Transcript #4: Stardust
Part 2 of 2
Continued from Part 1
YVAINE. And what's she doing to prove how she feels about you?
TRISTAN. Well ... look, Yvaine, you’ll understand when you meet her. All right? Provided we don't get murdered by pirates first.
YVAINE. Murdered by pirates. Heart torn out and eaten. Meet Victoria. I can't quite decide which sounds more fun.
SCENE - THE WITCHES’ MANSION
MORMO. We've located the sky vessel. It's headed north for the port town on Mount Drummond
EMPUSA ...and you are no longer the only one seeking the star. There's someone following your tracks!
LAMIA. A witch? A warlock?
EMPUSA. A prince, and he's catching you up! Get a move on!
SCENE - THE BRIG OF THE SKY SHIP. CAPTAIN SHAKESPEARE IS INTERROGATING TRISTAN AND YVAINE, WHILE THE CREW LISTEN OUTSIDE THE DOOR
CAPTAIN. So, this is the part where you tell me who you are and why you're up here, or I'll snap her pretty little fingers one by one like dry twigs!
TRISTAN. My name is Tristan Thorn. This is my wife, Yvaine.
CAPTAIN. Your wife? Far too young and radiant to belong to just one man! It's share and share alike aboard my vessel, sonny boy!
TRISTAN. If you dare even touch her ...
CAPTAIN. You may think you're showing a little spirit in front of your lady friend, but if you talk back to me again, I'll feed your tongue to the dogs, you impertinent little pup!
TRISTAN. Sir?
CAPTAIN. Better! But still interrupting. Let's see. A hanging's always good for morale. Maybe we'll watch you dance a gallows jig! Or perhaps I'll just tip you over the side and have done with it. It's a very long way down. Plenty of time to reminisce about your pitifully short lives.
TRISTAN. Please, look, we're just trying to make our way home, back to a place called Wall where I come from.
CAPTAIN. What did you say?
TRISTAN. I said we were trying to get home to Wall.
CAPTAIN. That's one lie too many, my son. Thought you could just wander onto my patch, did you? And live to tell the tale?
CREW All right, go, on the deck, on the deck, on the deck! Now, go, go, go!
CAPTAIN. Big mistake, Mr. Thorn! And the last one you’ll ever make!
SCENE - AS THE CREW WATCH FROM THE DECK, THE CAPTAIN THROWS A BODY OUT OF THE WINDOW AND IT FALLS TOWARDS THE EARTH
SCENE - THE CAPTAIN DRAGS YVAINE OUT OF THE BRIG AND ACROSS THE DECK
YVAINE. No! No! You brute! You murderer! You pig!
CAPTAIN. I'm taking the girl to my cabin, and mark my words, anyone who disturbs me for the next few hours will get the same treatment!
MATE What? You’ll..
CAPTAIN. No, you idiot! I'll sling you over the side as well!
MATE Oh, yeah. Captain's busy. So should you be.
CAPTAIN. Get in there, wench! [THEY GO INTO THE CAPTAIN’S CABIN, WHERE TRISTAN IS WAITING FOR THEM IN HIS UNDERWEAR. THE CAPTAIN’S VOICE CHANGES COMPLETELY]. So, that went well, I thought. Now, tell me news of my beloved England. I want to hear absolutely everything.
YVAINE. Hang on, I can't believe your crew fell for that. And where in God's name did you get that mannequin from?
CAPTAIN. Oh, it works every time. An ounce of bargaining, a pinch of trickery, a soupçon of intimidation, et voilà! The perfect recipe for a towering reputation without ever having to spill one drop of blood. Ever tried to get blood stains out of a silk shirt? Nightmare.
TRISTAN. Right. I still don't understand how they won't recognize me.
CAPTAIN. Tristan, dear boy, when I'm done, your own mother won't recognize you. Now, we've no time to waste. We have only two hours before we make port. First and foremost, it'll be so good to see you out of those dreary clothes. So very small-town errand-boy. Howlingly parochial. Here. Très you. I wore it as a younger man. I hate to throw anything away. You know the day you do, it’ll come back in fashion, be oh, so à la mode. Now, you, darling. I have some lovely dresses. Take your pick.
YVAINE. Oh, no, really, I'm fine.
CAPTAIN. Honey, you're wearing a bathrobe. Now, England, England. I want to hear everything.
TRISTAN. You're not from England.
CAPTAIN. Oh, no, sadly, no, but from my earliest youth I lapped up the stories. People always told me they were nothing more than folklore but my heart told me they were true. As a boy, I'd scurry away from my father at the market [YVAINE FINDS A NICE DRESS] while he did his deals just to peek over the wall, and dream of, perhaps, crossing it one day, seeing England for myself.
TRISTAN. Really? So you ... you were here looking over there.
CAPTAIN. Oh, yes.
