Transcript #3: A Fish Called Wanda
Part 2 of 2
Continued from Part 1
WENDY. It's lovely. Thank you. It's even got a "W" for Wendy.
ARCHIE. Oh, I'm so glad you like it, darling.
WENDY. It's the most beautiful thing you've ever given me. Oh, Archie, this isn't like you.
SCENE - OUTSIDE THE HOUSE
WANDA. Are you f***ing crazy?
OTTO. Hey, I saved your ass.
WANDA. I had him right where I wanted him, you asshole! I give you one f***ing thing to do, Otto. You're supposed to drive me here. Shut up!
OTTO. Oh, relax.
SCENE - ARCHIE’S HOUSE NEXT MORNING AT BREAKFAST
PORTIA. Hello? Hold on. It's for you.
ARCHIE. Hello? Not at the moment, no. Yes, well I'm not quite sure when I'll be able to get hold of that. Yes, I do appreciate that. Yes, as soon as possible. Well, that would be very nice, obviously. So, see you soon, I hope? Bye, Frank.
SCENE - A SMALL VAN OUTSIDE THE OLD LADY’S HOUSE. KEN IS INSIDE WITH A VERY EXCITED DOBERMANN PINSCHER. THE DOG HAS A MUZZLE TO PREVENT IT BITING. THE OLD LADY COMES OUT OF THE HOUSE
KEN. Easy, Maggie. Calm down. Easy, girl. Easy. Come here. Smell, Maggie, smell. Now. Kill! [HE TAKES OFF THE DOG’S MUZZLE]
SCENE - A FUNERAL AT A PET CEMETERY.
We therefore commit its body to the ground. Earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust, in sure and certain hope of the resurrection to eternal life.
SCENE - GEORGE’S FLAT. KEN HAS SEVERAL INJURIES AND IS WEARING A BLACK ARMBAND
OTTO. Hello, honey. What happened?
KEN. Nothing.
OTTO. What's that? Not Granny?
KEN. Not yet.
OTTO. Who's it for, then?
KEN. A f ...f ...f ...
OTTO. A fish. A Frenchman. A phone operator.
KEN. Friend.
OTTO. A four-legged one? Where's my sister?
KEN. She's in the ...
OTTO. Thank you.
KEN. Lavatory.
OTTO. Wanda!
WANDA. Anything?
OTTO. What? No.
WANDA. Why are you here?
OTTO. I'm here because I'm bored. Bored wandering around this Godawful city, shoving George's ugly pic- ... talking to a lot of snotty, stuck-up, intellectually inferior British faggots. Jesus, they're uptight. They get rigor mortis in the prime of life in this country. Standing there with their hair clenched. Counting the seconds to the weekends so they can all dress up like ballerinas and whip themselves into a frenzy [HE FINDS A NOTE] “at the flat at 4. 2B, St ..." ...to be ... honest ... I hate them. I mean, pretending they're so f***ing lawyer ... so f***ing superior ... with those phoney accents. Not you, Ken. You've got a beautiful speaking voice. When it works. Son of a bitch!
OTTO. So, wanna have some lunch?
WANDA. Have you heard from him?
WANDA. Who?
OTTO. Archie.
WANDA. No, I have to finish my hair!
OTTO. Nothing? I'm out of here! No plans to see him?
WANDA. Okay. Bye, bro!
OTTO. Bye, Wanda! Oh, sorry.
SCENE - ARCHIE’S HOUSE. HE IS HAVING A ROW WITH WENDY.
WENDY. What?
ARCHIE. Well, it wasn't theirs to sell, you see. An old lady gave it to them to engrave. She's about 80 and dying. It's of great sentimental value. Somebody put it in the display cabinet.
WENDY. That's their problem.
ARCHIE. Well, not really, darling, because legally ...
WENDY. You paid for it.
ARCHIE. They do accept their mistake. They're offering you this to replace it. It's three times as valuable.
WENDY. This is the nicest thing you've ever given me, which I absolutely love. Now you want me to give it back and replace it with something vulgar.
ARCHIE. No, I don't want you to give it back.
WENDY. Well, they can't have it. Tell them they can't have it. You're the bloody barrister!
