Transcript #4: Stardust
A fantasy adventure in an alternative England
Stardust, Le mystère de l'étoile, El misterio de la estrella, O Mistério da Estrela Cadente, Der Sternwanderer, Hvezdný prach, Zvjezdana prašina, Zvezdana prašina, Gwiezdny pyl, Zvezdni prah, Αστερόσκονη, Tähetolm, Zvaigzdziu dulkes, Tähtisumua, Csillagpor, Звездная пыль, Зоряний пил, Yildiz tozu, スターダスト, 星塵傳奇
This film is based on the 1999 book by Neil Gaiman. Directed by Matthew Vaughn, it stars Charlie Cox (as Tristan Thorn), Claire Danes (as Yvaine), Michelle Pfeiffer (as Lamia), Robert de Niro (Captain Shakespeare) and Sienna Miller (as Victoria).
Levels: Intermediate to Mastery (B1 to C2)
Welcome to the transcript!
SCENE - THE SKY AT NIGHT
NARRATOR. A philosopher once asked "Are we human because we gaze at the stars, or do we gaze at them because we are human?" Pointless, really. Do the stars gaze back? Now, that's a question ... but I'm getting ahead of myself.
SCENE - AN ASTRONOMICAL OBSERVATORY
NARRATOR. Our story really begins here, 150 years ago at the Royal Academy of Science in London, England, where a letter arrived containing a very strange inquiry. It had come from a country boy, and the scientist who read it thought it might be a practical joke of some kind, But he duly wrote a reply, politely explaining that the query was nonsense ...
SCENE - A SMALL VILLAGE AT NIGHT
NARRATOR ... and posted it to the boy, who lived in a village called “Wall”, so named, the boy had said, for the wall that ran alongside it, a wall that, according to local folklore, hid an extraordinary secret.
SCENE - THE WALL, ACROSS A FIELD NEAR THE VILLAGE. A YOUNG DUNSTAN THORN IS ARGUING WITH THE GUARD
GUARD. I'm charged with guarding the portal to another world, and you're asking me to just let you through?
DUNSTAN. Yes. Because, let's be honest, it's a field. Look, do you see another world out there? No. You see a field. Do you see anything nonhuman? No. And you know why? Because it's a field!
GUARD. Hundreds of years, this wall's been here. Hundreds of years, this gap's been under 24-hour guard.
DUNSTAN. Well ...
GUARD. One more word, and I'll have you up in front of the village council!
DUNSTAN. Well, that ...that sounds rather final. I suppose I’d better just go home, then.
GUARD. Right, then. Night, Dunstan. [DUNSTAN STARTS TO WALK AWAY]
GUARD. Give my best to your father. [DUNSTAN TURNS AND RUNS PAST HIM]
GUARD. Stop! Stop!
SCENE - IN THE LAND ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WALL, DUNSTAN ENTERS A MAGICAL MARKETPLACE. AT A STALL WHICH SELLS GLASS FLOWERS, HE SEES A BEAUTIFUL GIRL, AND AN UGLY WITCH CALLED DITCHWATER SAL
SAL. I don't deal with time-wasters. [TO THE GIRL] Get over here and tend this stall. I'm off to the Slaughtered Prince for a pint. [SHE LEAVES DUNSTAN WITH THE GIRL, WHO FLIRTS WITH HIM]
DUNSTAN. Definitely. I mean, what I meant ... what I meant was ... these ones, the blue ones. How ... how much are they?
GIRL. They might be the colour of your hair. Or they might be all of your memories before you were three. I can check if you like. Anyway, you shouldn't buy the bluebells. Buy this one instead. Snowdrop. It'll bring you luck.
DUNSTAN. But what does that cost?
GIRL. This one costs a kiss. [THEY KISS]. Is she gone? Follow me.
SHE WALKS TOWARDS THE WITCH’S CARAVAN. DUNSTAN FOLLOWS HER BUT THEN HE SEES THERE IS A LONG SILVER CHAIN ON HER LEG
GIRL. I'm a princess, tricked into being a witch's slave. Will you liberate me? [DUNSTAN TAKES OUT HIS KNIFE AND CUTS THE CHAIN, BUT IT INSTANTLY REPAIRS ITSELF] It's an enchanted chain. I'll only be free when she dies. Sorry.