CAPTAIN. Hair.
TRISTAN. Hair?
CAPTAIN. Mm, hmm. Mind you, I did my best to fit in. Tried to make my father, Captain Ghostmaker, proud. Forged a decent reputation as a ruthless marauder and cold-blooded killer. [YVAINE LAUGHS] But my father died. I always promised him I'd take over the family business, keep the old girl flying. You have no idea the lightness it brings to my heart being able to confide in you charming young people. The pressure of maintaining the whole Captain Shakespeare persona for the sake of the crew, I don't know. Sometimes ... you see, I'm very much a man of my own creation. [ALTHOUGH THE CAPTAIN IS CUTTING TRISTAN’S HAIR, IT IS SUDDENLY LONGER] Even chose the name specially. Took me ages. See, I'm thinking legendary British wordsmith, my enemies and crew are thinking "Shake! Spear!" It's little things like that make me happy.
TRISTAN. I don't understand that. Surely it would make you happier just to be yourself. Why fight to be accepted by people you don't actually want to be like?
YVAINE. Yeah. Why would anyone do that to himself?
TRISTAN. Exactly.
SCENE - THE SKY SHIP ARRIVES AT THE MOUNT DRUMMOND SKYPORT
THE MATE. Port ahoy! Ready the lightning barrels!
SCENE - FERDIE’S OFFICE AT MOUNT DRUMMOND SKYPORT
FERDIE. Yeah. Doesn't seem very fresh. I'll be honest.
CAPTAIN. Shall I give you a little taste, young Ferdinand?
FERDIE. No, no. [THE CAPTAIN OPENS THE CONTAINER AND CAUSES A SMALL EXPLOSION IN FERDIE’S OFFICE] Oh, there you go. Brilliant. Like they're cheap.
CAPTAIN. I think it's still crackling, very much alive, still très fresh. So, name your best price.
FERDIE. For 10,000 bolts?
CAPTAIN. Ten thousand bolts of finest quality grade A.
FERDIE. Yeah, but it's difficult to shift, isn't it? Difficult to store. If I get the Revenue men in here sniffing round, what's the... Best price, 150 guineas.
CAPTAIN. Gentlemen, put the merchandise back onboard and prepare to sail.
FERDIE. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
CAPTAIN. Ferdinand, always a pleasure.
FERDIE. Hold on. Hold on. One minute. Hold on, Cuddles. 160. 160.
CAPTAIN. Seeing as I'm feeling particularly generous today, I'll settle for 200.
FERDIE. 200? Okay. You're having a laugh. Have you had your head in that? Has he been sailing up where the air's too thin? [HE WHISTLES]
CAPTAIN. You're being very rude.
FERDIE. Not any more.
CAPTAIN. 200.
FERDIE. 180.
CAPTAIN. 200.
FERDIE. That's not negotiation. I'm changing my number. 185.
CAPTAIN. Did I hear 200?
FERDIE. From you, you did. Yeah.
CAPTAIN. You said 200.
FERDIE. If I did, you're a ventriloquist. Okay, 195. Final offer.
CAPTAIN. 195 it is. So, with sales tax, that's, let's see, 200.
FERDIE. Brilliant. Put it in the back. Unbelievable. Here ...
HE TAKES THE CAPTAIN. ASIDE TO SAY SOMETHING TO HIM QUIETLY. YVAINE FOLLOWS THEM.
FERDIE. Yes? Can I help you? [YVAINE GOES AWAY] Nosy. Have you heard any of these rumours going round about a fallen star? Everyone's talking about it. You get your hands on one of them, we can shut up shop. Retire.
CAPTAIN. Fallen star? [HE LOOKS AT YVAINE]
FERDIE. Yeah. Nothing on your travels?
CAPTAIN. No.
FERDIE. Not even a little sniff of a whisper? Everyone's going on about it down at the market.
CAPTAIN. Which market? The market near the wall?
FERDIE. Yeah.
CAPTAIN. Well, Ferdie, you're wasting your time listening to gossip from the kind of pond scum trading down there.
FERDIE. Well, if it ...
CAPTAIN. Oh, my word! Speak of the devil. [DITCHWATER SAL ARRIVES IN FERDIE’S OFFICE]
SAL. Oh, yeah? What were you saying, then?
CAPTAIN. Oh, what a wonderful woman you are, Sal. How the world wouldn't be the same place without you.
FERDIE. You look great. You've had your feet done, haven't you?
CAPTAIN. But, you two, you have business to attend to. Sal. Ferdie. Good day.