SCENE - A SMART APARTMENT BY THE THAMES
WANDA. Oh, Archie, it's beautiful. It's just beautiful. Oh, my God! Look! Oh, Archie, it's beautiful.
ARCHIE. Isn't it wonderful?
WANDA. Whose is it?
ARCHIE. Belongs to someone at the chambers.
WANDA. And where are they?
ARCHIE. Hong Kong. Gone for weeks.
WANDA. Nice rug, Archie.
ARCHIE. May I? [HE GRABS HER AND THEY DANCE]
WANDA. What are you doing?
ARCHIE. The polka, I think. You make me feel free.
WANDA. Free?
ARCHIE. Do you have any idea what it's like being English? Being so correct all the time? Being so stifled by this dread of doing the wrong thing? Of saying to someone, "Are you married?" and hearing, "My wife left me this morning"? Or saying, "Do you have children?" and being told they all burned to death on Wednesday. You see, Wanda, we're all terrified of embarrassment. That's why we're so ... dead. Most of my friends are dead. You know, we have these piles of corpses to dinner. But you're alive, God bless you, and I want to be. I'm so fed up with all this. I want to make love with you, Wanda. I'm a good lover. At least, I used to be, back in the early 14th century. Can we go to bed?
WANDA. Yeah.
ARCHIE. Hang on. Mind your head. [HE CARRIES HER UPSTAIRS AND THROWS HER ONTO THE BED] Oh, I think I love you.
WANDA. Oh, Archie. Can I ask you a question?
ARCHIE. Anything.
WANDA. Where's my locket?
ARCHIE. I couldn't get it.
WANDA. What?
ARCHIE. Wendy wouldn't give it back. Look, I got you this instead. Like it?
WANDA. No, Archie. I have to have mine.
ARCHIE. What’s the matter ... why?
WANDA. My mother gave it to me on her deathbed.
ARCHIE. I'm sorry. All right, darling. I'll get it for you.
WANDA. You promise?
ARCHIE. I'll think of something.
WANDA. Sex is very, very difficult for me with somebody that I don't trust completely.
ARCHIE. I promise I'll get it, okay?
WANDA. I love you, Archie! I've loved you ever since the first second I saw you.
ARCHIE. What was that?
WANDA. What?
ARCHIE. Your brother didn't bring you here this time, did he?
WANDA. No.
ARCHIE. He has no idea?
WANDA. He doesn't have a clue.
ARCHIE. What?
WANDA. He is so dumb.
ARCHIE. Really?
WANDA. He thought that the Gettysburg Address was where Lincoln lived.
ARCHIE. All those terrible lies he told about the CIA. So painful.
WANDA. And when he heard your daughter's name was Portia he said, "Why did they name her after a car?"
ARCHIE. I love the way you laugh. I love you, you're funny. How come a girl as bright as you could have a brother who's so ...
OTTO. Don't call me stupid.
ARCHIE. Jesus Christ!
OTTO. Come on! [HE THROWS WANDA INTO A CUPBOARD AND LOCKS THE DOOR]
OTTO. Come on! I'll deal with you later.
ARCHIE. What have you done with her?
OTTO. She's all right. Now, apologize.
ARCHIE. What?
OTTO. Apologize.
WANDA. Oh, sh**!
ARCHIE. Are you totally deranged?
OTTO. You pompous, stuck-up, snot-nosed, English, giant, twerp, scumbag, f***-face, dick-head, asshole!
ARCHIE. How very interesting. You're a true vulgarian, aren't you?
OTTO. You're the vulgarian, you f***! Now, apologize!
ARCHIE. What, me to you?
OTTO. Apologize.
SCENE - A FEW MINUTES LATER, OUTSIDE THE FLAT
ARCHIE. All right, All right, I apologize.
OTTO. You're really sorry?
ARCHIE. I'm really, really sorry. I apologize unreservedly.
OTTO. You take it back?
ARCHIE. I do. I offer a complete and utter retraction. The imputation was totally without basis in fact, and was in no way fair comment and was motivated purely by malice, and I deeply regret any distress that my comments may have caused you or your family. And I hereby undertake not to repeat any such slander at any time in the future.
OTTO. Okay.
