have your hair cut?
KARPATHY Ah well, I don't have your imposing appearance, your figure, your brow. If I had my hair cut nobody would notice me.
HIGGINS. Where did you get all these old coins?
KARPATHY. These are decorations for language.
HIGGINS. Oh.
KARPATHY. The Queen of Transylvania is here this evening. I'm indispensable to her at these official international parties, I speak thirty-two languages; I know everyone in Europe; no impostor can escape my detection.
THE GREEK AMBASSADOR. Professor Karpathy.
KARPATHY. The Greek ambassador. Greek my foot. He pretends not to know any English but he cannot deceive me. He's the son of a Yorkshire watchmaker. He speaks English so villainously that he cannot utter a word without betraying his origin. I help him pretend but I make him pay through the nose; I make them all pay.
FOOTMAN. Excuse me, sir, you're wanted upstairs. Her Excellency asks for you.
KARPATHY. Oh. Excuse me.
COLONEL PICKERING ARRIVES WITH ELIZA AND ALL THREE WALK UP THE STAIRS TO THE BALLROOM
ANNOUNCER Viscount and Viscountess Sansom!
The Baron and Baroness of Yalster!
Sir Guy and Lady Scott-Acton!
The Count and Countess de Moreau!
Viscount and Viscountess Hillyard!
Mr and Mrs Richard Landser!
Lord and Lady Clandon!
PICKERING. Miss Eliza Doolittle; Colonel Pickering.
ANNOUNCER. Miss Eliza Doolittle; Colonel Pickering. Professor Higgins!
AMBASSADOR. Good evening, Miss Doolittle.
ELIZA. Your Excellency.
LADY AMBASSADOR. Miss Doolittle.
ELIZA. How do you do?
LADY AMBASSADOR. Good evening, Colonel.
PICKERING. Good evening.
LADY AMBASSADOR. Oh, Colonel, what an enchanting young lady you have with you this evening.
PICKERING. Thank you.
LADY AMBASSADOR. Well, who is she?
PICKERING. Oh, a cousin of mine...and Higgins. Excuse me.
LADY AMBASSADOR. Such a far-away look; as if she's always lived in a garden.
HIGGINS. So she has...a sort of garden.
PICKERING. Henry must take Eliza home at once. There's a language expert here, sort of ...er, you know ...sort of impostorologist.
MRS. HIGGINS. I beg your pardon?
LADY AMBASSADOR [TO KARPATHY]. The young lady with Colonel Pickering, find out who she is.
KARPATHY. With pleasure.
PICKERING. The whole situation's highly explosive.
HIGGINS. Tell me, Zoltan, some more about the Greek ambassador.
KARPATHY. Gladly, Professor, but first I would love you to present me to this glorious creature.
HIGGINS. Does he really come from Yorkshire?
ANNOUNCER. Her majesty, the Queen of Transylvania; and his Royal Highness, Prince Gregor.
THE QUEEN [LOOKING AT ELIZA] Charming. Quite charming.
AMBASSADOR. Miss Doolittle, ma'am.
THE QUEEN. Miss Doolittle, my son would like to dance with you.
ONLOOKER. Elle est charmante.
[SHE DANCES WITH PRINCE GREGOR, THEN TALKS TO OTHER GUESTS]
HIGGINS. Eliza. [THEY DANCE, THEN HIGGINS HANDS HER TO KARPATHY TO FINISH THE DANCE]
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
SCENE - BACK AT PROFESSOR HIGGINS’ HOUSE AFTER THE EMBASSY BALL. HIGGINS IS LAUGHING
PICKERING Absolutely fantastic!
HIGGINS. What a lot of tomfoolery.
PICKERING. It was an immense achievement.
MRS. PEARCE. Well, Mr Higgins?
PICKERING. A triumph, Mrs Pearce, a total triumph. Higgins, you were superb, absolutely superb. Tell us the truth, now, weren't you a little bit nervous once or twice?
HIGGINS. No, not for a second.
PICKERING. Not during the whole evening?
HIGGINS. Well, from the moment I saw we going to win hands down I felt like a bear in a cage, hanging about with nothing to do.
PICKERING. It was an immense achievement.
