Transcript #5: The Belles of St Trinians
Part 2 of 3
Continued from Part 1
MILLICENT. Yes, and try not to be too conspicuous.
FLASH. Me? Conspicuous? Lady, I’m the invisible man!
SCENE - CLARENCE FRITTON’S OFFICE AT HIS BOOKMAKING BUSINESS. HE IS ON THE TELEPHONE TO BENNY
CLARENCE. Yes, yes, Benny, there’s nothing to ... [HIS SECRETARY KNOCKS AT THE DOOR]
SECRETARY Your daughter’s here.
CLARENCE. Bella! You haven’t been expelled again?
BELLA. No, pop, it’s about the trial. I didn’t think it was safe to phone
CLARENCE. Hold on a minute, Benny, Bella’s here. She’s got news. Ha, ha, Benny’s scared because the price of Arab Boy has dropped.
BELLA. And no wonder. He did the Gold Cup distance in 6 minutes twelve seconds, carrying twelve three.
CLARENCE. Twelve three ... ah ... twelve three?! It’s impossible!
BELLA. No mistake, pop.
CLARENCE. But are you absolutely sure?
BELLA. Absolutely.
CLARENCE. Oh, no, it can’t, it can’t ... I mean, no no, that’d make Arab Boy £10 better than the Prince ... what on earth am I to do, I can’t afford to...
BELLA. Can’t you lay it off, pop?
CLARENCE. With the price of Arab Boy dropped ... I’ve got every single penny I’ve got on the Prince, don’t be a fool! The Prince ... the Prince has just got ... got ... got to win ... hello Benny, come round at once, I’ve got news. No, no, no, not bad news, disastrous! I don’t know why I ever got into partnership with such a nervous wreck!
BELLA. Couldn’t we nobble Arab Boy, pop?
CLARENCE. Don’t you dare talk like that here!
BELLA. Well, we’ve got Arab Boy’s stable lad eating out of our hands. We could fix him with a hundred nicker, easy as falling off a log.
CLARENCE. I’m not listening! Fancy you suggesting schemes like that to your poor distracted father! Go on, go on back to school where you belong, you wicked girl.
BELLA. OK, but think it over, pop. You’re in a spot, and we’ve got the contact, and we’ve got the organisation. Talk it over with Benny.
CLARENCE. Leave this office at once!
BELLA. Well, if you change your mind, slip down tomorrow. There’ll be some parents down for the hockey match. So long!
SCENE - ST TRINIAN’S SPORTS FIELD. SGT GATES IS LEADING OUT THE GIRLS OF THE HOCKEY TEAM, WHO ARE CARRYING A NET FOR THE GOAL.
SGT GATES. Come on! Come on, girls! At the double, for goodness’ sake! You know the match starts in half an hour.
GIRL #8. OK.
SGT GATES. Come on, girls. You really are the laziest lot I ever saw. Matron mended the net, you might at least show some sort of keenness by getting it up.
GIRL #8. Listen, we don’t want to know.
SGT GATES. Well, really, at my other school ... you know, it’s a funny thing, surely this goal’s smaller than that one.
LUCRETIA. Only two feet.
GIRL #8. It’s our goal.
SGT GATES. But I don’t understand. How do you know it’s our goal?
LUCRETIA. We always win the toss.
SGT GATES. How?
GLADYS. Hold this [SHE GIVES SGT GATES HER CIGARETTE, AND SHOWS HER A TWO-HEADED COIN]
SGT GATES. Two heads! That’s cheating!
GLADYS. Nark it!
SGT GATES. No, I refuse to “nark it”! And anyway, what’s the advantage, you’ve got to change over for the second half.
LUCRETIA. Never is a second half.
SGT GATES. Oh, give it to me. Gracious me, I thought hockey was a game but with you girls it’s more like jungle warfare. Lucretia, hold this thing taut at the back. [SHE TURNS ROUND AND SEES THAT THEY’RE ALL LEAVING] Girls! [SHE RUNS AFTER THEM AS THEY DISAPPEAR THROUGH A HEDGE] Girls! Amanda! Come back! I never saw such girls! Come back this minute! Come back! Amanda! Girls! Girls! [THE GIRLS RUN ROUND THE CORNER OF A SUMMERHOUSE, WITH SGT GATES JUST BEHIND THEM] You really are a crummy lot! Girls! Girls! Where are you? Girls! [SHE STOPS AS SHE SEES THE GIRLS SITTING AROUND TWO MEN, WHO ARE RELAXING IN DECK CHAIRS AND LOOK VERY COMFORTABLE.