SCENE - THEY RETURN TO THE SKY SHIP. THE CREW SEE TRISTAN, WITH HIS NEW CLOTHES AND LONG HAIR, RELAXING ON DECK. THEY WANT TO ATTACK HIM
TRISTAN. Captain Shakespeare. [THE CREW START TO DRAW THEIR SWORDS]
CAPTAIN. Stand down! Meet my nephew, the fearsome buccaneer Tristan Thorn. He'll be joining us for our journey home. [TO TRISTAN] I have the perfect gift to keep you amused on the way. [HE SHOVES YVAINE TOWARDS TRISTAN. HE GROWLS. THE CREW ALL GROWL. THE MATE RAISES HIS EYEBROWS]
THE MATE. Right, you lazy dogs! Let's get young Tristan on his way home!
SCENE - THE CABIN OF THE SKY SHIP. THE CAPTAIN IS SERVING FINE FOOD AND WINE TO TRISTAN AND YVAINE
SCENE - THE DECK OF THE SKY SHIP. THE CAPTAIN IS GIVING TRISTAN A FENCING LESSON. TRISTAN IS NOT VERY GOOD
SCENE - THE CAPTAIN IS GIVING YVAINE A PIANO LESSON
SCENE - THE SKY SHIP IN A THUNDERSTORM. YVAINE AND TRISTAN ARE HELPING TO CATCH LIGHTNING.
SCENE - THE CAPTAIN IS TEACHING YVAINE TO DANCE
SCENE - ANOTHER FENCING LESSON. TRISTAN DISARMS THE CAPTAIN
CAPTAIN. Touché. I'm impressed.
SCENE - THE DECK OF THE SKY SHIP. IT’S NIGHT, AND THE CAPTAIN IS DANCING WITH YVAINE. SHE DANCES VERY BADLY
CAPTAIN. Yvaine, I know what you are. No, no. Have no fear. No one on this vessel will harm you, but there are plenty who would. Your emotions give you away, Yvaine. You must learn to control them. You've been glowing more brightly every day, and I think you know why.
YVAINE. Of course I know why I'm glowing. I'm a star. And what do stars do best?
CAPTAIN. Well, certainly not the waltz. [TRISTAN CUTS IN. YVAINE LAUGHS AND GLOWS HAPPILY]
SCENE - FERDIE’S OFFICE. LAMIA IS THERE. A COIN IS SPINNING SLOWLY IN THE AIR IN FRONT OF FERDIE’S EYES
LAMIA. Due west, you say? And you're certain he had a girl with him?
FERDIE. Yeah.
LAMIA. You're sure? Absolutely sure? Sure you're not lying?
FERDIE. I'd cross my heart if I had one. [THE COIN FALLS INTO HIS LAP] Brilliant.
LAMIA. You'd better be telling the truth, you two-faced dog.
FERDIE. I can get you one of them, actually. Very good guard dogs. They can watch the back and the front door at the same time. I can get you anything you want.
LAMIA. What are the chances of getting a Babylon candle?
FERDIE. That one's slim. Although I did know a girl once, if you know what I mean ... I'm a ladies' man ... who had a sister... I think it was a woman ... oh, she was terrible, face like a bag of frogs ... ugly frogs ...
LAMIA. Enough. [SHE SILENCES HIM WITH A SPELL, SO HE CAN ONLY MAKE PARROT NOISES]
SCENE - THE SKY SHIP IS OVER A LAKE
THE MATE. Hold on tight! The Captain's at the helm! [THE SKY SHIP MAKES A VERY BAD LANDING ON THE LAKE]
TRISTAN. How can we ever thank you enough for your kindness?
CAPTAIN. Don't mention it. No, seriously, don't mention it. Reputations, you know. A lifetime to build, seconds to destroy. Oh, and Tristan ... [HE WHISPERS SOMETHING TO TRISTAN] ... Just think about it. Well, give my regards to England. It's been a pleasure to meet you both. [HE SOUNDS VERY SOFT. THE CREW START TO MUTTER AND THE MATE COUGHS TO REMIND HIM TO TALK LIKE A PIRATE] Mind you don't wear that wench out, Captain Tristan! [THE CREW ALL GROWL APPROVINGLY]
SCENE - TRISTAN AND YVAINE ARE WALKING AWAY FROM THE SKY SHIP
YVAINE. What did he say to you?
TRISTAN. What did he say when?
YVAINE. Just then. When he whispered to you.
TRISTAN. No... No, he... He was just saying we should use the lightning to get you a Babylon candle. Barter for it, you know.
SCENE - FERDIE’S OFFICE. SEPTIMUS AND HIS MEN ARE THERE. FERDIE CAN STILL ONLY MAKE PARROT NOISES
SEPTIMUS. For the last time, where is the girl?
FERDIE [PARROT NOISES]
SEPTIMUS. The girl with the stone! Where did she go?
FERDIE [PARROT NOISES]
SEPTIMUS. Are you mocking me?
FERDIE No ...[PARROT NOISES]
SEPTIMUS. Because if you are, believe me, you have seconds to live!
