Transcript #3: A Fish Called Wanda
A comedy-thriller about a diamond robbery in London
A Fish Called Wanda; Un poisson nommé Wanda, Un ange dénommé Wanda, Un pez llamado Wanda, Los enredos de Wanda, Un pesce di nome Wanda, Un peix anomenat Wanda, Ein Fisch namens Wanda, Fisken de kaldte Wanda, Wanda adinda bir balik, A hal neve: Wanda, Um Peixe Chamado Wanda, En fisk ved navn Wanda, En fisk som heter Wanda, Kala nimeltä Wanda, Rybka zwana Wanda, Рыбка по имени Ванда,
Directed by Charles Crichton, the film stars John Cleese (as Archie Leach), Jamie Lee Curtis (as Wanda), Kevin Kline (Otto), Michael Palin (Ken).
Levels: Intermediate to Mastery (B1 to C2)
Welcome to the transcript!
MEET THE CHARACTERS
SCENE - A TRIAL IN THE CENTRAL CRIMINAL COURT, LONDON. ARCHIE LEACH, A BARRISTER, IS ADDRESSING THE COURT.
ARCHIE. And on that point, members of the jury, I rest my case.
SCENE - KEN IS IN GEORGE’S APARTMENT, LOOKING AT THE FISH IN THE AQUARIUM.
KEN. Hello, Wanda. [WANDA AND OTTO ARRIVE]
WANDA. Hi, Ken.
KEN. Hello, W ... W ... Wanda.
WANDA. Ken, this is Otto.
WANDA. George back yet?
KEN. No, he had to g ... g ... g ... go to ... [HE SEES OTTO STARING AT HIM] What?!
OTTO. That's quite a stutter you've got there, Ken. It’s alright, it doesn't bother me. So George needs a weapons man, eh?
WANDA. A cup of tea, Ken?
KEN. Y ... y ... y ...
OTTO. Yeah, he'd like one. I had a good friend in the CIA had a stutter. It cost him his life, dammit.
WANDA. Hi, George.
KEN. Hello, George. Get you a scotch?
GEORGE. Yeah.
WANDA. This is Otto.
GEORGE. So you're Wanda's brother.
OTTO. It's good to be here, George. England is a fine country.
GEORGE. She tell you what we need?
OTTO. Something like that?
GEORGE. Something like that.
SCENE - ARCHIE ARRIVES HOME AND SEES HIS WIFE SITTING IN THE GARDEN
ARCHIE. Hello, Wendy. Had a good day?
WENDY. I spent the morning trying to get the waste disposal man to come, had lunch with Marjorie Brooks who takes up the entire meal complaining about her husband, then I had to play three rubbers with Philippa Hunter, and I come back here and Sanderson's have sent the wrong flowers.
ARCHIE. Oh, no. Would you like some tea?
WENDY. Yes.
ARCHIE. I won the case.
WENDY. This is the first moment I've had to myself all day. [IN THE HOUSE HE SEES HIS DAUGHTER]
ARCHIE. Hello, Portia. How was the show?
PORTIA. Awful, Daddy. I’ve got to have a new horse.
ARCHIE. I thought you liked Phantom.
PORTIA. He's not fit for dog meat. Can I change him please, Dad? It's absolutely vital and it won't cost much.
ARCHIE. Ought we to ask Belinda if she ... [PORTIA. WALKS OUT]
WENDY. I thought you were making tea.
ARCHIE. I am, darling. Sorry.
WENDY. Suppose I'd better get it.
ARCHIE. Let me do it, please.
WENDY. No, I'll do it.
ARCHIE. I won the case.
WENDY. Now this is cracked.
SCENE - GEORGE’S FLAT
GEORGE. They're worth about 100,000 each. There are 135 of them. That makes 13 millions, my friends.
WANDA. Dollars or pounds?
GEORGE. Pounds, pet. This is the big one. So ...?
WANDA. Okay.
KEN. Yeah.
GEORGE. Otto?
OTTO. Yes?
GEORGE. Okay?
OTTO. What?
GEORGE. The plan.
OTTO. Yeah, great. No problem. What was the middle thing about the police?
GEORGE. We don't meet up at Heathrow until Tuesday ...
OTTO. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
GEORGE. I haven't finished yet. Because the police will watch all the airports for 72 hours.
OTTO. I know.
KEN. You want me to g ... g ... g ... get a b ... b ... b ... big c ... c ... car for the getaway?
GEORGE. Yes, Ken. A limo, okay? And put diplomatic plates on it, right?
OTTO. What if he has to say something during the break-in?
GEORGE. Nobody says anything during the break-in, Otto.
WANDA. It's okay, Otto. Ken's good.
GEORGE. So, next week ... we won't have to look for work ... and it won't have to look for us. Oscar Wilde.
OTTO. You really like animals, don't you, Ken? What's the attraction?
KEN. Because you can t ... t ... t ... trust them ... and they don't sh ... sh ... sh ...
OTTO. Sh** on you?