MAN #1 [TO AMANDA]. Hello, darling! Hello, who’s this?
LUCRETIA. It’s Creepy, our new games mistress.
MAN #2. Well, come on in, sport. Make yourself at home.
MAN #1. Give her a drink, Bubbles dear.
SGT GATES. Now, sir, would you care to tell me what’s going on here? [MLLE DE ST EMILION ARRIVES WITH TWO GIRLS, ALL CARRYING FOOD]
ALBERTINE. Lunch! Poulet à la Albufera, aubergines à la Vauclusienne, avec pommes pommasses! Voilà!
SGT GATES. I’ve never seen anything so disgusting in my life! At a girls’ school, too! I shall go and tell Miss Fritton at once!
SCENE - MISS FRITTON’S OFFICE. MISS FRITTON IS READING “THE SPORTING LIFE” NEWSPAPER WHEN THERE IS A KNOCK AT THE DOOR. SHE PUTS AWAY THE NEWSPAPER.
MILLICENT. Come in.
SGT GATES. Miss Fritton, I just had to see you. You’ve no idea what’s going on in the summerhouse. There are two strange men in there, it’s practically an orgy!
MILLICENT. Why, what are you saying, Miss Crawley, what are they doing?
SGT GATES. They’re having a French lunch.
MILLICENT. Ah, the Lotus Eaters.
SGT GATES. The what?
MILLICENT. The Lotus Eaters, they meet and discuss things, I believe. Mr Rowbottom-Smith, he’s our gardener, and Mr Woodley, he’s our fencing master. They used to be with the Ministry of Education, so you see, there’s nothing to worry about, Miss Crawley.
SGT GATES. You mean they’re Ministry of Education inspectors?
MILLICENT. Well, they were, but they seem to like it better here. We were short of staff, you know, and somehow ... well, it all fitted in. The girls adore them.
SGT GATES. The whole situation has me bereft of words, I can only say ... what can I say?
MILLICENT. Whatever you like, Miss Crawley, only please ... [THERE IS A NOISE OF CHEERING OUTSIDE] ... ah, that must be our girls, giving a rousing welcome to their opponents.
SCENE - THE OTHER TEAM IS ARRIVING IN A COACH. THE ST TRINIAN’S GIRLS WAVE THEIR HOCKEY STICKS AT IT, AND ONE GIRL THROWS A STONE WHICH BREAKS A WINDOW IN THE COACH.
SCENE - BACK IN MISS FRITTON’S OFFICE
MILLICENT. Well, now, Miss Crawley, I’ve given you your congée, your place is on the hockey field.
SGT GATES. Yes, Miss Fritton.
SHE LEAVES AND FLASH HARRY, WHO WAS HIDING BEHIND A SUIT OF ARMOUR IN THE ENTRANCE HALL, COMES IN
FLASH. Psst!
FLASH. No! I don’t want nobody to see me! ‘ere, there’s summink going on in this joint you ought to know about.
MILLICENT. Isn’t there always?
FLASH. It’s this letter. I opened it this afternoon. Posted in the school box by one of your mistresses.
MILLICENT. Tell me, do you always open the school correspondence?
FLASH. Oh, not all of it.
MILLICENT. Give me that letter at once! What’s this! To Superintendent Kemp-Bird, Barchester Constabulary, Barchester.
FLASH. It’s from Miss Crawley.
MILLICENT. But it’s signed “Sergeant Gates”.
FLASH. That’s ‘er, see.
MILLICENT. “Re : St Trinian’s ... I have to report ...” Do you mean that this woman is a detective?
FLASH. Copper’s nark, in skirts.
MILLICENT. Oh, dear. Oh, but this is terrible. “Re : St Trinian’s ... I have to report the following: That there is an illicit still on the premises.”