SCENE - A RIVERSIDE PATH IN LONDON
OTTO. You said you loved him!
WANDA. That's right! Now, here's a multiple choice question for you.
a) Wanda was lying.
b) Wanda was telling the truth.
Which one are you gonna pick?
OTTO. What was the first one? You told me you were not planning to see him.
WANDA. Because I knew you'd come along and f*** it up! I was dealing with something delicate, Otto. I'm setting up a guy who's incredibly important to us, who's going to tell me where the loot is, and if they're gonna come and arrest you, and you come loping in like Rambo without a jockstrap and dangle him out a fifth-floor window. Now, was that smart?
OTTO. Okay.
WANDA. Was it shrewd? Was it good tactics or was it stupid?
OTTO. Don't call me stupid.
WANDA. Oh, right! To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people! I've known sheep that could outwit you. I've worn dresses with higher IQs. But you think you're an intellectual, don't you, ape?
OTTO. Apes don't read philosophy.
OTTO. Apologize.
WANDA. Pardon me? What?
OTTO. Apologize!
WANDA. Right!
OTTO. I'm sorry.
WANDA. No. Not to me, to Archie. And make it good or we're dead.
SCENE - IN OTTO’S CAR AS HE DRIVES TO ARCHIE’S HOUSE
OTTO. I'm so very, very ... f*** you!!! I'm very, very sss ... Very, very ... [HE ARRIVES AT THE HOUSE AND SITS DOWN TO WAIT. HE HEARS BREAKING GLASS AS ARCHIE BREAKS INTO THE REAR OF HIS OWN HOUSE, TO STEAL WANDA’S NECKLACE. OTTO PUTS A COAT OVER HIS HEAD AND HITS HIM]
OTTO. Hello, Mr Burglar. Going somewhere? Thought you could rob Mr Leach, eh? Well, I'm gonna teach you a lesson.
OTTO. He just happens to be a very good friend of mine ...
ARCHIE. Otto!
OTTO. ...and he's going to be ...
ARCHIE. Otto!
OTTO. ... very pleased with me when he finds you all tied up and ready for the police. And don't call me Otto. To you, I am Mr ... Oh, my God! I'm sorry. Please. I'm sorry. I didn't know it was you. How could I know it was you? I mean, how could you expect me to guess? You stupid jerk. What the f*** are you doing robbing your own house? You asshole! You stupid, stiff, pompous, English ... I'm sorry ... I’m sorry.
WENDY. God almighty! Bloody hell! Darling! Are you hurt? Speak to me. Are you hurt? Can't you speak?
ARCHIE. What has happened?
WENDY. Archie, we've been burgled.
ARCHIE. Oh, no!
WENDY. Well, are you hurt?
ARCHIE. No, I'm fine. Bit of a headache. I came in here. Somebody hit me, tied me up with a ... My God, is that the time?
WENDY. What?
ARCHIE. I didn't realize it was quite so late.
WENDY. What?
ARCHIE. I'm late for a conference.
WENDY. A conference? You've just been attacked!
ARCHIE. It's nothing. I must fly. Sorry. I'll help you tidy up when I get back. Hello, Portia.
PORTIA What's happened?
WENDY. Your father has finally gone completely mental.
SCENE - BACK AT THE RIVERSIDE APARTMENT. ARCHIE COMES IN WITH TWO BOTTLES OF CHAMPAGNE
WANDA. Hi. Archie! Thank you so much.
ARCHIE. Champagne?
WANDA. Okay. To us.
ARCHIE. Well, I went back to the house and guess who ...
WANDA. Let's make love.
ARCHIE. Well, if you absolutely insist.
WANDA. No.
ARCHIE. What?
WANDA. Here on the rug. I'll be right back. Get undressed.
ARCHIE. Why not? Why not indeed. [WANDA GOES UPSTAIRS]
ARCHIE. Afterwards ...
WANDA. Yeah?
ARCHIE. Let's go to South America.
WANDA. What?
ARCHIE. Let's fly to South America.
WANDA. Why South America?
ARCHIE. Okay, Iceland. What do you really want out of life?
WANDA. I don't know.
ARCHIE. Why do I like you so much?
WANDA. Do you speak Italian?