KEN. Show off all the time.
OTTO. You know what Nietzsche said about them? He said they were God's second blunder. Bye, sis.
KEN. Well, you tell him from me ... that I could show you ...
OTTO. Bye, George.
OTTO. If you talk to Mom, tell her I said hi.
WANDA. OK.
OTTO. Don't let him touch you.
WANDA. One more day, we're together.
WANDA. I'm sorry about my brother. I know he's insensitive. He's had a hard life. Dad used to beat him up.
KEN. Good.
THE ROBBERY
SCENE - AN ARMED ROBBERY IN A JEWELLERY VAULT IN HATTON GARDEN, LONDON
ROBBER. Anybody moves, and you're dead! [ONE OF THE ROBBERS KICKS A GLASS PANEL, WHICH BREAKS]
SCENE - A BUSY ROAD IN THE HATTON GARDEN AREA. AN OLD LADY WITH THREE SMALL DOGS IS WALKING ALONG THE ROAD.
OLD LADY Look where you're going, chauvinist pig. Really, people here just think they own the pavement. [THE GETAWAY CAR ALMOST HITS HER AS SHE CROSSES THE ROAD. SHE LOOKS HARD AT GEORGE]
SCENE - A SMALL ROAD IN THE CITY OF LONDON. GEORGE, KEN, WANDA AND OTTO PARK THE GETAWAY CAR AND LEAVE IT.
OTTO. That was fun. I love robbing the English. They're so polite.
KEN. The d ... d ... d ...
OTTO. What is it, Ken?
KEN. The dog.
WANDA. We didn't hit the dog.
OTTO. Twenty million dollars, he's worried about an insect.
KEN. It's not an ... an ... an ... in ...
OTTO. Stutter's not getting any better, is it, Ken. Have you thought about surgery?
GEORGE. Shut up.
WANDA. Ken ... bye! [KEN RIDES OFF ON A MOTORCYCLE, THE OTHERS GO TO A LOCK-UP GARAGE UNDER A RAILWAY VIADUCT. GEORGE PUTS THE JEWELS IN A SAFE.]
GEORGE. Let's split.
OTTO. Meet you at Heathrow on Tuesday.
GEORGE. Lie low. No celebrating. [OTTO LEAVES]
WANDA. No celebrating?
GEORGE. See you in a couple of hours. [WANDA LEAVES. OTTO IS WAITING ROUND THE CORNER. HE WATCHES GEORGE LEAVE, BUT DOES NOT SEE GEORGE GO BACK INTO THE GARAGE A COUPLE OF MINUTES LATER]
THE DOUBLE-CROSS
SCENE - OTTO’S APARTMENT. OTTO AND WANDA ARE KISSING.
WANDA. To 20 million.
OTTO. To a job well done.
WANDA. To us.
OTTO. To the best brother and sister team since ...
WANDA. Romeo and Juliet? Yeah.
OTTO. Do you believe those Cockney klutzes bought our story? What morons!
WANDA. I want you to know something.
OTTO. What?
WANDA. Even if you were my brother, I'd still want to f*** you. Make the call.
OTTO. Momento, carissima.
WANDA. No!
OTTO. Eventuale!
WANDA. No Italian! Hey!
OTTO. Per cominciare, due insalate verdi con peperoni. E linguine primavera ...
WANDA. No. No.
OTTO. Una cotoletta di vitello.
WANDA. No! Make the call, Otto. Are you really Italian?
OTTO. Absolutamente. Si! My name is Otto. It means "eight." Say "Arrivederci a Georgio."
WANDA. Good-bye, George.
OTTO. Oh, yes, I wonder if you could put me through to the police? Yes, hello. Sorry to trouble you. I thought it might interest you to know the Hatton Garden robbery today ...was pulled off by a Mr. George Thomason ...who lives at Flat 3 ...Kipling Mansions, Murray Road ... London W9.
SCENE - GEORGE’S FLAT. HE IS LOOKING AT SOME BROKEN GLASS ON HIS TROUSERS
GEORGE. Wanda?
POLICE. Police. Open up. Come on. Open up. Open the door, or we'll knock it down. [GEORGE HIDES A SMALL KEY IN A POT OF FISH FOOD BY THE AQUARIUM]
POLICE. George Francis Thomason.
SCENE - WANDA AND OTTO ARE IN A CAR ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CANAL, WATCHING THE POLICE TAKE GEORGE AWAY.
WANDA. Passport? Tickets? Money! [OTTO DRIVES THE CAR ACROSS THE ROAD AND HITS ANOTHER CAR, WHICH CRASHES.]
OTTO. Asshole!
SCENE - THE LOCK-UP GARAGE. OTTO IS USING A STETHOSCOPE TO OPEN THE SAFE.
OTTO. We're rich, Wanda.
WANDA. Yep.
OTTO. Bet these last weeks with me have been the most exciting weeks of your life.