FERDIE [PARROT NOISES. SEPTIMUS STABS HIM TO DEATH]
SEPTIMUS. What a freak. [HE GIVES HIS BLOODY DAGGER TO ONE OF HIS MEN. Clean this. Thoroughly.
SCENE - LAMIA IS INSIDE THE COACH, TRYING TO IMPROVE HER APPEARANCE BY MAGIC, BUT IT MAKES HER LOOK WORSE
MORMO. If you have quite finished squandering your magic on your rather counterproductive beauty routine, you might like to know that the star has returned.
EMPUSA. She's back on land.
LAMIA. I know, damn it. I couldn't reach the lake in time.
MORMO. No matter. We have found her. She is on the road to the village of Wall. If you take the shortcut across the marshes, you should arrive in time to intercept her.
SCENE - A MOUNTAIN ROAD BY A LAKE. YVAINE AND TRISTAN ARE WALKING. TRISTAN SEES A WAGON COMING
TRISTAN. Yvaine! [HE PUSHES HER INTO THE HEDGE AND LANDS ON TOP OF HER]
YVAINE. Are you trying to break my leg again?
TRISTAN. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I just ... I can't risk people seeing you. I don't trust anyone.
YVAINE. But at this rate, if we keep stopping...
TRISTAN. Yvaine. We're making good time. Just leave it a minute. [HE IS STILL LYING ON TOP OF HER. SHE STARTS TO GLOW]
YVAINE. Aren't you tempted?
TRISTAN. Tempted? By what?
YVAINE. Immortality. Let's say it wasn't my heart. Not me. Just a star you didn't know.
TRISTAN. You seriously think I could kill anyone? [SHE LAUGHS AND GLOWS BRIGHTER] I mean, even if I could ... Everlasting life? I imagine it would be kind of lonely. Well, maybe if you had someone to share it with. Someone you love. Maybe then it might be different. [SHE STOPS GLOWING]. Come on, I think we're safe.
SCENE - THE SKY SHIP IS STILL ON THE LAKE, NEXT TO THE LAND. SEPTIMUS AND HIS MEN APPROACH
SEPTIMUS. Now remember, Captain Shakespeare has a fearsome reputation.
SCENE - ON THE DECK OF THE SKY SHIP. SEPTIMUS ARRIVES. HIS MEN ARE HOLDING THE PIRATE CREW AT SWORD-POINT. HE GOES INTO THE CABIN, WHERE HE HEARS MUSIC AND SEES THE CAPTAIN DANCING, WEARING WOMEN’S CLOTHING AND LOOKING AT HIMSELF IN A MIRROR.
SEPTIMUS. What the hell is this?
CAPTAIN. What are you doing here?
SEPTIMUS. My name is Prince Septimus. And you're going to tell me where I can find the girl.
SCENE - OUT ON DECK, THE PIRATES ARE FIGHTING SEPTIMUS’S MEN
SCENE - IN THE CABIN, SEPTIMUS HAS THE CAPTAIN LYING ON HIS BACK WITH A DAGGER AT HIS THROAT
SEPTIMUS. All right, twinkletoes. I'm going to count to three. One, two... [THE ENTIRE PIRATE CREW COMES INTO THE CABIN. SEPTIMUS DIVES OUT THROUGH THE WINDOW, INTO THE LAKE
SCENE - A MOUNTAIN ROAD. TRISTAN AND YVAINE ARE WALKING
TRISTAN. You know, you sort of glitter sometimes. I just noticed it. Is it normal?
YVAINE. Let's see if you can work it out for yourself. What do stars do?
TRISTAN. Attract trouble? [SHE PUSHES HIM OFF THE ROAD] I'm sorry. Wait, I'm sorry. All right, let me ... let me ... do I get another guess? Is it... Do they know exactly how to annoy a boy called Tristan Thorn? [THEY SEE A MILESTONE, WHICH SAYS “THE WALL - 60 MILES”.
YVAINE. How long will that take?
TRISTAN. Maybe two days.
YVAINE. But we don't have two days. Victoria's birthday is tomorrow.
TRISTAN. Yes, it is. Well remembered. [HE LOOKS AS IF HE HAD FORGOTTEN]
SCENE - THE CAPTAIN’S CABIN. THE CAPTAIN IS SITTING AT A TABLE WITH ALL THE CREW WATCHING HIM. THE MATE GIVES HIM A CUP OF TEA
CAPTAIN. Get out, everybody. Get out.
THE MATE. Did he hurt you, Captain? Did you tell him where your nephew and the girl went? [THE CAPTAIN SHAKES HIS HEAD] So what's the problem?
CAPTAIN. It's my reputation.
THE MATE. No. No, no. Don't be silly. Nonsense.