HIGGINS. If I hadn't backed myself to do it I've have given it up two months ago.
PICKERING. Absolutely fantastic.
HIGGINS. What a lot of tomfoolery.
PICKERING. Higgins, I salute you.
HIGGINS. Oh! Silly people don't know their own silly business.
PICKERING:
Tonight old man you did it
You did it, you did it.
You said that you would do it
And indeed you did.
I thought that you would rue it
I doubted you'd do it
But now I must admit it
That succeed you did.
You should get a medal
Or be even made a knight.
HIGGINS. Oh! It was nothing, really nothing.
PICKERING. All alone you hurdled every obstacle in sight.
HIGGINS.
Now wait, now wait, give credit where it's due,
A lot of the glory goes to ... you!
PICKERING:
But you're the one who did it,
Who did it, who did it.
As sturdy as Gibraltar
Not a second did you falter.
There's no doubt it
You did it.
I must have aged a year tonight
At times I thought I'd die of fright
Never was there a momentary lull.
HIGGINS:
Shortly after we came in
I saw at once we'd easily win
And after that I found it deadly dull.
PICKERING:
You should have heard the "ooh"s and "ahh"s
Everyone wondering who she was.
HIGGINS. You'd think they'd never seen a lady before.
PICKERING. And when the Prince of Transylvania asked to meet her
And gave his arm to lead her to the floor,
I said to him you did it
You did it, you did it.
They thought she was ecstatic
And so damned aristocratic
And they never knew that
You did it.
HIGGINS. Thank goodness for Zoltan Karpathy; if it hadn't been for him I'd have died of boredom.
MRS. PEARCE. Karpathy, that dreadful Hungarian; was he there?
HIGGINS. Yes, he was there all right, and up to his old tricks.
That blackguard who uses the science of speech
More to blackmail and swindle than teach.
He made it the devilish business of his
To find out who this Miss Doolittle is.
Every time we looked around
There he was, that hairy hound from Budapest.
Never leaving us alone
Never have I ever known a ruder pest.
Finally I decided it was foolish not to
Let him have his chance with her
So I stepped aside and let him dance with her.
Oozing charm from every pore
He oiled his way around the floor.
Every trick that he could play
He used to strip her mask away.
When at last the dance was done
He glowed as if he knew he'd won.
And with a voice too eager
And a smile too broad
He announced to the hostess that she was ... a fraud!
MRS. PEARCE. No!
HIGGINS. Jawohl.
Her English is too good, he said,
That clearly indicates she is foreign
Whereas others are instructed in their
Native language, English people aren't.
And although she may have studied with an
Expert dialectician and grammarian,
I can tell that she was born ... Hungarian!
Not only Hungarian, but of royal blood.
[POINTING TO ELIZA] She is a princess.
Her blood, he says, is bluer than the Danube is or ever was.
Royalty is absolutely written on her face.
She thought that I was taken in, but actually I never was.
How could she deceive another member of her race?
I know each language on the map, said he
And she's Hungarian as the first Hungarian Rhapsody.
EVERYBODY IN CHORUS:
Bravo! Bravo! Bravo!
Congratulations, Professor Higgins
For your glorious victory.
Congratulations, Professor Higgins
You'll be mentioned in history.
SERVANTS IN CHORUS:
Congratulations, Professor Higgins
This evening sir you did it, You did it, you did it.
For your glorious victory.
You said that you would do it, And indeed you did.
Congratulations, Professor Higgins
This evening sir you did it, You did it, you did it.
Sing hail and hallelujah
We know that we have said it but you did it
And the credit for it all belongs to you.
HIGGINS. Well, thank God that's over. Now I can go to bed without dreading tomorrow.
MRS. PEARCE. Goodnight, Mr Higgins.
HIGGINS. Goodnight, Mrs Pearce.
PICKERING. I think I'll turn in too. Goodnight, Higgins, it's been a great occasion.
HIGGINS. Goodnight, Pickering. Oh! Mrs Pearce! Oh, damn; I meant to ask her to give me coffee in the morning instead of tea.
Leave a little note for her, Eliza, and put out the lights.
[ELIZA TURNS OUT THE LIGHTS AND STAYS IN THE DARK, CRYING SILENTLY]
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