ARCHIE. I am Italian! Sono italiano in spirito. Ma ho sposato una donna che preferisce lavorare in giardino a fare l'amore appassionato. Uno sbaglio grande!
ARCHIE. But it's such an ugly language. How about Russian? Yest' sila blagodatnaya sozvuchiy slov zhivykh. Kamina tozhe ni trudnuyu tyesnitsya lyubosyat'sya grust'. Odnu molitvu chudnuyu tverzhdaya naizust'. V dushe kak bremya skatyatsya somneniya daleko. I varitsya i plachetsya, i tak legko...
WANDA. Are you rich?
ARCHIE. No, I'm afraid not.
WANDA. What about the house?
ARCHIE. That's Wendy's. She's the rich one.
WANDA. Oh.
ARCHIE. Yest' sila blagodatnaya sozvuchiy slov zhivykh. I tushit nyeponyatnaya, svetlaya, prelyestnaya rech'. Vdushe kak bremya skatyatsya somneniya daleko. I varitsya i plachetsya, i tak legko! [WHILE ARCHIE RECITES, NAKED, A FAMILY COMES IN THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR. THEY STARE AT HIM]
ARCHIE. I might ask you the same question.
IAN. Who are you?
ARCHIE. What?
IAN. Get your clothes on.
ARCHIE. Will you leave immediately, please?
IAN. What?
ARCHIE. You're in the wrong flat. This flat belongs to Patrick Balfour. He's in Hong Kong and he lent me the key. Now, get out!
IAN. But we leased it from the agents last weekend.
ARCHIE. Yes, well, obviously that changes things a bit.
HAZEL. Aren't you Archie Leach?
ARCHIE. What?
HAZEL. You bought our house in Lissenden Gardens. Hazel and Ian Johnson.
ARCHIE. What a coincidence! How nice to see you!
SCENE - ARCHIE IS IN HIS CAR OUTSIDE GEORGE’S FLAT. IT’S DARK. HE MAKES A PHONE CALL.
WANDA. Hello?
ARCHIE. Hello Wanda, it's Archie. Listen. I can't see you anymore. I've got to end it. I'm sorry.
WANDA. What?
ARCHIE. I'm sorry.
SCENE - ARCHIE ARRIVES BACK HOME. OTTO IS WAITING FOR HIM.
OTTO. Okay.
ARCHIE. Oh, no, no. Please.
OTTO. Look, I want to apologize.
ARCHIE. I just finished it, all right?
OTTO. Okay, just ... Wait. Where are you going?
ARCHIE. I just ended it, for Christ's sake! Will you leave me alone? I've just ended it, all right?
OTTO. Wait! I just want to say I'm sorry.
ARCHIE. It's all over! Jesus Christ! Someone help me!
OTTO. Will you calm down?
ARCHIE. Please, believe me. Don't beat me up again. I've had a terrible day.
OTTO. Will you shut up? [OTTO STICKS HIS GUN INTO ARCHIE’S FACE]
ARCHIE. Jesus Christ! Don't kill me, please.
OTTO. Shut up then. Okay. Look, I just wanna apologize sincerely for when I dangled you out the window. I'm really, really ... Well, it was not a nice thing to do. And then when I attacked you in there, well, I'm really ... [WENDY LOOKS OUT OF THE BEDROOM WINDOW, JUST ABOVE THEM] How could I know you were trying to rob your own house? I was just trying to help.
ARCHIE. Yes. Thanks.
OTTO. I wanted you to trust me.
ARCHIE. Please, it was my fault.
OTTO. That's true. Now, about my sister. She's a very sexy girl. I understand you wanting to play around with her. It's okay. I was wrong. I'm sorry I was jealous. Just go ahead. Pork away, pal. F*** her blue. I like you, Archie. I just wanna help.
SCENE - KEN IS IN THE BUILDING OPPOSITE THE OLD LADY’S HOUSE. HE HAS A SNIPER RIFLE. THE OLD LADY COMES OUT WITH HER LAST DOG.
KEN. Oh, God! I did it.
SCENE - THE VISITING ROOM AT THE PRISON
KEN. I did it! Lovely!
GEORGE. Unbe-f***ing-lieveable!
GUARD. Thomason!