FLASH. It ain’t a still, it’s a ‘ome-made gadget for making bathtub gin.
MILLICENT. “There is a man here called Flash Harry, who ...” Is that , er ...
FLASH. Yeah. But she’s got no right to call me that in official documents.
MILLICENT. “... who acts as a contact man.”
FLASH. That’s a lie, I’m a go-between.
MILLICENT. “... and gambling is rife in the school.”
FLASH. “... and there is a complete racing service”. [AS HE BENDS FORWARD TO READ THE LETTER SHE IS HOLDING, MISS FRITTON LOOKS APPALLED BY THE SMELL OF HIS HAIR, AND SHE PUTS A HAND OVER HER MOUTH]
MILLICENT. What have you got in your hair?
FLASH. ‘oney and flowers.
MILLICENT. Do you mind putting on your hat?
MILLICENT. “I cannot stand it much longer. No woman has suffered so much for love”. Signed “Ruby” and followed by five crosses.
FLASH. You know, it’s my deduction that that’s a private signal between ‘im and ‘er.
MILLICENT. Really, the sheer effrontery of sending a private detective here!
FLASH. Well, it’s a bloomin’ nerve. There ain’t been no murders ‘ere ... not so far. What you going to do about it?
MILLICENT. I don’t know, I really don’t know.
FLASH. Want me to fix ‘er?
MILLICENT. Certainly not ... what do you mean, “fix her”?
FLASH. Chuck ‘er aat!
MILLICENT. Oh, is that all. No, on the whole I think that would only precipitate trouble. I think the best thing to do is just to ignore her. Tear up that letter, get rid of that contraption in the laboratory, and you must take a holiday in Southend.
FLASH. I don’t like Southend.
MILLICENT. Oh, well, wherever you wish to go. And meanwhile, although I strongly disapprove of your opening letters, I am prepared to make an exception in the case of Miss Crawley.
FLASH. Leave it to Flash.
SCENE - AT THE HOCKEY MATCH. CLARENCE ARRIVES WITH BENNY, HIS BUSINESS PARTNER. THEY ARE WITH BELLA AND SIX OF HER FRIENDS INCLUDING AMANDA AND LUCRETIA. THE GIRLS ARE ALL IN SPORTS KIT.
BELLA. Sit down, pop. [FLORRIE, THE GIRL WITH PIGTAILS, IS SPYING ON THEM, AND SHE RUNS UP BEHIND SO SHE CAN HEAR WHAT THEY ARE SAYING]
BELLA. I figured when I got your message that you’d come round to my way of thinking, so I got the gang together ...
CLARENCE. Oh, you did.
BELLA. ... and we’ve got it all laid on the line. Amanda here takes Bert, the stable boy, to the flicks tonight and then she swings it on him. £100 now and then another hundred when the Prince wins.
BENNY. Two ‘undred quid?
CLARENCE. What are you proposing that this ... this Bert should do?
BELLA. Can you get hold of a horse-box?
CLARENCE. Why?
BELLA. Well, send it to the school riding stables outside the village at 4.00 tomorrow. Arab Boy’ll be in Number 1 box.
CLARENCE. Are you suggesting that we ... we should steal the horse?
BELLA. No, borrow it.
CLARENCE. Borrow it.
BELLA. Just for a couple of days. Well, you want the Prince to win, don’t you? [A WHISTLE BLOWS]. Get cracking, sisters, we’ve got to win this Cup! [THE OTHER GIRLS RUN OFF]. Stick around, pop, and see some hot hockey! [SHE RUNS OFF]
BENNY. A real chip off the old block, she is. What a girl!
CLARENCE. Don’t say that, Benny, don’t say that. It makes my blood run cold.
SCENE - THE HOCKEY PITCH. THE TEAM FROM BILSTON LANE SCHOOL RUNS ONTO THE PITCH, BOOED BY ST TRINIAN’S GIRLS WHO SHAKE THEIR FISTS. THE TEACHERS ARE SITTING BESIDE A TABLE, ON WHICH IS A LARGE TROPHY CUP. MISS FRITTON IS AT THE TABLE WITH A TEACHER FROM BILSTON LANE
TEACHER. It should be a very pleasant fixture.