WANDA. You said it. [SHE IS STANDING BEHIND HIM, AND GETS READY TO HIT HIM ON THE HEAD. OTTO OPENS THE SAFE, WHICH IS EMPTY]
OTTO. Okay. Okay. Disappointed!!! Son of a bitch! What do you have to do in this life to make people trust you?
WANDA. Shut up.
OTTO. People are always taking advantage of me.
WANDA. Shut up and think. Where has he moved it? [OTTO PULLS OUT A GUN AND SHOOTS THE SAFE] What are you doing?
OTTO. I'm thinking. I'm thinking of what I'm going to do to him. First I'll hang him up with piano wire. Then I’ll ... where are you going?
WANDA. I'm going to talk to him.
OTTO. Then I’ll ... talk to who? Talk to who?
GEORGE IN PRISON
SCENE - A PRISON CELL. ARCHIE AND BARTLETT (GEORGE’S SOLICITOR) ARE WITH GEORGE
ARCHIE. ... so in the course of installing these windows for your parents, you were kneeling on the floor where there was broken glass from the pane that you dropped.
GEORGE. That's right, sir.
ARCHIE. And your mother and father can confirm this?
BARTLETT. Yes, and his aunt, Georgina Thomason.
ARCHIE. Good, Bartlett. [THERE IS A KNOCK AT THE DOOR]. Yes?
GUARD Sorry to interrupt you, sir. Thomason, young lady to see you.
BARTLETT. Anything else?
ARCHIE. That's everything for the moment. You don't have to dash off?
BARTLETT. No, no, no, absolutely not.
BARTLETT. George, Ken's got the fish food. He'll be in later.
GEORGE. Thanks.
BARTLETT. De nada. What do you think, Mr. Leach?
ARCHIE. Well, I think we may be all right with the glass, but what else are they going to come up with?
SCENE - THE VISITING ROOM AT THE PRISON
WANDA. Oh, George, oh my God, I can't believe this is happening. [SHE HUGS HIM]
GUARD That's not allowed in here, miss.
WANDA. Are you okay?
GEORGE. I'm all right.
WANDA. George, I don't think I can handle this. I was so afraid to sleep last night. I thought the police were coming.
GEORGE. Leave it out, okay? Listen, listen. You stayed at my place. We slept late. You made me breakfast. [GEORGE SEES OTTO, AND GLARES AT HIM]
WANDA. What?
GEORGE. What's he doing here?
WANDA. He wanted to see you.
GEORGE. I have friends making inquiries.
OTTO. Good.
GEORGE. The jewels are very safe. If I get sent down, it all gets handed back to cut my sentence. Now, to cut my sentence even more, I could tell them who done it with me, if I wasn't very happy about everything.
OTTO. What was the middle thing?
GEORGE. Piss off.
OTTO. Do you want me to ...
GEORGE. Now.
WANDA. You don't think ...
GEORGE. Do you?
WANDA. No ... no ... no. George?
GEORGE. What?
WANDA. Are you sure the garage is very safe?
GEORGE. Trust me. [WANDA LEAVES THE PRISON]
WANDA. Thank you very much. Thanks a lot. Bye. Have a good day.
OTTO. So?
WANDA. Well, he's not sure it was you. That's something, I guess.
OTTO. What about you?
WANDA. He believes me. That's why he can't figure out about you.
OTTO. Figure out what?
WANDA. Whether you turned him in or not, stupid.
OTTO. Don't ever, ever, call me stupid, okay?
OTTO. What?
WANDA. That's George's lawyer. The other guy must be the barrister.
OTTO. So?
WANDA. Trust me. [SHE TAKES OFF HER JACKET, UNDER WHICH SHE IS WEARING A SEXY DRESS, AND PUTS ON A PAIR OF SPECTACLES WITH HEAVY FRAMES]
WANDA AND ARCHIE
ARCHIE. You let me know if anything unexpected turns up.
BARTLETT. Yes, yes.
ARCHIE. No, I don't think so.
WANDA. Oh ... but you are a famous barrister, aren't you?
ARCHIE. Well, hardly.
WANDA. Well, could I have your autograph anyway?
ARCHIE. Yes, certainly.
WANDA. Thanks. I'm studying aspects of your legal system. I'm American.
ARCHIE. Oh, really?
WANDA. I've only just started, though. It's fascinating.
ARCHIE. What brings you here?
WANDA. Oh, it's a little embarrassing. I have a friend.
ARCHIE. Oh, I see. Well, there you are.
WANDA. I knew it! You're Archie Leish!
ARCHIE. Leach.
WANDA. Right. I saw you in court two weeks ago.
ARCHIE. The casino break-in?
WANDA. You were great!
ARCHIE. Well.
WANDA. I'm a big fan of yours. I love the way you cross-examine. I really admire your work.
ARCHIE. Thank you.
WANDA. I'd better not keep you.
ARCHIE. I don't suppose you ... Fine. Right. Well.
WANDA. Thank you for this. I'll treasure it.
ARCHIE. Au revoir.