DUNSTAN. Well, if I can't liberate you, what do you want of me? [SHE SMILES, LEADS HIM INTO THE CARAVAN AND SHUTS THE DOOR]
NARRATOR. So, the scientist was wrong. The wall had successfully done its job of hiding the magical kingdom of Stormhold. The young man returned that night to his home in England, hoping that his adventure would soon be forgotten ... but nine months later, he received an unexpected souvenir.
SCENE - A SMALL COTTAGE ON A SNOWY NIGHT. THE WALL GUARD KNOCKS AT THE DOOR, AND DUNSTAN OPENS IT. THE GUARD GIVES HIM A BASKET.
GUARD. This was left at the wall for you. It says here his name is Tristan.
SCENE - THE SAME COTTAGE, SOME YEARS LATER
DUNSTAN. Tristan? Don't forget the flowers.
TRISTAN. Yes. I've got them. Thank you, Father.
NARRATOR. Eighteen years passed, and the baby Tristan grew up, knowing nothing of his unconventional heritage. But never mind how the infant became a boy, this is the story of how Tristan Thorn becomes a man, a much greater challenge altogether, for to achieve it he must win the heart of his one true love.
SCENE - TRISTAN WALKS OUT OF THE HOUSE AND ALONG THE VILLAGE STREET, THROUGH THE MARKETPLACE. HE THROWS A STONE AT THE UPSTAIRS WINDOW OF A HOUSE. IT’S VICTORIA’S BEDROOM, AND SHE’S INSIDE WITH TWO FRIENDS.
FRIENDS. It's him! It's him!
VICTORIA [LOOKING OUT OF THE WINDOW]. Humphrey? Humphrey?
TRISTAN. No, it's Tristan. [HE HAS A BUNCH OF FLOWERS]
VICTORIA. Oh. Did I leave something at the shop?
TRISTAN. No. I just thought I could bring... [HUMPHREY, TRISTAN’S RIVAL FOR VICTORIA’S AFFECTION, ARRIVES]
HUMPHREY. Tristan Thorn, shop boy by day, “peeping Tom” by night. Is there no end to your charms?
VICTORIA. Humphrey, there's no need to be like that. Be nice to the poor boy.
HUMPHREY [HE BREAKS THE FLOWERS WITH HIS SWORD-STICK]. Were those for Victoria? [TRISTAN PICKS UP A STICK AND USES IT LIKE A SWORD, BUT HUMPHREY KNOCKS HIM DOWN]. You were always useless at fencing in school, Tristan. In fact, I'm having trouble remembering if there was anything you were good at.
VICTORIA. Humphrey, that's enough. Are you all right?
TRISTAN [STILL LYING ON THE GROUND]. Yeah. Yeah, fine. [THE GIRLS LAUGH]
SCENE - NEXT MORNING. TRISTAN COMES INTO THE KITCHEN
DUNSTAN. Want some breakfast?
TRISTAN. No, I'm really late for work.
DUNSTAN. Are you all right?
TRISTAN. Yeah. Fine. Why?
DUNSTAN. Oh, I don't know. Last night, how'd it go?
TRISTAN. Oh, really good. Really, really good. [HE LEAVES]
SCENE - TRISTAN IS WORKING IN THE VILLAGE SHOP, WHICH IS CALLED MUNDAY & SONS. THERE ARE LOTS OF CUSTOMERS WAITING AND TRISTAN ALREADY HAS A CUSTOMER, BUT VICTORIA COMES INTO THE SHOP AND WALKS STRAIGHT UP TO HIM.
VICTORIA. Hello, Tristan.
VICTORIA. Pound of sugar, please. [THE OTHER CUSTOMERS IN THE QUEUE LOOK ANNOYED. TRISTAN’S EMPLOYER LOOKS AT HIM HARD]
VICTORIA. Let's see, a bag of flour, a dozen eggs. Oh, look, I'm sorry about last night. Humphrey was really rude. I also need a sack of potatoes, and some chocolate, please.
TRISTAN. May I perhaps see you tonight?
VICTORIA. No, but you may walk me home.
TRISTAN. Now? [HE LOOKS AROUND THE SHOP]
TRISTAN. Yes. Yes, I can.
SCENE - THE KITCHEN AT TRISTAN’S HOME. TRISTAN IS TALKING TO HIMSELF IN A MIRROR
TRISTAN. Father, I lost my job.
TRISTAN. Father, I don't... I lost my job. I'm sorry. [DUNSTAN COMES INTO THE KITCHEN]
DUNSTAN. You lost your job. Yes, so I heard.