MILLICENT. I’m sure, I’m sure we look forward to ...
TEACHER. Yes, yes.
SGT GATES. Come on, St Trinian’s, where’s your spirit?
ST TRINIAN'S GIRLS SING: T-O-U-G-H B-A-B-I-E-S, tough babies, St Trinian's!
BELLA [SHE TOSSES A COIN BUT LEAVES IT ON THE GROUND WITHOUT LOOKING AT IT] Heads. [THE OTHER TEAM CAPTAIN TRIES TO PICK UP THE COIN, BUT ONE OF THE ST TRINIAN’S TEAM STEPS ON HER HAND]
EUPHEMIA. Ten to one against Bilston, place your bets now!
SMALL GIRL. Patronise the old firm! [ON THE PITCH, RUBY GATES BLOWS HER WHISTLE BUT SOMEBODY HITS HER ON THE HEAD WITH A CROQUET MALLET AND KNOCKS HER UNCONSCIOUS]
MILLICENT. Yes, yes, indeed. And a goal! A goal!
TEACHER. But there’s no referee! There’s no referee! [SIX GIRLS RUN ONTO THE PITCH CARRYING A STRETCHER]
MILLICENT. No.
TEACHER. But you can’t conceivably allow that goal! The referee is unconscious!
MILLICENT. We don’t usually worry.
TEACHER. I demand that another referee be appointed at once. [SGT GATES IS CARRIED OFF THE PITCH ON THE STRETCHER]
TEACHER. Look what’s going on over there! Look at that girl with the croquet mallet! If you don’t appoint a referee at once, I shall stop the game. I’ve never seen such an exhibition of savagery! I shall stop it at once! [SHE HURRIES TOWARDS THE PITCH HOLDING A WHISTLE, BUT WHEN SHE BLOWS IT, SHE IS KNOCKED OUT BY THE CROQUET MALLET]
MILLICENT. I did warn her ... [ONE BY ONE, THE ENTIRE BILSTON TEAM IS CARRIED OFF THE PITCH ON STRETCHERS, THEN THE ST TRINIAN’S TEAM COME OFF IN TRIUMPH, CHEERED BY THE GIRLS AND STAFF]
MISS DAWN. Wonderful!
SCENE - THE PRESENTATION OF THE TROPHY CUP.
MILLICENT. I must congratulate you on a thoroughly sterling performance! And now Arabella, as captain, I am delighted to present you with the Markham Challenge Trophy. [SHE HANDS IT TO BELLA, BUT KEEPS A FIRM HOLD OF THE HANDLES AND PULLS IT BACK WHEN BELLA TRIES TO TAKE IT] Ah, a token presentation of course, Arabella, as I shall be putting this into safe custody.
SCENE - THE WINDOW OF A PAWNBROKERS, WHICH CONTAINS A DOZEN SILVER TROPHY CUPS
SCENE - THE 4TH FORM COMMON ROOM. FLORRIE IS BEING TORTURED ON A RACK. SHE IS SCREAMING.
FLORRIE. Alright, alright, I’ll tell! Let me off this thing!
JACKIE. Full astern, Maudie. [MAUDIE STOPS TURNING THE WINCH, AND TURNS IT THE OTHER WAY. THEY HELP THE GIRL WITH PIGTAILS TO SIT UP]
FLORRIE. Bella and her gang are going to steal Arab Boy. They’ve gone out to the riding school. The stable boy’s helping them.
JACKIE. We can’t let them get away with this. If Arab Boy doesn’t run, we’ll lose our money!
SCENE - NEWMARKET DOWNS. FOUR HORSES ARE DOING A PRACTICE RACE. ONE IS TRAILING BEHIND. IT’S ARAB BOY. ALBERT THE STABLE LAD RIDES HIM OFF THE TRACK AND INTO SOME TREES, WHERE BELLA AND HER GANG ARE WAITING WITH HORSES FROM THE SCHOOL. HE DISMOUNTS
ALBERT. We’ll ‘ave to ‘urry up. Got the rope? They’ll miss me any minute.
LUCRETIA. Don’t panic. Lie down.