CREWMAN It's all right, Cap’n. We always knew you were a whoopsie. [THE OTHER CREWMEN QUICKLY PULL HIM BEHIND THEM, OUT OF SIGHT]
THE MATE. You’ll always be our captain, Captain. [THE CAPTAIN LOOKS HAPPIER AND GROWLS LIKE A PIRATE. THE CREW GROWLS BACK. HE WAVES THEM AWAY]
THE MATE. Let’s go, let’s go.
SCENE - THE EDGE OF THE LAKE. BERNARD IS SITTING ON A WHITE HORSE. SEPTIMUS SWIMS TO THE EDGE OF THE WATER AND CLIMBS OUT.
BERNARD. Prince Septimus, your men, they're dead.
SEPTIMUS. Oh, really? [HE PULLS BERNARD OFF THE HORSE AND RIDES OFF ON IT] Go on!
SCENE - A BRIDGE ON THE MOUNTAIN ROAD. DITCHWATER SAL’S GYPSY CARAVAN IS COMING. TRISTAN AND YVAINE ARE HIDING UNDER THE BRIDGE.
YVAINE. I met that woman. She's friends with the Captain. He said she trades at the market near Wall. We could hitch a lift.
TRISTAN. Really? She's a friend of the Captain's? You sure?
YVAINE. Yes, yes.
TRISTAN. Wait! Sorry! My name is Tristan Thorn. This...
SAL [SHE SEES THE GLASS SNOWDROP]. That's my flower. Eighteen years I've been looking for that. Give it to me now! [THE EXOTIC BIRD ALSO LOOKS VERY INTERESTED]
SAL. Oh. Perhaps I was mistaken.
TRISTAN. It's all right. It's obviously very valuable to you, so you can have it in exchange for what I need. A Babylon candle?
YVAINE. And safe passage to the wall.
SAL [IGNORING YVAINE COMPLETELY]. A Babylon candle? Oh, no, no, no. I don't deal in black magic.
TRISTAN. Really? Well, can you give us a lift then? To the wall?
SAL. Well, why didn't you say so in the first place? For that flower, I can offer you passage. Food and lodging on the way?
TRISTAN. Safe passage.
SAL. I swear that you will arrive at the wall in the exact same condition that you're in now. [HE SHEATHES HIS SWORD AND GIVES HER THE FLOWER]
SAL. Do you have any idea what manner of thing it was that you had?
TRISTAN. Some kind of lucky charm?
SAL. A very lucky charm indeed. Protection. In fact, the exact same thing that would've prevented me from doing this. [SHE TOUCHES HIM ON THE FOREHEAD, AND HE TURNS INTO A DORMOUSE]
YVAINE. Oh, my God! What did you do? [YVAINE ATTACKS SAL BUT IS UNABLE TOUCH HER.
SAL. Much better ... [WE HEAR THE VOICE OF LAMIA: “You shall not see the star, touch it, smell or hear it.”]
SAL ... though I'll keep me word. You shall not be harmed. [SHE PUTS THE DORMOUSE INTO A CAGE WITH SOME FOOD] There. Food and lodging just as I promised.
YVAINE [STANDING BEHIND HER IN THE CARAVAN]. Would I be correct in thinking that you can neither see nor hear me? Then I'd like to tell you that you smell of pee. You look like the wrong end of a dog. And I swear, if I don't get my Tristan back as he was, I'll be your personal poltergeist!
SCENE - IN THE BACK OF THE CARAVAN. SAL HAS GONE. TRISTAN IS STILL A DORMOUSE IN A CAGE
YVAINE. Tristan? If you can understand me, look at me now. [HE LOOKS UP, BUT AT A CHEESE HANGING ON THE WALL. SHE GETS HIM A SMALL PIECE OF CHEESE] You know when I said I knew little about love? Well, that wasn't true. I know a lot about love. I've seen it. I've seen centuries and centuries of it. And it was the only thing that made watching your world bearable. All those wars. Pain and lies. Hate. Made me want to turn away and never look down again. But to see the way that mankind loves. I mean, you could search the furthest reaches of the universe and never find anything more beautiful. So, yes, I know that love is unconditional ... But I also know it can be unpredictable ... unexpected ... uncontrollable ... unbearable and, well, strangely easy to mistake for loathing. And what I'm trying to say, Tristan, is I think I love you. My heart, it feels like my chest can barely contain it. Like it doesn't belong to me anymore. It belongs to you. And if you wanted it, I'd wish for nothing in exchange. No gifts, no goods, no demonstrations of devotion. Nothing but knowing you love me, too. Just your heart in exchange for mine.
SCENE - THE CARAVAN IS IN THE WALL MARKETPLACE. TRISTAN IS STILL A MOUSE. SAL TALKS TO HIM WHILE YVAINE WATCHES
SAL. The wall is one mile that way. There. Though the walk might take you a little longer than normal. Transformation tends to leave the brain a bit scrambled for a while. [SHE TURNS TRISTAN BACK INTO A MAN]
TRISTAN. You... [HE TRIES TO DRAW HIS SWORD BUT FALLS OVER]
YVAINE. Oh!