GEORGE. You've done well, my son. Now, here's the plan. You get four tickets for this evening for Rio, first class. Then ...
GEORGE. Yeah, four. We get rid of Otto later. Then, back to the flat. Pack, collect me. Then to the Cathcart Towers Hotel to pick up the jewels. Unbe-f***ing-lievable!
GUARD. Oy! Oy!!
SCENE - GEORGE’S FLAT. KEN AND WANDA ARE CELEBRATING
KEN. He's safe!
WANDA. Oh, I'm going to be late for court!
KEN. Hello? Oh, hello, Otto. No, she just left. And Otto, you owe me a ...
SCENE - OTTO ARRIVES AT THE FLAT A FEW MINUTES LATER
OTTO. What?
KEN. You owe me a p ... p ... p ... pound.
OTTO. Not Granny?
KEN. Met with an accident.
OTTO. Bullsh**! You're lying! Dead?
KEN. Heart attack.
OTTO. I don't believe this.
KEN. So George'll be out this afternoon. We'll all go out to Heathrow, collect the loot, and then ... All thanks ... to me.
OTTO. So, the loot's at the airport, is it, Ken?
SCENE - A FEW MINUTES LATER. KEN IS NOW TIED TO A CHAIR. OTTO IS SITTING AT THE KITCHEN TABLE, EATING CHIPS.
KEN. What's happening?
OTTO. Well, Ken ... I'm going to ask you some questions while I eat my chips. First, who is the philosopher who developed the concept of the superman in Also sprach Zarathustra? No? That's a chip up the nose, I'm afraid. Friedrich Nietzsche. Next. In which book did Nietzsche claim that almost all higher culture is based on cruelty? Are you thinking, or are you in mid-stutter?
KEN. You're mad.
OTTO. Beyond Good and Evil. I guess I'll have to ask you an easy one, huh? Okay, um ... let me think. Where are the diamonds? I'll give you a clue. Somewhere around the airport.
KEN. I'm n ... n ...
KEN. You b ...
OTTO. Better eat the green one? Okay. What's this one's name? Well, not Wanda, anyway. I'm going to call her Lunch. Hello, Lunch. Euugh, avoid the green ones. They're not ripe yet.
SCENE - GEORGE’S TRIAL AT THE CENTRAL CRIMINAL COURT
ARCHIE. Now, you were in court, were you not, Inspector, when the forensic evidence was read?
POLICE OFFICER. Yes, sir.
ARCHIE. And the fact that Mr Thomason was installing windows the previous weekend would account, would it not, Inspector, for the presence of small particles of glass on his trousers? No hurry, Inspector. Please do take your time.
SCENE - BACK IN THE FLAT
OTTO. I'm almost full. Almost. [THERE IS ONLY ONE FISH LEFT IN THE AQUARIUM - IT’S “WANDA”]
KEN. Stop! Please, don't.
OTTO. Come on, Wanda. Gullet time. What are the names of those hotels that are right by the airport? What are they? The Airway Sheraton, The Post House, The Cathcart Towers ... the Cathcart Towers? Yes?
KEN. Yes.
OTTO. In a safe deposit box?
KEN. Yes.
OTTO. What? Where's the key?
KEN. It's in the tank.
OTTO. Where?
KEN. In the t ...
OTTO. Treasure chest! Where?
KEN. You m-m ... murdering ... I'll kill you!
OTTO. Sorry, Ken, but your answer was incorrect. Still, you really did think it was in there, didn't you? What? Oh. [HE TELEPHONES WANDA]
WANDA. Hello?
OTTO. I know where the diamonds are.
WANDA. Where?
OTTO. Where's the key?
WANDA. I've got it.
OTTO. How soon can you get to George's apartment?
SCENE - BACK AT GEORGE’S TRIAL
ARCHIE. You are Wanda Gerschwitz of Kipling Mansions, Murray Road, London, W9?
WANDA. Yes.
ARCHIE. Will you tell the court, please, how do you know the defendant?
WANDA. We've had a relationship for two years.
JUDGE. Relationship?
WANDA. We're lovers, my lord.
ARCHIE. Miss Gerschwitz, on the fourth of March of this year, in the morning, where were you?
WANDA. I was at the apartment at Murray Road.