WANDA. You speak French too. Ah ... [ARCHIE DRIVES OFF, WITH HIS BRIEFCASE ON TOP OF HIS CAR]
OTTO. What's going on?
WANDA. Whatever George decides to do, he's going to tell Leach first.
OTTO. Why?
WANDA. 'Cause he's his lawyer.
OTTO. Yeah, I know that.
WANDA. So I'm gonna get to know Mr. Leach.
OTTO. George is gonna tell him where the diamonds are.
WANDA. That's what I'm going to find out.
SCENE - THE VISITING ROOM AT THE PRISON. KEN SHOWS GEORGE THE LITTLE KEY IN THE FISH FOOD POT.
GEORGE. You've done well, my son. Now, where are we going to hide it? [KEN WHISPERS TO GEORGE]. Very good. Don't tell Wanda anything. Otto might get something out of her.
KEN. George, you are gonna get off?
GEORGE. Sure, don't worry about it, Ken. We'll fix it. Now, anything on Otto?
KEN. Not yet.
GEORGE. You watch him.
SCENE - GEORGE’S FLAT. OTTO AND WANDA ARRIVE
WANDA. Ken! [NO ANSWER] It's okay. Looks like the police have been all over it. Let me just change clothes and then I'll help you look.
OTTO. Hello, K ... K ... K ... Ken's p.. p ... p ... pets. Wake up, limey fish! So, how are you gonna get friendly with this lawyer?
WANDA. I don't know. I'll improvise.
OTTO. F***ing insects! [HE DROPS A BRUSH INTO THE AQUARIUM] I thought Englishmen didn't like women, the way they talk.
WANDA. No, he's straight. He's kind of cute, too, in a pompous sort of way.
OTTO. You got the hots for him?
WANDA. I'm not into necrophilia, thanks.
OTTO. What is this? Hump-a-limey week, suddenly? Otto doesn't approve. Otto might get jealous. E molto pericoloso, signorina. Molto pericoloso ... [SHE KISSES HIM, HE THROWS HER ONTO THE BED] Carissima.
WANDA. Oh, speak it, speak it!
OTTO. Un ossobuco milanese con piselli. Melanzane parmigiana con spinaci. Dove la farmacia?
WANDA. Yes, yes, yes! No, no, no.
OTTO. Si, si, si.
WANDA. No, no, no. No, not here. Otto, not here.
OTTO. Dove la Fontana di Trevi?
WANDA. Not here, Otto!
OTTO. Mozzarella ... er ... Parmigiana ... Gorgonzola!
WANDA. Otto, no! [SHE RESISTS AND THEY FALL OFF THE BED. KEN ARRIVES AT THE APARTMENT]
KEN. Wanda? Look what I've got, Wanda. Treasure! [HE SEES THE BRUSH. WANDA SENDS OTTO INTO THE BATHROOM AND WATCHES FROM THE BEDROOM WHILE KEN PUTS THE LITTLE KEY INTO THE TOY TREASURE CHEST IN THE AQUARIUM. THEN SHE WRAPS A TOWEL ROUND HER HEAD AND WALKS INTO THE LIVING ROOM]
WANDA. [SCREAMS]
KEN. Ooh!
WANDA. Oh, my God, Ken, it's you. I thought it might have been the police again. Isn't it horrible about George? Oh, Ken! I have such a bad headache. Could you run around to the corner shop and pick me up some aspirin or something? [THERE IS A NOISE FROM THE BATHROOM]
OTTO. Sh**.
KEN. What's that?
WANDA. That's my brother. He's using the bathroom.
KEN. Otto?
WANDA. Mmm. We just went and saw George. Oh, it was horrible, Ken. Just horrible.
OTTO. Isn't it terrible about George? When I find the bastard who squealed ... I love that man!
KEN. What are you d ... doing here?
OTTO. What am I doing here? Wanda was upset, Ken. She needed to talk to family.
KEN. She's just had a shower!
OTTO. I've got to speak to you. Are you okay now, sis?
WANDA. I'm fine. Thanks for coming.
OTTO. Call me if you need me again.
WANDA. Okay. Thanks.
OTTO. What's the matter with you, Ken? Can't you think about her feelings?
KEN. There's something funny going on.
OTTO. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. You don't even know why you're excited, do you? I didn't want to say anything while George was around. Isn't it time you faced up to certain realities, Ken? Come on. You're a very attractive man, Ken. You're smart, you've got wonderful bones, great eyes and you dress really interestingly. We could have a lot of fun together, you and I. And I think we'd be really good for each other. What do you say?
KEN. You must be j ... j ... j ... jok ...
OTTO. May I kiss you, Ken?
KEN. No, you f***ing can't!
OTTO. Just a peck. No tongue. Ken! You didn't realize I was gay. Okay, look, I'm sorry. I've handled this badly. Look, the physical side can wait. You need time. Will you think about it? [OTTO LEAVES, KEN GOES BACK UP TO THE APARTMENT, WHERE WANDA HAS TAKEN THE KEY AND IS PRETENDING TO MAKE A PHONE CALL]
WANDA. Oh, my God. Ken, somebody just called! They said the police know the loot is in a garage in Fulham somewhere. You and I have to go get it right now. You and I have to go and move it before the police find out where it is.