TRISTAN. Father, I'm sorry. I... Maybe Mr Munday was right, maybe I am deluding myself. I'm not good enough for Victoria.
DUNSTAN. He said that? That's poppycock.
TRISTAN. You really want to know how it went last night?
TRISTAN. Not good. Come on. I'm wasting my time. I'm not like Humphrey.
DUNSTAN. Tristan, I can tell you that every man I ever envied when I was a boy has led an unremarkable life. So you don't fit with the popular crowd. Now, I take that as a very good omen.
SCENE - IT’S NIGHT, AND TRISTAN IS OUTSIDE VICTORIA’S HOUSE.
VICTORIA. Tristan, I clearly said...
TRISTAN. I know. You told me not to come. I have something for you. A surprise. [SHE SHUTS THE WINDOW AND HE STARTS TO WALK AWAY WHEN SHE UNEXPECTEDLY COMES OUT AND WALKS WITH HIM]
VICTORIA. It's not my birthday for another week, you know.
SCENE - A PICNIC AT NIGHT, UNDER A STARRY SKY WITH LOTS OF CANDLES AND A BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE
TRISTAN. Yeah, me, neither. [THEY DRINK]
VICTORIA. My God! This is delicious! How did... well, how does a shop boy afford all of this?
TRISTAN. I'm not a shop boy.
VICTORIA. God! I heard. I'm sorry. What are you going to do now?
TRISTAN. No. I mean, I'm not a shop boy. I was just working in a shop. And now I'm not. Now I'm free to live my life as I wish.
VICTORIA. This must have been all your savings.
TRISTAN. So? I can make more. That's the beauty of it. I never intended to stay in Wall, Victoria. There's a big world out there. I'm going to make my fortune.
VICTORIA. Now you sound just like Humphrey. He's quite a traveller. Do you know he's going all the way to Ipswich just to buy me a ring?
TRISTAN. Ipswich? Victoria, I'm talking about London or Paris or... A ring? Why is he... What kind of a ring?
VICTORIA. The word is he's planning to propose to me on my birthday.
TRISTAN. He's going to... And you're going to say yes.
VICTORIA. I can't exactly say “no” after he's gone all the way to Ipswich.
TRISTAN. "All the way to Ipswich"? Victoria, for your hand in marriage, I'd cross oceans or continents.
TRISTAN. Yes. Victoria, for your hand in marriage, I would go to the gold fields of San Francisco and bring you back your weight in gold. I would ... I'd go to Africa and bring you back a diamond as big as your fist. Or I'd go to the Arctic and I'd slaughter a polar bear and bring you back its head.
VICTORIA. A polar bear's head? You're funny, Tristan. People like you and people like me, we're just not ... I should be going. It's really late.
TRISTAN. Well, hold on, then. Let's at least finish the champagne.
NARRATOR. Had Tristan known then how the stars watched Earth, he'd have shuddered at the very thought of an audience to his humiliation but, fortunately for him, nearly every star in the sky was at that moment looking in earnest at the land on the other side of the wall, where the King of all Stormhold lay on his deathbed, which was a coincidence because it was the King's final act that would change the course of Tristan's destiny forever.
SCENE - INSIDE THE KING’S ROOM AT STORMHOLD. THE KING IS IN BED, AND THREE OF HIS SONS ARE STANDING BESIDE IT.
PRIMUS. He's on his way, Father.
THE KING. Then we shall wait.
SECUNDUS. Sorry I'm late, Father. I came as swiftly as I was able.
THE KING. Septimus. Primus. Tertius. So, to the matter of succession. Of my seven sons, there are four of you today still standing. This is quite a break with tradition. I had twelve brothers.
SECUNDUS. And you killed them all for your throne before your father, the King, even felt poorly. We know, Father. You're strong and courageous.
THE KING. And cunning. Most importantly, cunning. Secundus.
SECUNDUS. Yes, Father?
THE KING. Look through the window. Tell me what you see.
SECUNDUS. I see the kingdom, Father. The whole of Stormhold.
THE KING. And?
SECUNDUS. My kingdom?
THE KING. Maybe. Look up. [THE KING LOOKS AT SEPTIMUS, WHO STEPS FORWARD AND PUSHES SECUNDUS OUT OF THE WINDOW. THE KING LAUGHS]
SCENE - BACK IN THE KING’S ROOM WHERE THERE IS NOW A COLLECTION OF MANGLED GHOSTS. THE GHOST OF SECUNDUS JOINS THEM.