ARCHIE. And were you by yourself or was there anyone else present?
WANDA. No, somebody else was there.
ARCHIE. Who was that?
WANDA. My brother.
ARCHIE. And did your ... Your brother?
WANDA. My brother.
ARCHIE. Yes ... and ... are you quite sure it was your brother?
JUDGE. Mr. Leach, I'm sure Miss Gerschwitz can recognize her brother. She's had a relationship with him all her life.
ARCHIE. Much obliged, my lord. Was there anyone else present that morning?
WANDA. Yes, George was there.
ARCHIE. Thank you.
WANDA. But he left about 5 to 7.00.
ARCHIE. Wanda ... I wonder ...
JUDGE. Yes, Mr. Leach?
ARCHIE. I Wendy ... I Wanda ... I wonder ... When you say 5 to 7.00, Miss Gerschwitz ... how can you be so sure?
WANDA. Well, I looked at the clock, 'cause I was saying to myself "Where could he be going at 5 to 7:00 with that sawed-off shotgun?"
ARCHIE. Darling!
JUDGE. Mr. Leach. "Darling"?
ARCHIE. Yes, dear?
GEORGE. You bitch! You f***ing bitch!
JUDGE. Restrain that man. Restrain this man.
GEORGE. Come here, you bastard!
JUDGE. Clear the court. I'm adjourning this matter for now. Take the prisoner below.
BARRISTER. Clear the court! Officers, arrest that man!
WENDY. Bloody hell! It's my husband. He's been hit.
ARCHIE. You made it. Good. Bit of a knock, I'm afraid.
WENDY. I have never been so humiliated in my life. You can stick this marriage right in your bottom. I'll see you in court.
ARCHIE. Yes. Well, that's it then.
SCENE - IN THE CELLS BENEATH THE COURT
GEORGE. What?
ARCHIE. We've got to talk.
GEORGE. You tell those pigs to f*** off!
ARCHIE. F*** off, pigs. Did you hear what I said? F***. Off. What's she up to, George?
GEORGE. What are you up to? You called her “darling” and “Wanda”. I've been helping her get her evidence straight. It slipped out.
GEORGE. You've been coaching her?
ARCHIE. What do you think? Look, we've got ten minutes. They're going to find you guilty, right? If you plead guilty now, tell them where the loot is, you may get away with eight years, out in five-and-a-half.
GEORGE. What if I tell them about Otto and Wanda?
ARCHIE. They both did it?
GEORGE. Yeah.
ARCHIE. Great. All right. Maybe six years, out in four. So where are the diamonds?
GEORGE. Where's Bartlett?
ARCHIE. He’s upstairs trying to calm things down. So, where are they?
GEORGE. Tell Bartlett Ken knows where they are.
ARCHIE. George, it'd be a lot quicker if you told me. Okay, I'll tell Bartlett. Where's Ken?
GEORGE. He's at the flat.
SCENE - THE COURT FOYER. ARCHIE SEES WANDA GOING INTO THE LADIES’ TOILETS.
WANDA. Thank you for all your help. I'll be right out. [ARCHIE RUNS OUTSIDE THE BUILDING AND SEES WANDA ESCAPING VIA THE WINDOW]. Taxi! Please! Sh**.
ARCHIE. Come on.
WANDA. What?
ARCHIE. Let's go.
WANDA. Where?
ARCHIE. Buenos Aires.
WANDA. What?
ARCHIE. We're going to George's flat first. [HE UNLOCKS HIS CAR] Get in. Got your passport?
WANDA. Yeah.
ARCHIE. Right. Check the briefcase for mine. Get your head down.
So you robbed the jewellers, turned one of your lovers over to the police, kept the other one on to help you find the diamonds, and when he does, you commit perjury in the High Court, right?
WANDA. Come on, Archie. Everybody does it in America.
ARCHIE. Well, not in this country, they don't!
WANDA. Oh, right. Like nobody lies in England. Like Margaret Thatcher never lied.
ARCHIE. Look, you lied to me right from the moment we met.
WANDA. You just wanted to get me into bed.
ARCHIE. I fell in love with you.
WANDA. How come you dumped me then?
ARCHIE. I wasn't rich enough, remember?