KEN. It's all right.
WANDA. What? George ... Moved ... George moved the loot?
KEN. Yes.
WANDA. Where did he move it, Ken? Where did he move it? [SHE KISSES HIM]
KEN. I don't know where it is. There's a key. I don't know what it's for. It's in the ...
WANDA. Don't tell me. It's better that you don't tell me.
WANDA. Oh, you know, if it wasn't for George ...
KEN. Otto ... tried to kiss me.
WANDA. I thought he might.
SCENE - IN THE SHOP OF A LOCKSMITH / SECURITY EXPERT
LOCKSMITH No. Nothing. No marks at all.
WANDA. But it is a safety deposit box key?
LOCKSMITH Oh, yes. But it could be any one in England. There are millions of them. Hotels, banks, offices. Sorry.
WANDA. Thank you. F***.
SCENE - AN IDENTITY PARADE AT THE PRISON. THE OLD LADY PUTS HER HAND ON GEORGE’S SHOULDER
OLD LADY That's him, Inspector. He's the one who tried to murder my dogs.
SCENE - ARCHIE’S CHAMBERS AT THE INNS OF COURT
ARCHIE. Davidson? There's an American legal student here who wants to see me for a moment. What time's Sir John due?
DAVIDSON. Half past twelve, sir.
ARCHIE. Come in.
WANDA. Hi.
ARCHIE. How very nice to see you.
WANDA. Am I interrupting?
ARCHIE. Absolutely not.
WANDA. Really?
ARCHIE. No, really. Delighted to see you.
WANDA. Hello. So, this is the place, huh?
ARCHIE. This is it.
WANDA. Very nice. I was over at the courts this morning. Boy, it's fascinating. Really so much to know.
ARCHIE. You like it?
WANDA. Everybody wears these. Do you wear one? [SHE PUTS ON HIS COURT WIG]
ARCHIE. Ridiculous.
ARCHIE. Well, I only have a few minutes before ... Sorry.
WANDA. I'm sorry.
ARCHIE. Until then I'm all yours, as they say.
WANDA. I just have a couple of questions. I'm having a little problem understanding preliminary criminal procedures.
ARCHIE. Good.
WANDA. What exactly is the “committal”?
ARCHIE. Ah, interesting. Basically, it's a preliminary investigation where the prosecution presents prima facie evidence that the accused has a case to answer for trial.
WANDA. Well, that's what it says in the books. Let's just take, for example, my friend George Thomason.
ARCHIE. Right.
WANDA. Now, when he goes into his committal on Wednesday ...
ARCHIE. Thomason?
WANDA. Yes.
ARCHIE. George Thomason?
WANDA. Yes. Do you know him?
ARCHIE. I'm defending him.
WANDA. What are you talking about?
ARCHIE. I'm his barrister, his lawyer.
WANDA. That's so great. That's so weird, though. Isn't that weird? I'm so happy it's you that's defending him.
ARCHIE. Thank you.
WANDA. He's sure to get off now. Wow. I could watch you work now.
ARCHIE. Please.
WANDA. Amazing.
WANDA. Anyway, at the committal, George would then plead ...
ARCHIE. Not guilty.
WANDA. Really?
ARCHIE. Oh, you see, the evidence against him is largely circumstantial.
WANDA. But there was an identification, wasn't there?
ARCHIE. True, but a very elderly lady. I think they've got the wrong man.
WANDA. You don't think he did it.
ARCHIE. No.
WANDA. Well, let's just say, for argument's sake, that you did think he did it.
ARCHIE. Sure, if further evidence against him came to light, for example.
WANDA. You would then advise him to plead guilty and turn over the jewels to get his sentence cut. And he would turn them over to who? To you?
ARCHIE. Theoretically?
WANDA. Yes.
ARCHIE. Well, uh ... I'm so sorry. I've forgotten your name.
WANDA. Wanda.
ARCHIE. Wonderful, wonderful. Wanda, there were really three ... Not Wanda Gerschwitz?
WANDA. Yes.
ARCHIE. Oh, my God.
WANDA. What?
ARCHIE. You're his alibi. I can't talk to you.
WANDA. Why not?
ARCHIE. My dear young lady, you are a defence witness. I’m sorry, I must ask you to leave immediately. I'm so sorry.
WANDA. What did I say?
ARCHIE. It's not ethical for me to talk to a witness.
WANDA. Everybody does it in America.
ARCHIE. Well, not in England. It's strictly forbidden. Please, I must insist, otherwise I may have to give up the case. I'm sorry. Please?
WANDA. Oh Archie. I didn't come here today to talk about boring criminal procedures. Come on. You know. You knew the minute I walked in here. I want you.
ARCHIE. What?
DAVIDSON. Sir John is here.