SECUNDUS. Sextus. Quartus. Quintus. You're alive. Oh, you're ...
GHOST. Stuck like this till the new king is crowned.
SECUNDUS. I was that close.
GHOST. Well, at least you haven't lost your looks.
SECUNDUS. Oh, please. You're not annoyed about that whole murder thing, are you? I mean, that was 10 years ago.
GHOST. Yeah. Great deal of good it did you, didn't it, killing me, Secundus? Because now, of course, now you are King of all Stormhold. Oh, sorry. Wait. No, you're not. You're dead.
THE KING. Una? Una?
TERTIUS. No, Father, it's me, your son. Tertius.
THE KING. Oh, where is your sister, Una?
PRIMUS. Sorry, Father. Nobody has seen Una for years now.
THE KING. Septimus?
THE KING. Tradition dictates that the throne must pass to a male heir.
SEPTIMUS. Exactly, Father. So why would I kill my sister when these cretins are still alive?
THE KING. Indeed. Therefore, we shall resolve the situation in a non-traditional manner. [THE KING TAKES OFF “THE POWER OF STORMHOLD” WHICH IS A NECKLACE WITH A LARGE RUBY. THE RUBY CHANGES COLOUR AND FLOATS IN THE AIR] Only he of royal blood can restore the ruby, and the one of you that does so shall be the new King of Stormhold. [THE KING FALLS BACK, DEAD, AND THE NECKLACE FLIES OUT OF THE WINDOW AND UP INTO THE SKY. THERE IS AN EXPLOSION IN OUTER SPACE AND THEN A SHOOTING STAR FALLS BACK TOWARDS THE EARTH]
SCENE - BACK AT THE CHAMPAGNE AND CANDLELIGHT PICNIC
VICTORIA. Oh, Tristan! A shooting star! Ah, beautiful!
TRISTAN. More beautiful than a fancy ring from Ipswich? Victoria, for your hand in marriage, I'd cross the wall and I'd bring you back that fallen star.
VICTORIA. You can't cross the wall. Nobody crosses the wall. Now you're just being silly.
TRISTAN. I'm not being silly. I'd do it. For you, I'd do anything.
VICTORIA. My very own star. It seems we have ourselves an agreement. You have exactly one week, or I'm marrying Humphrey. [THEY CLINK GLASSES TO SEAL THE AGREEMENT]
SCENE - THE MANSION OF THE THREE WITCHES, THE LILIM SISTERS (LAMIA, MORMO AND EMPUSA). LAMIA IS STANDING OUTSIDE, AND SHE SEES THE SHOOTING STAR GO OVERHEAD. SHE LOOKS VERY EXCITED.
SCENE - THE STAR CRASHES THROUGH A FOREST AND HITS THE GROUND, MAKING A HUGE CRATER. THE CENTRE OF THE CRATER GLOWS. THE CAMERA MOVES CLOSER AND WE SEE THAT RIGHT IN THE CENTRE OF THE CRATER, A BLONDE GIRL IS LYING. THE POWER OF STORMHOLD IS LYING NEXT TO HER.
SCENE - THE WITCHES’ MANSION
LAMIA. Mormo! Empusa! Wake up. Now!
EMPUSA. What is it?
LAMIA. A star has fallen. Where are the Babylon candles?
MORMO. You used the last one, Lamia, 200 years ago. Do you not recall?
EMPUSA. Perhaps we can obtain another.
LAMIA. Perhaps we can obtain another. Has your mind become as decrepit as your face, Empusa? You speak as if such things are freely available.
EMPUSA. I know, sister, I merely thought...
LAMIA. You'd have us hunting for a Babylon candle while some other witch finds our star. Fool. There's no time to waste. If we must retrieve it on foot, then we shall. Mormo, we need information. [EMPUSA USES A KNIFE TO CUT OPEN A LIVING FERRET. MORMO LOOKS AT ITS ENTRAILS]
LAMIA. If these divinations are correct, the fallen star lies 100 miles away.
EMPUSA. Four centuries we've waited for this. What hardship a few more days?
EMPUSA. Which of us shall go, then, to seek it and bring it back? [THEY CLOSE THEIR EYES AND EACH PICKS OUT A PIECE OF ENTRAILS. LAMIA CHEATS BY KEEPING HER EYES OPEN]
MORMO. I've his kidney.
EMPUSA. I've his liver.