WANDA. Say something in Russian.
ARCHIE. No!
WANDA. What are you thinking?
ARCHIE. I'm just trying to think of one good reason why I should take you to South America with me.
WANDA. How about because I have the key to the safety deposit box.
ARCHIE. That's a good reason.
WANDA. What do we do about Otto?
ARCHIE. I'll handle Otto.
WANDA. Be careful. He's dangerous.
ARCHIE. So am I. Keep it running. [ARCHIE GETS OUT OF THE CAR AT GEORGE’S FLAT. A FEW SECONDS LATER, OTTO GETS INTO THE CAR AND DRIVES OFF WITH WANDA]
OTTO. Why did you bring him?
WANDA. Otto, just wait!
OTTO. I'm beginning to think you like that fruit.
WANDA. Just wait a minute! Wait a minute!
OTTO. Let's get the diamonds!
INSIDE GEORGE'S FLAT
ARCHIE. Ken? Are you Ken? How do you do? I'm George's barrister. What's happened? [THERE IS THE NOISE OF ANOTHER ROAD ACCIDENT OUTSIDE. ARCHIE LOOKS OUT OF THE WINDOW] Oh, my God!
OTTO. Asshole!
WANDA. Archie!
DRIVER. What the bloody hell do you think ... [OTTO SHOOTS THE OTHER DRIVER’S HAT OFF] oh, all right, then.
ARCHIE. Where have they gone? Quick. What? Are you all right? Where have they gone?
KEN. They've gone to ... to ... to ..
ARCHIE. What? Are you ill? Have you got a stutter?
KEN. Yeah. A bit.
ARCHIE. Okay, fine. Don't worry. Do you know where they've gone? Fine. Where?
ARCHIE. Hotel? Which hotel?
KEN. The Ca ... the Ca ... the Ca ...
ARCHIE. Go on. It's okay. All right. Wait. Slowly. Very slowly.
KEN. The Ca ... the Ca ... the Ca ...
ARCHIE. No hurry. Sing it. Plenty of time. Oh, come on!! I'm sorry. Wait. Here, write it. Cathcart Towers Hotel?
KEN. Cathcart Towers Hotel.
ARCHIE. Where is it? Ken, where is it? Where?
KEN. Hee ... Hee ... Hee ...
ARCHIE. Heathrow.
SCENE - HEATHROW AIRPORT. OTTO AND WANDA ARRIVE INARCHIE’S CAR
ATTENDANT. Hey! What's the idea? You can't stay there.
OTTO. You can have it. Take it. It's yours. [THEY GO TO THE CHECK-IN DESK]
OTTO. Thank you so much. British Airways to Rio?
CHECK-IN. Rio. Terminal four, sir. [KEN AND ARCHIE. ARRIVE TOO]
POLICE. Excuse me, sir, is this your vehicle?
ARCHIE. I'll be with you in a moment. I'll be right back.
CHECK-IN. Aisle or window? Smoking or non-smoking?
OTTO. What was the middle one?
WANDA. Anything in non-smoking is fine.
TANNOY. Gate 14 is boarding now.
ARCHIE. Rio!
WANDA. [TO OTTO] Don't look back. There's a cop right behind us. [SHE LEADS OTTO INTO A DOORWAY AND HITS HIM ON THE HEAD]
CHECK-IN. Yes, we can just do it, Mr. Leach.
ARCHIE. Great.
CHECK-IN. Luggage?
ARCHIE. Don't really need any.
CHECK-IN. Gate 14.
ARCHIE. Thank you.
WANDA. [TO THE UNCONSCIOUS OTTO] Ciao, stupidissimo.
WANDA. Come on, Archie. Pick up the phone.
OTTO. [TO STRANGER] Wait, sir. Airport Security. May I see your boarding pass, please?
STRANGER. Oh, yes, certainly.
OTTO. Very good. Now, would you mind stepping over here please? Oh, look, the Queen.
STRANGER. Where? [OTTO HITS HIM ON THE HEAD, THEN PUTS HIS GUN DOWN FOR A MOMENT. ARCHIE PICKS IT UP AND STICKS IT IN OTTO’S BACK]
OTTO. Okay. Don't get excited. Oh, it's you. I was actually worried there for a minute.