YVAINE. I've been so worried about you.
TRISTAN [HE HAS A SILLY SMILE ON HIS FACE]. Victoria.
YVAINE. I think I preferred "Mother." Come on. There's an inn over there. Victoria's birthday's not till tomorrow. I think you need a bath and a good night's sleep before you present me to her. Come on. Come. Come on, Tristan. It's not that far.
SCENE - TRISTAN IS FACE DOWN ON A BED AT THE INN. YVAINE IS TAKING A BATH THE OTHER SIDE OF A SCREEN
TRISTAN. [LOOKING THROUGH THE SCREEN] Excuse me?
YVAINE. Oh!
TRISTAN. I think you're in my bath.
YVAINE. Well, close your eyes!
TRISTAN. I'm not... Honestly, I'm not looking. Here, I'll turn away.
YVAINE [WEARING A TOWEL]. All right, you can open them now.
TRISTAN. Did you really mean what you said in the caravan?
YVAINE. What I ... but ... but you were a mouse! You were a mouse! You wanted cheese! You didn't ... I asked you to give me a sign.
TRISTAN. And risk you being too embarrassed to keep saying such lovely things? [HE KISSES HER ON THE FOREHEAD] You want to know what the Captain really whispered to me that day? [SHE NODS] He told me that my true love was right in front of my eyes. And he was right. [THEY KISS]
SCENE - OUTSIDE THE INN. TERTIUS’S GHOST’S HEAD APPEARS THROUGH THE BEDROOM WALL
TERTIUS. Hey, guys! Guys, come on! Come on, you got to come up and see this!
GHOST. No, thank you.
GHOST. Pervert!
TERTIUS. Suit yourself.
GHOST. Ironic, isn't it?
GHOST. Yeah. What is?
GHOST. Septimus will be here by the morning, find the girl, get the stone and be king forever.
SECUNDUS. So unjust. Still, at least we will be free.
SCENE - THE WITCHES’ MANSION
MORMO. You're very close. She's in the market town. One mile from the gap in the wall.
LAMIA. You speak as if this is good news. Do I need to remind you that Wall is not part of our universe? If she crosses the threshold into the human realm, our star becomes nothing more than a pitted lump of metallic rock.
EMPUSA. Then I suggest you hurry up!
SCENE - THE BEDROOM AT THE INN. TRISTAN WAKES UP NEXT TO YVAINE. WITH HIS KNIFE, HE CUTS A SMALL PIECE FROM HER HAIR AND WRAPS IT IN A HANDKERCHIEF. THEN HE GOES DOWNSTAIRS AND WAKES THE INNKEEPER
INNKEEPER What? Oh, what do you want?
TRISTAN. Sorry. Can I have a piece of paper and a pen?
INNKEEPER Ask me again at a more reasonable hour.
TRISTAN. No, I can't. I have to go. Look, if my friend wakes up before I get back, please, can you give her a message?
INNKEEPER Go on.
SCENE - TRISTAN WALKING AWAY FROM THE INN
SCENE - BACK IN THE INN BEDROOM
YVAINE. You know, that's the first time I've ever slept at night. I can't believe it. Tristan?
SCENE - THE ENTRANCE HALL OF THE INN
YVAINE. Have you seen my friend?
INNKEEPER He left absurdly early.
YVAINE. He left?
INNKEEPER He told me to tell you he's gone to see Victoria because he's sorry, but he's found his true love and he wants to spend the rest of his life with her.
YVAINE. What? Are you sure?
INNKEEPER I'm positive.
SCENE - YVAINE WALKING AWAY FROM THE INN, LOOKING STUNNED. THE GIRL FROM SAL’S GYPSY WAGON SEES HER
GIRL. Hey! Hey, wait! Wait!
SCENE - VICTORIA’S HOUSE. TRISTAN THINKS OF THROWING A STONE AT HER WINDOW BUT KNOCKS ON THE DOOR. SHE OPENS IT
TRISTAN. Happy birthday.
VICTORIA. Tristan. What happened to you?
TRISTAN. I found the star.
VICTORIA. I can't believe you did it. Where's my star? Can I see it? Is it beautiful?
TRISTAN. Yes.
VICTORIA. Well, it's awfully small.
TRISTAN. Well, that's just a little piece. A token for your birthday.
TRISTAN. Yeah. I do. You want to grow up and get over yourself. [HE DROPS HER THE SHORT DISTANCE TO THE GROUND. HUMPHREY APPEARS ROUND THE CORNER]
TRISTAN. Humphrey.
HUMPHREY. Thorn. You must have a death wish. [HE DRAWS HIS SWORD-STICK, BUT TRISTAN DRAWS A SWORD AND OBVIOUSLY KNOWS HOW TO USE IT]
TRISTAN. Humphrey. Humphrey, it's all right. She's all yours. You really are a perfect couple. The best of luck to you both.