LAMIA. And I've his heart.
EMPUSA. You'll be needing what's left of the last star. [THEY OPEN THE LID OF A BOX. A BRIGHT LIGHT SHINES OUT FROM INSIDE]
LAMIA. There's not much left.
MORMO. Soon, there'll be plenty for us all. [LAMIA SWALLOWS THE LAST PIECE OF THE STAR’S HEART, AND BECOMES YOUNG AGAIN]
SCENE - AT THE GAP IN THE WALL. TRISTAN WALKS UP, AND THE GUARD STANDS UP TO STOP HIM
GUARD. Dunstan Thorn. Not again.
TRISTAN. It's Tristan, actually.
GUARD. Oh. You do look a bit like your father. And I suppose you intend to cross the wall as well, do you? Well, you can forget it. Go home.
TRISTAN. Cross the wall as well as who?
GUARD. No one. Nobody. Nobody crosses the wall. You know that! Everybody knows that!
TRISTAN. Yeah ... no, no, I know. I understand. Nobody. Well, I’d better just head for the old homestead, then.
GUARD. Right, then. Night, Tristan.
TRISTAN. Good night.
GUARD. Give my best to your father. [TRISTAN RUNS PAST THE GUARD AND THROUGH THE GAP, BUT THE GUARD DOES SOME AMAZING NINJA MOVES AND KNOCKS TRISTAN DOWN]. Off you go.
SCENE - AT TRISTAN’S HOUSE
DUNSTAN. I thought I heard you come in. Hey, what happened? Are you hurt?
TRISTAN. No, I'm fine.
DUNSTAN. Was that Humphrey again?
TRISTAN. No. Actually, it was the guard. The guard at the wall.
DUNSTAN. Tristan, he's 97 years old.
TRISTAN. Well, that's given him plenty of time to practise, then, hasn't it?
DUNSTAN. Why, may I ask, were you trying to cross the wall?
TRISTAN. I might ask you the same thing.
SCENE - THE CRATER. THE GIRL IS STILL LYING THERE. SHE SEES THE POWER OF STORMHOLD NECKLACE LYING NEAR HER. SHE PICKS IT UP AND PUTS IT ON.
SCENE - IN THE LOFT OF TRISTAN’S HOUSE (A SMALL ROOM UNDER THE ROOF). TRISTAN AND HIS FATHER ARE SITTING TOGETHER BY CANDLE-LIGHT.
TRISTAN. I have a mother. I mean, I have a mother. She could still be alive.
DUNSTAN. Oh, I hope so. I certainly like to think so. [HE GIVES TRISTAN A SHORT PIECE OF SILVER CHAIN]
TRISTAN. The chain you cut. Just like you said.
DUNSTAN. And... [HE GIVES TRISTAN THE GLASS SNOWDROP]
TRISTAN. And the glass flower. The flower she sold to you.
DUNSTAN. She told me it would bring me luck.
TRISTAN. Thank you.
DUNSTAN. This was also in the basket. I've never opened it. It's addressed to you. [HE GIVES TRISTAN A SMALL ROLL OF PAPER, TIED WITH A RIBBON. TRISTAN OPENS IT AND FINDS A BLACK CANDLE INSIDE. HE READS THE PAPER]
TRISTAN. "My dearest Tristan, please know that I only ever wanted the best for you. Had my mistress allowed it, I would have kept you in a heartbeat. My dearest wish is that we will meet someday. The fastest way to travel is by candlelight. To use it, think of me and only me. I will think of you every day, for always. Your mother."
TRISTAN. Well, do you... do you have a light? [TRISTAN HOLDS THE BLACK CANDLE, DUNSTAN LIGHTS IT AND THERE IS A BLINDING FLASH OF LIGHT. TRISTAN DISAPPEARS]
SCENE - BACK IN THE CRATER. THE STAR IS TRYING TO STAND UP BUT ONE OF HER LEGS IS INJURED. SHE SEES A BRIGHT LIGHT IN THE SKY. IT GETS CLOSER VERY QUICKLY, HITS HER AND KNOCKS HER OVER. TRISTAN IS LYING ON TOP OF HER.
TRISTAN. Mother? Oh! Oh, Mother, I'm so... I'm so sorry. Are you all right?
YVAINE. No, I'm not. And I'm not your mother, so get off me!
TRISTAN. You're ... you're not my mother?
YVAINE. Do I look like I'm your mother?