BELLA. You’ve got your story right?
BELLA. Got the mallet, Amanda?
AMANDA. Yes!
ALBERT. Mallet? What d’you want a mallet for?
LUCRETIA. Well, we want to make it look good for your sake, don’t we.
ALBERT. You’re not going to hit me! No!
BELLA. It’s OK, Amanda’s doing it.
ALBERT. No! No!
BELLA. Don’t worry. [AMANDA HITS HIM]
BELLA. Is he out?
SCENE - A PHONE BOX. SAM, CLARENCE’S DRIVER, IS THERE AND THE HORSE-BOX IS PARKED BEHIND.
SAM. OK, Bella, be there in twenty minutes.
SCENE - CLARENCE’S OFFICE. HE AND BENNY ARE READING ABOUT THE THEFT IN A NEWSPAPER.
CLARENCE. If it’s “stop press” now, it’ll be headlines in the morning. I’m nervous, Benny.
BENNY. We get £60,000 if it comes off.
CLARENCE. And three years if it doesn’t.
BENNY. Do you ‘ave to make jokes like that?
CLARENCE. I wasn’t joking. I wish Sammy would ring.
BENNY. It must’ve taken ‘im a couple of hours to get the ‘orse to ‘is place. [SAM SUDDENLY COMES INTO THE ROOM WITH TWO OTHER MEN]
CLARENCE. Sam! I thought I told you not to come near this office!
SAM. Something’s gone wrong, guv. We went ... [CLARENCE STANDS UP AND STARTS TO GRAB THINGS FROM HIS DESK, WHILE THE MEN LOOK AT EACH OTHER]
CLARENCE. Come on! I’ve got a couple of tickets on the 8 o’clock plane to Paris!
SAM. No, nothing like that, guv’nor! We ‘aven’t got the ‘orse! When we got to the riding stables it wasn’t there.
MAN That’s right. We looked in the right box and all the other boxes. But there weren’t no such animal!
SCENE - A COTTAGE AT ARAB BOY’S STABLES. SUPERINTENDENT KEMP-BIRD IS INTERVIEWING THE STABLE LAD IN FRONT OF THE STABLE’S OWNER, A POLICE SURGEON AND A POLICE CONSTABLE. ALBERT THE STABLE LAD HAS A BANDAGE ON HIS HEAD.
KEMP-BIRD. ... and you didn’t see anything when you were dragged from the horse?
ALBERT. Well, I just caught a glimpse of a man’s mackintosh, that’s all, sir.
KEMP-BIRD. I see. What kind of a mackintosh?
ALBERT. An old grey one, sir, I don’t remember any more.
KEMP-BIRD. Alright, that’ll do for now. I shall want to see you again later. Bring in Fred Smith, would you, constable.
CONSTABLE. Hey, Smith!
KEMP-BIRD. How long has that lad been with you?
OWNER. Oh, about a year. He handles the horses well enough.
KEMP-BIRD. What do you make of him, doctor?
SURGEON. Nothing fake about the way he was knocked out. Looked like a blow with a mallet or something. He certainly didn’t do it himself. [THE CONSTABLE COMES BACK WITH FRED SMITH]
KEMP-BIRD. I just want to ask you one question, Smith. You went out on the Downs at exercise with Faning. Did you see anyone around?
SMITH. Well, nobody, sir. Faning dropped back on Arab Boy, and when I looked around there was no sign of them or anyone else there. Except a bunch of girls in the distance, out riding from some school called St Trinian’s.
KEMP-BIRD. Oh, no.
SCENE - SGT GATES IS SPEAKING TO SUPERINTENDENT KEMP-BIRD ON THE SCHOOL TELEPHONE
SGT GATES. Sammy? It’s me, but I was in bed ... of course I’m working! I’m in the “sani”, Sammy ... well, I got hit on the head with a mallet.
KEMP-BIRD. You too! What happened?
SGT GATES. At the hockey match! Haven’t you had my report?
KEMP-BIRD. I haven’t had a line from you. Now look, I’m on a whale of a case. A racehorse has been stolen, the Sultan of Makyad’s Arab Boy, entered for the Gold Cup tomorrow. Now listen to this carefully. Some of the St Trinian’s girls were seen riding near the spot where the horse disappeared. I want you to find out who they were and what they were doing.