ARCHIE. Right, show him in, please.
WANDA. I want you to make love with me.
DAVIDSON. Pardon?
ARCHIE. Nothing.
WANDA. Will you take me to bed, Archie?
ARCHIE. No. Sorry. [SIR JOHN WALKS IN]
WANDA. Bye, Uncle.
SCENE - OTTO’S APARTMENT, WHERE HE HAS A MARTIAL ARTS GYM WITH A BIG MIRROR.
WANDA. He's pleading not guilty so you're safe until the trial. Leach doesn't think he did it. Ken says there's a safe deposit box key, but only George knows where it is. Thank you, Wanda. What have you found out?
OTTO. Not a lot.
WANDA. You realise he's in court tomorrow?
OTTO. I know that!
WANDA. So nothing, huh?
OTTO. Nix. Zip. Diddly. Bupkuss.
SCENE - ARCHIE AND WENDY’S BEDROOM. ARCHIE IS SITTING ON THE BED, WENDY IS SITTING ON A CHAIR, PORTIA IS LOOKING AT HER NOSE IN A MIRROR.
PORTIA. Oh, it's too big.
WENDY. No, it isn't, Portia.
PORTIA. It is enormous.
WENDY. No, it isn't.
PORTIA. Please, mother.
WENDY. No, absolutely not.
PORTIA. I'm so miserable, and you just don't care.
WENDY. Do shut up, Portia. All I get all day is people complaining to me.
ARCHIE. Oh, dear.
SCENE - BACK IN OTTO’S APARTMENT, WHERE WANDA AND OTTO ARE GETTING PASSIONATE.
OTTO. Ecco I'uomo. Ooh, le due cupole grandi della cattedrale di Milano. Benito Mussolini! Dove il Vaticano? Volare. E cantare.
SCENE - BACK IN ARCHIE’S BEDROOM. ARCHIE AND WENDY HAVE SEPARATE BEDS, AND THEY ARE GETTING UNDRESSED WITHOUT LOOKING AT EACH OTHER.
WENDY. Archie, I want you to speak to her about plastic surgery.
ARCHIE. Hmm?
WENDY. Oh, I do wish you'd listen to me. I want you to speak to Portia.
ARCHIE. Right. I'll have a word with her in the morning.
WENDY. Good night, Archie. Good night! Archie.
ARCHIE. Good night, Wanda.
WENDY. Good night, who?
ARCHIE. Sorry, darling. Just some stupid case I've got tomorrow with some lousy old hag.
A MAGISTRATES COURT IN LONDON. IT’S GEORGE’S COMMITTAL HEARING
CLERK Are you George Francis Thomason of Kipling Mansions, Murray Avenue, London W9?
GEORGE. Yes, sir.
CLERK The charge is one of armed robbery. Sit down, Mr. Thomason. Are we ready for a committal today, Mr. Percival?
LAWYER. Yes, it will be under Section 6(ii), madam.
LAWYER. That is correct ... 6(ii).
LAWYER. Here are the statements, all to be fully bound, please.
MAGISTRATE Stand up, Mr. Thomason. You are hereby committed to stand trial at the Central Criminal Court.
LAWYER. There is some urgency about this case, Madam as the main witness, Mrs Eileen Coady, is elderly and has had serious heart difficulties recently. Is there any possibility that this case might be put down for an early trial?
CLERK That would be for the listing officer at the Old Bailey, Mr Percival. Take him down to the cells, please. [GEORGE BECKONS KEN AND GIVES HIM A NOTE. OTTO WATCHES, THEN FOLLOWS HIM]
GUARD Come along, now.
SCENE - OUTSIDE THE MAGISTRATES COURT
OTTO. Hi, hon. How are you doing? Ooh, you look great. I love your hair. Do you have time for a coffee?
KEN. No, I've got to go.
OTTO. Have you thought about it though? One thing: Why did he give you this? "Eileen Coady, 69 Basil Street"? What does he want you to do, send her flowers? Do her shopping? Show her a good time? Rub her out? He wants you to rub her out? He's going to kill her! [OTTO SHOWS A GUN TO SOME YOUNG MEN] f*** off, or I'll kill you. Limey fruits! So the old lady's going to meet with an accident, Ken?
KEN. What's so funny?
OTTO. Nothing. It's just that wasting old ladies isn't nice.
KEN. Well, it's better than b ... buggering people.
OTTO. I'll bet you a pound you don't kill her.
KEN. All right.
OTTO. All right. I love watching your ass when you walk. Is that beautiful, or what? Don't go near him! He's mine! A pound says you won't kill her.
SCENE - OUTSIDE THE DOORS OF THE MAGISTRATES COURT
LAWYER So when could you look at it?
ARCHIE. Well, let’s think. Thursday's hopeless. My wife's going to the opera Friday evening. I could have a look at it then, call you at the office Saturday morning.
LAWYER. I'd really appreciate that. Thanks, Archie.
WANDA. Hi! I know we're not allowed to talk. Give me a call.