YVAINE. You can help by leaving me alone!
TRISTAN. All right. Oh, my God. "Light the candle and think of me." I was. I was thinking of my ... but then Victoria and the star just popped into ... Oh, excuse me, madam. Sorry. This may seem strange, but have you seen a fallen star anywhere?
YVAINE. Hah, you're funny.
TRISTAN. No, really, we're in a crater. This must be where it fell.
YVAINE. Yeah, this is where it fell. It is. Or if you want to be really specific, up there is where this weird, bloody necklace came out of nowhere and knocked it out of the heavens when it was minding its own business. And over there is where it landed. And right here, this is where it got hit by a magical flying moron!
TRISTAN. You're the star! You're the star? Really? Oh, wow. I'm sorry. I had no idea you'd be a ... may I just say in advance that I am sorry?
YVAINE. Sorry for what?
TRISTAN. For this.[HE WRAPS THE MAGICAL SILVER CHAIN ROUND HER WRIST. HE IS HOLDING THE OTHER END] Now, if I am not mistaken, this means you have to come with me. See, you're going to be a birthday gift for Victoria, my true love.
YVAINE. Hah, But of course! Nothing says romance like the gift of a kidnapped, injured woman! I'm not going anywhere with you.
SCENE - A MAGNIFICENT LARGE ROOM IN THE CASTLE OF STORMHOLD. THE BISHOP IS TALKING TO PRIMUS
BISHOP. Hurry. You should be on your way now, Primus. You must find the royal necklace with the ruby before your brothers. [SEPTIMUS AND TERTIUS ARE STANDING IN THE DOORWAY, LISTENING] I should like to see you take the throne. The first benevolent king. I don't doubt Stormhold would be a better place under your rule.
SEPTIMUS. Really? Well, that is ... fascinating. Don't you think, Tertius?
TERTIUS. Yes, indeed.
BISHOP. Prince Septimus! Tertius. Well... Well. Since you're all here, won't you join me in a toast?
SEPTIMUS. What a very good idea.
BISHOP. To the new King of Stormhold, whichever of you fine fellows it might be. [THEY ALL DRINK TO “To the new King of Stormhold”. THE BISHOP STARTS TO CHOKE AND FALLS FORWARD ON THE TABLE, DEAD. THEY ALL LOOK AT THEIR GLASSES. TERTIUS ALSO CHOKES AND DIES. THEN SEPTIMUS STARTS TO CHOKE].
SEPTIMUS. You! [HE FALLS TO THE FLOOR. PRIMUS LOOKS ASTONISHED, THEN VERY HAPPY, BUT SEPTIMUS STARTS LAUGHING AND STANDS UP.]
SEPTIMUS. You really thought that you were king?
PRIMUS. You killed the Bishop?
SEPTIMUS. No, Primus. I think you'll find that you killed the Bishop by drinking out of the wrong cup. Oh, look, when you finish wrestling with your conscience, may I suggest you return to your chamber? Leave the quest for the stone to me.
SCENE - AT THE WITCHES’ MANSION
LAMIA. How have we lived this way all these years? [SHE CLICKS HER FINGERS, AND HUNDREDS OF LIGHTED CANDLES APPEAR IN THE CHANDELIERS. In my absence, I expect you to make it fit for the queens we are. When I return with our prize, all of us shall be young again. Never fear, my sisters. I will not fail.
SCENE - AT THE CRATER. IT IS STILL DARK, AND TRISTAN IS TRYING TO SLEEP
TRISTAN. Don't you ever sleep?
YVAINE. Not at night. It may have escaped your notice, genius, but that's when stars have rather better things to do. Like coming out, shining, that sort of thing.
TRISTAN. Yeah, well, it may have escaped yours, but you're not in the sky anymore. Coming out is off the agenda. Shining has been ... suspended until further notice. Oh, and sleeping during the day is O-U-T. Unless you have some magical ability to sleep while you're walking. Ha ha.
YVAINE. Have you not got it into your thick head yet? I'm not walking anywhere!
TRISTAN. Fine. Sit in a crater. I've had enough of you anyway. I was going to put you back in the sky once I'd brought you to my Victoria, but clearly, you'd rather sit on your own in the middle of nowhere, forever.
YVAINE. And just how were you planning to get me back to the sky?
TRISTAN. I find the fastest way to travel is by candlelight. [HE SHOWS HER A BLACK CANDLE STUB]
YVAINE. You've got a Babylon candle.