SGT GATES. Oh, I say, how jolly pulse-throbbing, I wonder what they’re up to ... yes, of course I’m going to try and find out, Sammy ... no need to be so beastly ... I say, Sammy, I know this is a frightfully important job, you know, for you, and for me and everything, and if I sort of, well, you know, if I did pull it off, could it be wedding bells?
KEMP-BIRD. If you don’t, it’ll be curtains! [HE HANGS UP]
SGT GATES. Oh, Sammy ...
SCENE - THE SCHOOL GROUNDS AT NIGHT. “ROBBIE” ROWBOTTOM-SMITH, THE EX-INSPECTOR, IS HAVING A ROMANTIC WALK WITH MLLE DE ST EMILION.
ROBBIE. You know, Albertina, if anybody had said this would happen to me, I mean, a jolly old school inspector, strolling around with a smashing little French mistress ...
ALBERTINE. Ha, ha, you make me laugh, Robbie.
ROBBIE. Do I? I suppose I do seem rather English to you at times, Albertine, old scout.
ALBERTINE. Only funny English
ROBBIE. Yes, I’m sorry, it’s the Ministry of Ed, you know. It’s difficult to get the old blood pounding uncontrollably after fourteen years at a desk, with only the odd day-trip to Boulogne to give a chap a whiff of the joie de vivre.
ALBERTINE. I love you for it, Robbie.
ROBBIE. By jove, do you really? Well, erm, come in here and have a Guinness. [THEY GO INTO THE SUMMERHOUSE]. The drinks are over here.
ALBERTINE. Aren’t you going to turn on the lights?
ROBBIE. Oh ... do you want me to?
ALBERTINE. Not if you don’t want to.
ROBBIE. I thought we might have a couple of boissons dans le noir sur le ... sofa. [HE PUTS HIS ARM ROUND HER, AND THEY SIT DOWN ON THE SOFA IN THE DARK]
ALBERTINE. Do you love me, Robbie?
ROBBIE. Hey, come on ... [THERE IS A LOUD, WET NOISE JUST BEHIND ALBERTINE, WHO JUMPS FORWARDS]
ALBERTINE. What was that!?
ROBBIE. What was what?
ALBERTINE. Robbie, something’s breathing down my neck.
ROBBIE TURNS ON THE LIGHT TO REVEAL ARAB BOY BEHIND THE SOFA
ROBBIE. By jove! A horse! In here! Ridiculous! [THE 4TH FORM EMERGE FROM BEHIND THE BED, ETC. THEN FLASH HARRY COMES IN] What the blazes is all this?
FLASH. Psst! Old Woodley’s coming through the woods with Amanda. Get that nag out of ‘here sharpish! If she gets ‘er peepers on it, Bella’ll know in a flash!
GIRL #10. But where are we going to take him?
ALBERTINE. Why not?
JACKIE. Because he’s got to win tomorrow.
ROBBIE. I don’t get the hang of this, why should we keep quiet?
FLASH. Shall I fix ‘im?
JACKIE. OK, Flash.
ROBBIE. But I ... er ... what ... what’re you doing?
FLASH SILENTLY GIVES ROBBIE SOME MONEY, THEN FOLLOWS THE GIRLS AND THE HORSE
ROBBIE. Well I’m hanged ...
SCENE - A FEW MINUTES LATER IN MISS FRITTON’S OFFICE, WHERE SHE IS READING AN EVENING NEWSPAPER WITH THE HEADLINE “GOLD CUP HORSE DISAPPEARS - EVE OF RACE SENSATION”. THEN SHE PICKS UP THE TELEPHONE AND MAKES A CALL
MILLICENT. Hello, Mr Alf? The bookmaker? This is Miss Fritton of St Trinian’s speaking. I’ve just read in the paper that Arab Boy has disappeared ... bad luck is not the word for it, Mr Alf. I was positively counting on collecting £4,000 from you ... yes ... well, now, look, Mr Alf, if the horse doesn’t turn up, would you please be good enough to return me my £400, to reach me by Friday morning? You see I ... what? ... I don’t quite follow you, Mr Alf, I don’t get what back ... now please, please, don’t be absurd, my good man, if I go into a telephone booth and make a call, and the horse or the person I am calling is not there, well, I simply press button B and I get ...