ARCHIE. I can't.
WANDA. Please?
ARCHIE. We're not allowed to speak.
WANDA. We don't have to. I don't want you for your conversation.
ARCHIE. I'd love to, but ... [WANDA PRETENDS TO CRY AND WALKS OFF]
OTTO. What happened?
WANDA. Got a date Friday.
SCENE - THE OLD LADY’S HOUSE. KEN IS THERE, PRETENDING TO BE A MILKMAN WHILE HE STEALS A PIECE OF CLOTHING.
OLD LADY Look here, do you mind not making that terrible noise? My dogs will be having their nap.
KEN. Nice doggy.
SCENE - OTTO’S CAR, OUTSIDE GEORGE’S APARTMENT. WANDA ARRIVES IN A SEXY LOW DRESS.
WANDA. Otto, what are you doing?
OTTO. It's a Buddhist meditation technique. It focuses your aggression. The monks used to do it before they went into battle.
WANDA. What kind of Buddhism is this, Otto? [OTTO CAUSES ANOTHER ROAD ACCIDENT]
OTTO. Asshole! It's an early Tantric meditation ... What is this?
WANDA. In order to get information, I might have to get friendly with him.
SCENE - ARCHIE’S HOME. WENDY AND PORTIA ARE GOING OUT FOR THE EVENING.
WENDY. Well, we're ready now, at last.
ARCHIE. Good. Enjoy the opera, darling.
WENDY. Your supper's in the fridge, Archie.
ARCHIE. Oh, marvellous, thank you so much.
WENDY. Be good.
SCENE - IN OTTO’S CAR
OTTO. When you say "friendly," what are we talking about here? Cordial? Courteous? Supportive? What?
WANDA. I don't know. Let's just see what happens.
OTTO. So, friendly might include actual, what, penetration, would you say?
WANDA. I don't need your jealousy now.
OTTO. Jealousy?
WANDA. Yes.
OTTO. Hey, I'm merely curious. Me, jealous of that fop?
SCENE - ARCHIE’S HOME. HE OPENS THE FRIDGE AND LOOKS AT HIS COLD DINNER.
SCENE - BACK IN OTTO’S CAR
WANDA. What about my tits?
OTTO. Does he get to handle them?
WANDA. Yes, that's my forecast. I'll stand by that.
OTTO. Nuzzling?
WANDA. I think $20 million is worth nuzzling. Eighty percent chance there.
OTTO. Sucking?
WANDA. I thought you weren't jealous.
OTTO. I'm not. I don't believe in jealousy. It's for the weak. One thing, though: Touch his dick, and he's dead.
SCENE - WENDY AND PORTIA HAVE A FLAT TYRE
WENDY. I told your father to get the car serviced.
PORTIA. Aren't we going, then?
WENDY. Oh, do shut up, Portia.
SCENE - ARCHIE’S HOUSE. HE IS INSIDE, WORKING ON SOME PAPERS. WANDA AND OTTO ARRIVE, AND HE STARTS TO PICK THE LOCK OF THE FRONT DOOR.
WANDA. [WHISPERS TO OTTO] Hurry up. [SHE GOES IN]
WANDA. Hi. Do you despise me?
ARCHIE. No, that's not a word that leaps to mind.
WANDA. Can I stay, then?
ARCHIE. Of course. Look. Wanda ...
WANDA. I know. Your wife's coming back.
ARCHIE. No, it's not her. She'll be gone for hours. It's about what I said to you. It is all right for us to speak.
WANDA. It is?
ARCHIE. Provided we don't discuss the case.
WANDA. Oh, fine.
ARCHIE. It's just that if anyone saw us talking ...
WANDA. But they won't.
ARCHIE. Sorry if I seem ... pompous.
WANDA. Oh, you're the best, Archie. [HE GOES TO KISS HER]
WANDA. Not yet. I'm thirsty.
ARCHIE. What shall I get you?
WANDA. Whisky.
ARCHIE. You are the sexiest, most beautiful girl I have ever seen in my entire life.
WANDA. Get me my drink.
SCENE - A FEW MINUTES LATER, THEY’RE BOTH ON THE SOFA
WANDA. Oh, Archie. So if George decides to change his plea, he'd tell you where the loot is first, wouldn't he?
ARCHIE. Darling, we mustn't talk about the trial, okay?
WANDA. I know. I just meant theoretically. Kiss me there.
ARCHIE. Oh, theoretically. Well, if the defendant wants to change his plea, in his instructions to his legal representative, the normal procedure ... [OTTO WALKS INTO THE ROOM AND GESTURES SILENTLY TO WANDA]
ARCHIE. What's the matter?
WANDA. It's wonderful, Archie.
ARCHIE. What's the matter?
WANDA. You're getting me so hot.
ARCHIE. Sorry.
WANDA. I need something to drink. Something cold, maybe in the fridge?
ARCHIE. Champagne?
WANDA. My favourite.