TRISTAN. Yeah, I have a bubbling candle.
YVAINE. A Babylon candle.
TRISTAN. That's what I said.
YVAINE. You said "bubbling."
TRISTAN. Anyway, I was going to give what's left of it to you.
YVAINE. Well, that barely has one use left.
TRISTAN. So be grateful I'm not using it right now to get us both back to the wall. Unless you have a better way of getting yourself home.
YVAINE. Fine! Help me up.
TRISTAN. All right, all right, I'm helping. And you are going to have to walk quicker than that. Otherwise, I'll never get you back to Victoria in a week.
YVAINE. Don't push your luck.
SCENE - AN ISOLATED COTTAGE IN A MOUNTAINOUS AREA. A WOMAN IS GIVING INSTRUCTIONS TO HER SON, BERNARD, ABOUT SELLING A WHITE GOAT AT THE LOCAL MARKET
MOTHER. Don't take less than a florin for him, Bernard! You understand?
BERNARD. Yes, Mother.
MOTHER. No dilly-dallying! And don't even think of stopping at the tavern, Bernard, or you’ll be sorry!
BERNARD. Oh. He's a bit small to pull your cart.
LAMIA. You're quite right. [SHE TOUCHES HIM ON THE FOREHEAD, AND HE TURNS INTO A BROWN GOAT] That's much better. Oh! [AFTER SHE DOES THIS MAGIC, BROWN SPOTS AND WRINKLES APPEAR ON THE BACK OF HER HAND]
MOTHER Bernard! Bernard!
LAMIA. Get on! [SHE DRIVES OFF WITH THE TWO GOATS PULLING HER LITTLE CHARIOT]
SCENE - SEVEN HORSEMEN IN BLACK RIDE FAST BESIDE A RIVER. THEIR LEADER IS PRINCE SEPTIMUS
SCENE - A BLACK COACH DRIVES FAST, PULLED BY FOUR BLACK HORSES AND DRIVEN BY PRINCE PRIMUS. THE GHOST BROTHERS ARE ASLEEP IN THE BACK
SCENE - YVAINE AND TRISTAN ARE WALKING ALONG A MOUNTAIN RIDGE
SCENE - LAMIA SEES A GYPSY CARAVAN PARKED BESIDE A MOUNTAIN LAKE. SHE DRIVES HER GOAT CHARIOT UP TO IT AND SEES DITCHWATER SAL, THE WITCH FROM THE MARKETPLACE AT WALL
SAL. Who goes there? What do you want with me, a poor old flower ...
LAMIA. Oh, do shut up. I know what you are and I swear by the ordinances of the sisterhood to which we both belong that I mean you no harm. I wish to share your meal.
SAL. Hmm, well, one can never be too careful. Sit down. I'll get you a seat. [THERE IS AN EXOTIC BIRD SITTING ON THE CARAVAN. SAL TURNS IT BACK INTO THE BEAUTIFUL GIRL WHO TRISTAN’S FATHER MET AT THE MARKETPLACE. THE GIRL BRINGS A SEAT FOR LAMIA
GIRL Anything else?
SAL. Nope. [SHE TURNS THE GIRL BACK INTO A BIRD, AND LOOKS AT THE ANIMAL SHE IS ROASTING OVER A FIRE]
SAL. What's it to be? Heads or tails?
LAMIA. Heads. [SAL CUTS THE ANIMAL IN TWO AND GIVES LAMIA THE HEAD END]
SAL. So, stranger, where are you headed off to on this fine day?
LAMIA. I seek a fallen star. She fell not far from here. And when I find her, I shall take my great knife and cut out her heart while she still lives. And the glory of our youth shall be restored. [AS SHE SPEAKS, LAMIA STARTS TO LOOK SURPRISED AND WORRIED]
SAL. Fallen star? That's the best news I've had in ages. I could do with losing a few years myself. So whereabouts did you...
LAMIA [NOW EXTREMELY ANGRY]. Limbus grass! You dare to steal truth from my lips by feeding me limbus grass? Do you have any idea what a big mistake you've made, Ditchwater Sal?
SAL. How do you know my ... who are you?
LAMIA. Look again. [SHE TRANSFORMS INTO A TERRIFYING FIGURE AND SAL FALLS TO HER KNEES]
SAL. I shall not seek the star, Your Dark Majesty. I swear.