MR ALF [WHO HAS ALREADY GONE TO BED]. ‘aven’t you read our rules?
MILLICENT. Rules? Rules? But I’m not interested in your rules, I want my money back!
MR ALF. Well, in that case, you’d better start looking for the horse yourself.
MILLICENT. Where do you expect me to go looking for a horse? [HE HANGS UP] Mr Alf? Operator? Operator? [SHE HANGS UP, THEN WALKS OUT OF HER OFFICE AND SEES A GIRL RIDING A HORSE UP THE STAIRS TOWARDS THE GIRLS’ BEDROOMS]
SGT GATES. May I speak to you Miss Fritton?
MILLICENT. Not just now, Miss Crawley.
SGT GATES. I must.
MILLICENT. I beg your pardon?
SGT GATES. Well, there’s something I’ve got to ask you. Could you tell me, please, which girls went riding this morning?
MILLICENT. Miss Crawley, this is neither the place nor the time. If ... why?
SGT GATES. Well, some of the girls were on the Downs this morning when a racehorse disappeared.
MILLICENT. Well?
SGT GATES. Well, I thought they might have seen something.
MILLICENT. And if they did?
SGT GATES. Well, I thought they might like to help the police. I mean, Guides’ honour, we’re all Girl Guides, aren’t we?
MILLICENT. Are we? Some of us may have aspired beyond that happy state, Miss Crawley. The girls are in bed, and I’m certainly not going to disturb them in order to satisfy your morbid curiousity.
SGT GATES. Yes, but I ...
MILLICENT. Will you kindly return to the sanitorium and attend to what concerns you?
SGT GATES. But it does concern ...
MILLICENT. Yes, Miss Crawley?
SGT GATES. Nothing, Miss Fritton [SHE LEAVES]
MILLICENT. Hm.
SHE GOES UPSTAIRS, HEARS SHOUTING AND ARAB BOY’S WHINNY, AND GOES INTO THE 4TH FORM DORMITORY WHERE SHE FINDS THEM, FLASH HARRY AND THE HORSE.
MILLICENT. Girls, girls, you know perfectly well that pets are not allowed in dormitories, and under the same rule, Mr Harry, I doubt if you should be here either. Am I right in thinking that this animal here is Arab Boy?
JACKIE. Yes, Miss Fritton.
MILLICENT. Harry ... now look me in the eyes and tell me the truth, Harry, have you had anything to do with this?
FLASH. Me? Oh, lady!
MILLICENT. I’m glad, Harry.
JACKIE. Bella pinched him because she wanted her dad’s horse to win.
MAUDIE. But we nipped in and swiped him from her, didn’t we?
GIRLS. Yes!!
MILLICENT. Why didn’t you take the animal back to the stables? Why bring him here?
JACKIE. Because if we took him back now, they’d nobble him.
GIRL #4. One of the stable boys is in their pay.
MILLICENT. Then surely the most sensible thing would have been to phone the police and tell them about that.
FLASH. That’s what I told ‘em. You can’t go dragging a reputable racehorse like him from pillar to post.
MILLICENT. Certainly not. How do you propose to get him back?
JACKIE. Fatima’s father arrives at London Airport at six in the morning. She’s going to phone him.
MILLICENT. What? And tell him the horse is here? And have half the school appearing in the juvenile courts?
FLASH. Oh, she’s right, you know, we don’t want our good name dragged through the mud.
MILLICENT. Of course not. Now, there is only one thing to do. The animal must be taken out of here secretly at dawn. Fatima can ride it back to the stables and say that she found him straying.
JACKIE. That’s a wizard idea!
GIRLS. Yes!!
MILLICENT. Meanwhile, I shall telephone to the police ... anonymously, Harry ... and tell them about that stable boy.
FLASH. Ooh, what a dame, eh?
MILLICENT. Now, set your alarms, girls, for 6 o’clock.