ARCHIE. Keep your hands up.
OTTO. No!
ARCHIE. Put 'em up!
OTTO. I'll make a deal with you. I'll put one up.
ARCHIE. Put the other one up!
OTTO. Which looks better?
ARCHIE. I'm warning you, Otto.
OTTO. What are you gonna do, shoot me? Gun me down in cold blood like a dog? Hey! If you wanna settle something with me, then why don't you fight me? You're a man, aren't you? Then let's fight like men. Come on!
ARCHIE. All right.
OTTO. All right then.
ARCHIE. Okay. [HE PUTS DOWN THE GUN]
OTTO. You look good, Arch.
ARCHIE. That's right. I used to box for Oxford.
OTTO. Oh, yeah? [HE PICKS UP THE GUN] I used to kill for the CIA. Now, get your hands up. You spineless bimbo. Now, out. [HE TAKES ARCHIE OUT ONTO A CONSTRUCTION SITE IN THE AIRPORT] I'm gonna have to shoot you now, Archie. But I've got a little time before my plane leaves, and I'm longing to humiliate you. So get in that barrel.
ARCHIE. What?
OTTO. In the barrel.
ARCHIE. Right.
OTTO. You English. You think you're so superior, don't you? Well, you're the filth of the planet. [KEN APPEARS, DRIVING A BIG BUT VERY, VERY SLOW ROAD-ROLLER] A bunch of pompous, badly dressed, poverty-stricken, sexually repressed, football hooligans. Good-bye, Archie.
ARCHIE. Well, at least we're not irretrievably vulgar.
OTTO. You know your problem? You don't like winners.
ARCHIE. Winners?
OTTO. Yeah. Winners.
ARCHIE. Winners, like North Vietnam?
OTTO. Shut up! We did not lose Vietnam. It was a tie.
ARCHIE. I'm telling ya, baby, they kicked a little ass there. Boy, they whupped your hide real good.
OTTO. No, they didn't.
ARCHIE. Oh, yes, they did.
OTTO. Oh, no they ... Shut up! Good-bye, Archie.
ARCHIE. You gonna shoot me?
OTTO. Yes, I'm afraid so, old chap. Sorry.
ARCHIE. Look, Otto!
OTTO. It's K ... K ... K ... Ken c ... c ... c ... coming to k ... k ... k ... kill me. How are you gonna c ... c ... c ... catch me, Ken? Now, where was I? Oh, yeah. Sh**! God ... f***ing limey cement. Wait! Kenny! May I call you Kenny?
KEN. Remember Wanda!
OTTO. I've got the deal of a lifetime. 50-50. You and me. What do you say? Okay, 60-40. That's my final offer.
KEN. Revenge!
OTTO. I've got an idea. You take it all. Yeah. Here's my boarding pass.
KEN. I'm going to ... I'm going to k ... k ... kill you.
OTTO. Okay, fine. Fine, Ken, come at me. Give me your best shot. Go on. You don't have the guts. Admit it. Okay, you have the guts. Good. Wait.
KEN. Death.
OTTO. All right, I'm sorry I ate your fish, okay? I'm sorry.
KEN. Revenge!
OTTO. Jesus, I said I'm sorry! What the ...
KEN. Got him! [ARCHIE RUNS OFF TO CATCH THE PLANE TO RIO DE JANEIRO]
KEN. Got you again, you bastard! Hey, I've lost my stutter. It's gone. I can speak. How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck would chuck wood?
IN THE AIRCRAFT
CABIN CREW Good afternoon, sir. Boarding pass. [ARCHIE SITS DOWN NEXT TO WANDA]
ARCHIE. Buongiorno, signorina. [SHE GRABS HIM AND KISSES HIM] Now, listen, two things.
One: Behave yourself from now on or I'll break your neck, okay?
Two: Gorbachev. Glasnost.
WANDA. Molotov.
ARCHIE. Blinis.
WANDA. Lenin.
ARCHIE. Pushkin.
WANDA. Chicken Kiev.
ARCHIE. Good. Dostoyevsky.
WANDA. Roubles [SHE PATS THE BAG OF JEWELS].
ARCHIE. Vladivostok.