VICTORIA [SHE UNWRAPS THE HANDKERCHIEF]. Well, why would I want this? It's just a measly handful of stardust! [TRISTAN TAKES THE HANDKERCHIEF AND FINDS ONLY DUST INSIDE]
TRISTAN. Yvaine?! She can't cross the wall!! [HE TURNS AWAY AND RUNS AS FAST AS HE CAN]
SCENE - SAL’S GIRL LOCKS HER IN THE BACK OF THE CARAVAN AND WHIPS UP THE HORSE.
GIRL. Go on!
SCENE - IN DIFFERENT PLACES, TRISTAN, THE CARAVAN GIRL, SEPTIMUS AND LAMIA ARE ALL CONVERGING ON THE GAP IN THE WALL
GIRL [TO YVAINE]. Stop! Stop! If you go through there, you’ll die!
YVAINE. What? If you set foot on human soil, you’ll turn to rock. [SAL BLOWS THE DOOR OFF THE CARAVAN AND COMES OUT]
SAL. Wretched slattern! Where have you taken me?
LAMIA. Planning to enter Wall, were you? If death is what you wish, my dear, I'll be more than happy to assist you.
SAL. Are you talking to me?
LAMIA. You. Small world. Anyhow, no, I wasn't. I was talking to the star.
SAL. What star? My slave girl's no star. Any fool can see that. If she was, I'd have had the heart out of her chest a long time ago, trust me.
LAMIA. Trust you? Not a mistake I'd be likely to make again. What's it to be, Ditchwater Sal? Heads or tails?
GIRL. Oh, God. Time to go.
LAMIA. She's not going anywhere.
GIRL. I think you’ll find she is.
GIRL. It's all right. You can come, too. You can ride in the carriage or be dragged behind it. Your choice.
SCENE - A FEW MINUTES LATER. LAMIA, YVAINE AND THE GIRL HAVE GONE. TRISTAN ARRIVES AT THE GAP IN THE WALL
TRISTAN. What happened?
GUARD. Be my guest. I quit. Eighty years I've stopped you people going out. What I should have been worrying about was those people from the other side coming in.
TRISTAN. All right, just tell me what happened!
GUARD. What happened? Oh, where to start? [HE TELLS TRISTAN WHAT HAPPENED]
TRISTAN. No! [HE LOOKS IN THE CARAVAN, AND FINDS THE GLASS FLOWER]
SCENE - THE WITCHES’ MANSION. LAMIA ARRIVES WITH YVAINE AND THE GIRL
EMPUSA. The star!
MORMO. And who else?
LAMIA. A slave for us. It will be nice to have someone to help mop up when we've finished with our little guest.
MORMO. Oh, good work, sister.
EMPUSA. And just in time, I see! You look awful!
SCENE - THE WITCHES ARE TYING YVAINE TO A SACRIFICIAL TABLE. JUST OUTSIDE THE WINDOW OF THE WITCHES’ MANSION. TRISTAN IS LOOKING IN WHEN HE FEELS A DAGGER AT HIS THROAT
SEPTIMUS. Who are you? What business do you have here?
TRISTAN. Septimus? I knew your brother, Primus.
SEPTIMUS. Unless you wish to meet him in the afterlife, I suggest you answer my question. What are you doing here?
TRISTAN. I might ask you the same thing. [THEY LOOK DOWN AND SEE TRISTAN’S KNIFE AT SEPTIMUS’S STOMACH]
SEPTIMUS. Ah. [HE TAKES AWAY HIS DAGGER] There are four of them. Do as I say and we may stand a chance.
TRISTAN. Wait. How do I know you can be trusted?
SEPTIMUS. You don't. Why? Do you have a choice?
TRISTAN. No.
SEPTIMUS. Well, then, let's go. [THEY RUSH IN THROUGH THE DOOR. SEPTIMUS SEIZES THE FIRST OF THE FOUR WOMEN. IT'S THE CARAVAN GIRL]
YVAINE. Get off me! Get off!
SEPTIMUS [HE IS ABOUT TO KILL THE CARAVAN GIRL WHEN HE RECOGNISES HER AS HIS SISTER, THE PRINCESS UNA]. Una?
UNA. Septimus.
SEPTIMUS. Una!