GIRLS. Yes, Miss Fritton.
MILLICENT. And I want every girl here to promise, on her Guide’s honour, not to breathe a word about this.
GIRLS. We promise, Miss Fritton.
MILLICENT. Moreover it’s Parents’ Day tomorrow, so I want every single shred of evidence that the horse has been here removed.
GIRLS. Yes, Miss Fritton.
MILLICENT. Now off to your beds at once, girls, as quickly as you can. And remember that St Trinian’s expects that every 4th form girl, tomorrow morning, will do her duty.
GIRLS. Yes, Miss Fritton.
MILLICENT. Goodnight, girls.
GIRLS. Goodnight, Miss Fritton.
FLASH. Goodnight, lady, goodnight.
MILLICENT. Harry, this way.
FLASH. Oh ... of course.
SCENE - ST TRINIAN’S AT DAWN THE NEXT DAY. FLORRIE IS STEALING FOOD IN THE KITCHENS WHEN SHE HEARS A HORSE WHINNY. SHE LOOKS OUT OF THE WINDOW AND SEES ARAB BOY LOOKING OUT OF THE WINDOW OF THE 4TH FORM DORMITORY. SHE RUNS OFF TO THE 6TH FORM DORMITORY
FLORRIE. Bella! Bella, wake up!
BELLA. Oh, I’ll brain you ...
FLORRIE. I’ve got something to tell you. The 4th form have got a horse in their dorm.
BELLA. You’re crazy.
FLORRIE. See for yourself, he’s looking out of the window. Do you think it’s Arab Boy?
SCENE - THE 4TH FORM DORMITORY, WHERE ALL THE ALARM CLOCKS GO OFF AT 6 AM.
GIRL #12. I say, look at Arab Boy! He’s got his head out the window!
GIRL #13. Get him back, quickly!
SCENE - THE ENTRANCE HALL OF ST TRINIAN’S. BELLA IS ON THE TELEPHONE
BELLA. Oh, don’t worry, pop, he’s in that dormitory to stay, but we’re going to need help when things hot up ... well, how long will you be? ... oh, you’d better warn the boys it’s Parent’s Day today, we can’t have the police dragged into this ... OK, we’ll hold the fort ‘til then, so long.
SHE RUNS UPSTAIRS. FLASH HARRY COMES OUT OF HIDING AND FOLLOWS HER. HE FINDS HER AND HER GANG BEHIND A BARRICADE OF FURNITURE OUTSIDE THE 4TH FORM DORMITORY.
BELLA. OK, they’re on their way. Where’s Gladys?
GIRL #10. Working on the dormitory door.
SCENE - IN THE 4TH FORM DORMITORY. FATIMA, WEARING RIDING CLOTHES, IS HOLDING ARAB BOY AND THE OTHER GIRLS ARE GETTING READY.
JACKIE. Celeste, you go down and see if the coast is clear.
CELESTE. It’s locked!
JACKIE. It can’t be!
LITTLE GIRL. Who’s done that?
GIRL #5. Blimey!
SCENE - OUTSIDE THE DORMITORY. THERE IS A HUGE PILE OF FURNITURE AGAINST THE DOOR.
BELLA. How’s it going, kids?
GLADYS. OK. It’d take a tank to get out of there!
SCENE - INSIDE THE DORMITORY THE 4TH FORM ARE USING A BED AS A BATTERING-RAM
SCENE - MISS FRITTON’S OFFICE WHERE ALL THE STAFF HAVE ASSEMBLED.
MILLICENT. Ladies and gentlemen, we are faced with open rebellion. The 6th form have imprisoned the 4th form in their dormitory, I regret to say with a racehorse.
BRIMMER. Not this Arab Boy?
MILLICENT. This Arab Boy, and it is absolutely imperative that it runs today, for all our sakes.
GALE. Our sakes?
MILLICENT. Yes, you see I put the school funds on it. So, if you want to collect your salaries, you must help to release it.
WILSON. It’s come to this, the jolly old stipend on a non-runner.
MILLICENT. I propose to storm the barricades. I’m sure that if we make one concerted charge we shall carry the day, so come along, arm yourselves and follow me, there is not one moment to lose!