ARCHIE. Don't go away. Je reviens. [ARCHIE LEAVES THE ROOM, WANDA NARROWS HER EYES AND STANDS UP. SHE DOESN’T SEE THAT HER NECKLACE HAS FALLEN ON THE FLOOR]
WANDA. What are you doing here?
OTTO. Relax.
WANDA. Get the f*** out of here.
OTTO. I heard moaning. I was worried.
WANDA. I was faking it, you stupid jerk.
OTTO. Don't ever call me stupid, and I'm not jealous.
WANDA. Then leave.
OTTO. Okay. [HE PUTS HIS HAND ON HER HEAD AND PUSHES HER OVER THE SOFA] It's a nice place. Don't touch his dick. [HE WALKS OUT, THEN RUNS BACK IN.] His wife, his wife! [THEY HIDE]
WENDY. Now, for goodness' sake, get off to bed. Oh, God, there isn't any ice.
ARCHIE. Champagne! Aaaaah!!
WENDY. What's the matter? What are you doing?
ARCHIE. Champagne, dear, to welcome you home. Let me pour you a glass.
WENDY. Whose is the car?
ARCHIE. The car?
WENDY. Blocking the drive.
ARCHIE. There you are, dear. Cheers. Nice to see you again. How was the opera? Finished early?
WENDY. Whose car is it?
OTTO. Mine. It's a beauty, isn't it? Where did I leave my drink, Archie?
WENDY. Who is this?
ARCHIE. Don't you know?
OTTO. How do you do, Mrs. Leach? I'm Harvey Manfredin St. John. I'm with the CIA.
WENDY. CIA?
OTTO. That's correct, ma'am. I was just telling your husband here, before I had to go to your beautiful bathroom, we've got a high-ranking KGB defector in a safe house near here. We're debriefing him as of now and we're just checking all the houses in the neighbourhood.
WENDY. For what?
OTTO. For KGB.
WENDY. Is there any danger?
OTTO. No, no, no, no, no. No, not now. We just want to keep everyone informed. So, Archie, thanks for the drink. Sorry to have troubled you folks. I'll see myself out.
WENDY. Keep everyone informed?
OTTO. So there's no panic, ma'am.
WENDY. But isn't it a secret?
OTTO. You have no idea how secret.
WENDY. Why are you telling everyone?
OTTO. It's a smoke screen?
WENDY. What?
OTTO. Double bluff. You obviously don't know anything about intelligence work, lady. It's an XK Red 27 technique.
WENDY. My father was in the Secret Service, Mr. Manfredin St. John. I know perfectly well that you don't keep the general public informed when you are debriefing KGB defectors in a safe house.
OTTO. Oh, you don't, huh?
WENDY. Not unless you're congenitally insane or irretrievably stupid.
OTTO. Don't call me stupid.
WENDY. Why on earth not?
OTTO. Oh, you English are so superior, aren't you? Would you like to know where you'd be without the old US Of A, to protect you? The smallest f***ing province in the Russian empire, that's what! So don't call me stupid, lady. Just thank me.
WENDY. Well, thank you for popping in and protecting us.
OTTO. If it wasn't for us, you'd all be speaking German, singing ...
WANDA. That's my brother covering for me. Get rid of your wife and get my necklace.
ARCHIE. Necklace, right. I'll think of something to get rid of her.
PORTIA. Who are you talking to?
ARCHIE. Myself, darling.
PORTIA. Well, who was that shouting?
ARCHIE. The brother of a friend of mine.
WENDY. Archie, who on earth?
ARCHIE. I don't know. Extraordinary. He rang the bell, and I opened the door.
WENDY. I need a drink.
ARCHIE. Well, let's go to the pub.
WENDY. What?
ARCHIE. Let's go to the pub. Would you like to come, Portia?
WENDY. We haven't been there in 15 years.
ARCHIE. It would be rather nice for Portia to see it now, wouldn’t it darling?
WENDY. Honestly, Archie. What on earth is the matter?
ARCHIE. I thought the picture was falling.
WENDY. Pull yourself together.
ARCHIE. It's all right. It's secure now.
PORTIA. What's this?
ARCHIE. Thanks, Portia. Well done. Coming with us?
WENDY. What was that?
PORTIA. A kind of necklace.
WENDY. What's going on?
ARCHIE. Nothing, dear. Let's go.
WENDY. Can I see that?
ARCHIE. What?
WENDY. In your hand. Your other hand. [SHE SNATCHES THE NECKLACE]
ARCHIE. Portia, go to your room.
PORTIA. Aren’t we going to the pub?
ARCHIE. I can explain. I left some papers at the office.
ARCHIE. And they sent a new girl up.
WENDY. Oh, Archie.
ARCHIE. Really, she's Canadian. She mentioned it was her birthday.
WENDY. It's lovely. Thank you. It's even got a "W" for Wendy.
ARCHIE. Oh, I'm so glad you like it, darling.
WENDY. It's the most beautiful thing you've ever given me. Oh, Archie, this isn't like you.