GHOSTS. Sister! [SEPTIMUS FIGHTS WITH EMPUSA, WHO SETS HIM ON FIRE]
UNA [TRISTAN IS ABOUT TO KILL HER]. Tristan! No! Tristan! I'm your ... I'm your ... I'm your mother. I'm your mother. [SEPTIMUS KILLS EMPUSA]
GHOSTS. Rather well done. Good riddance to you. Yes. [SEPTIMUS WALKS TOWARDS LAMIA. SHE TAKES A CLAY DOLL AND BREAKS ITS ARM. SEPTIMUS’S ARM BREAKS]
LAMIA. Let's put out those flames, shall we? [SHE DROPS THE CLAY DOLL INTO A TROUGH OF WATER. SEPTIMUS RISES INTO THE AIR AS IF UNDERWATER. HE DIES. HIS GHOST JOINS THE OTHERS, WATCHING THE LIVING]
GHOST. So, what happens now?
SECUNDUS. We have to learn to live with each other.
GHOST. Forever?
GHOSTS. Euuuh ...
LAMIA [TO MORMO]. Let's get on with it.
UNA [TO TRISTAN]. Be the man that I know you are.
TRISTAN [TO UNA]. Get outside.
UNA. Okay.
TRISTAN. Go!
YVAINE. Tristan! [SHE STARTS TO GLOW SLIGHTLY]
LAMIA. Get him. [MORMO ATTACKS TRISTAN, BUT HE FREES THE SACRIFICIAL FERRETS AND WOLVES, WHICH ATTACK AND KILL HER. HE WALKS TOWARDS LAMIA, WHO COMES TO MEET HIM]
LAMIA. So, what's it to be, Prince Charming? Frog or tadpole?
SHE BLASTS HIM WITH MAGIC, BUT THE GLASS FLOWER PROTECTS HIM. HE BLASTS HER WITH LIGHTNING FROM THE LEATHER TUBE GIVEN TO HIM BY CAPTAIN SHAKESPEARE, BUT LAMIA TAKES THE CLAY DOLL AND REANIMATES THE DEAD BODY OF SEPTIMUS
TRISTAN. Septimus?
SEPTIMUS’S BODY DOESN’T ANSWER, AND HIS GHOST MAKES A “NOT ME!” GESTURE. TRISTAN FIGHTS SEPTIMUS’S BODY, UNTIL EVENTUALLY HE DROPS A CHANDELIER ONTO IT, KNOCKS LAMIA OVER AND STARTS TO UNTIE YVAINE
YVAINE. Tristan! [LAMIA ATTACKS TRISTAN, DISARMS HIM - BUT CUTS THE STRAP HOLDING YVAINE (WHO IS NOT GLOWING)]
LAMIA. Youth. Beauty. It all seems meaningless now. My sisters are dead! Everything I cared about ... gone. Go. Go! [THEY START TO LEAVE BUT LAMIA, LAUGHING, MAGICALLY SLAMS THE DOOR AND WINDOWS]
LAMIA. I owe you thanks, boy. What use was her heart to me when it was broken? And you got rid of my sisters, and now I can have it all for myself. [SHE STARTS TO WALK TOWARDS THEM WITH HER OBSIDIAN CHOPPER]
YVAINE. Hold me tight and close your eyes.
TRISTAN. What? Why?
YVAINE. What do stars do? Shine. [SHE SHINES BRIGHTER AND BRIGHTER UNTIL LAMIA IS BURNT UP, LEAVING ONLY THE MARBLE STAIRS, CRACKED AND SMOKING]
TRISTAN. Why didn't you do that earlier?
YVAINE. I couldn't have done that without you. No star can shine with a broken heart. I thought I'd lost you. But you came back.
TRISTAN. Of course I did. I love you. [THEY KISS]
TRISTAN. Come on. [YVAINE GOES TO HUG UNA. TRISTAN GOES BACK AND PICKS UP THE POWER OF STORMHOLD. THE RUBY IS TRANSPARENT, BUT WHEN HE TOUCHES IT, IT TURNS RED. THE GHOSTS LOOK ASTONISHED]
UNA. Tristan. The last surviving male heir of the Stormhold bloodline. It's you, Tristan.
SEPTIMUS. But if he's the new King of Stormhold, then... [THE GHOSTS DISAPPEAR ONE BY ONE]
SCENE - THE GREAT ARENA IN STORMHOLD. IT’S TRISTAN’S CORONATION, WITH YVAINE BESIDE HIM. PRINCESS UNA IS THERE WITH DUNSTAN. VICTORIA IS IN THE AUDIENCE WITH HUMPHREY, LOOKING BITTER. THE WALL VILLAGERS, THE SKY PIRATES AND OTHER PEOPLE FROM TRISTAN’S JOURNEY ARE ALSO THERE.
BISHOP. I crown thee King Tristan of Stormhold.
UNA. My gift to you. [SHE GIVES YVAINE A BABYLON CANDLE] To you both.
NARRATOR. They ruled for 80 years, but no man can live forever, except he who possesses the heart of a star, and Yvaine had given hers to Tristan completely. When their children and grandchildren were grown, it was time to light the Babylon candle. [TWO STARS APPEAR IN THE SKY] And they still live happily ever after.