LAMIA. Seek all you wish. [SHE LAYS A SPELL ON SAL] You shall not see the star, touch it, smell or hear it. You will not perceive her even if she stands before you. Aah ... [SHE SEES THAT HER LEFT HAND IS COVERED IN BROWN SPOTS AND WRINKLES] Pray you never meet me again, Ditchwater Sal.
SCENE - YVAINE AND TRISTAN ARE WALKING THROUGH A WOOD. YVAINE IS LIMPING.
YVAINE. Oh, right. So let me get this straight. You think you know we're going the right way because, and I quote, "I just do".
TRISTAN. I do, though, I don't know why, maybe it's my love for Victoria guiding me home.
TRISTAN. Yvonne, whether you like it or not...
YVAINE. Yvaine! My name is Yvaine. How many times do I have to... would you... ow! Would you please slow down?
TRISTAN. Yes, yes. Look, we're... we're going north, all right? The wall's north. And if you look up in the sky, even during the day, you can see the... the evening star. That's so weird.
YVAINE. That's funny. Hilarious. My sides are splitting.
TRISTAN. No, I mean it ... wait, that... that was you! Really? [THEY ARRIVE IN A CLEARING, AND YVAINE SITS DOWN AT THE BASE OF A BIG BEECH TREE.] What... What are... What are you doing?
YVAINE. What does it look like I'm doing? Sitting down. I'm tired.
TRISTAN. Please don't do this again. We agreed we'd stop off at the next village to eat and rest.
YVAINE. Come on, Tristan. It's midday. I never stay up this late! Please, let me sleep!
TRISTAN. Okay, you... well, then I'll ... you sleep. I'll go and get something to eat.
YVAINE. What are you doing? [HE TIES THE SILVER CHAIN AROUND THE TREE]
TRISTAN. What does it look like I'm doing? I'm making sure you don't run away.
SCENE - A LONELY BEACH BY THE OCEAN. THERE ARE SMALL ICEBERGS ON THE SAND. PRINCE SEPTIMUS IS THERE WITH HIS MEN AND A SOOTHSAYER.
SOLDIER. Your Highness, the soothsayer, as you requested.
SEPTIMUS. South, you said. South we went. Still no stone. Do you now propose we start swimming?
SOOTHSAYER. Sire, I've merely relayed to you what the runes have told me. I can do no more.
SEPTIMUS. Well, consult them again. Wait! Before we seek the stone, I have another question. Am I the seventh son? [THE SOOTHSAYER THROWS FOUR RUNE STONES INTO THE AIR. THEY COME DOWN WITH THE MARKED FACE UPWARDS]
SEPTIMUS. Another question. Is my favourite colour blue? [AGAIN, THE RUNE STONES COME DOWN WITH THE MARKED FACE UPWARDS]
SEPTIMUS. Has excessive begging or pleading ever persuaded me to spare the life of a traitor? [THE STONES COME DOWN WITH THEIR BLANK FACES UPWARDS] What does that mean?
SOOTHSAYER. That means no.
SEPTIMUS. Good. Throw them again. This time, throw them high. Do you work for my brother? [THE STONES COME DOWN WITH THEIR MARKED FACES UPWARDS. SEPTIMUS KILLS THE SOOTHSAYER] So, do we continue west? [HE THROWS THE RUNE STONES INTO THE AIR]
SCENE - LAMIA, ON A MOUNTAIN TOP, CATCHES HER RUNE STONES.
SCENE - THE FOREST CLEARING. IT IS NOW NIGHT. YVAINE IS STILL TIED TO THE TREE
YVAINE. Tristan? Who's there? Tristan, is that you? It's not funny. Tristan?
A UNICORN COMES OUT OF THE WOODS, WALKS UP TO HER, BREAKS THE SILVER CHAIN AND KNEELS SO THAT YVAINE CAN CLIMB ONTO ITS BACK. THEN SHE RIDES OFF
SCENE - LAMIA AND THE GOAT CHARIOT AGAIN. SHE RUBS HER RING AND TALKS TO HER SISTERS MAGICALLY
EMPUSA. Be careful how much magic you use, sister. It's beginning to show.
LAMIA. One goat and a small enchantment. Hardly extravagant.
MORMO. Well, even using the ring will take its toll. Better you call on us only in dire need. And use your runes to locate the star yourself.
LAMIA. I used them and she should be here. But now they're just telling me gibberish. [MORMO AND EMPUSA GRAB A SMALL CROCODILE, CUT IT OPEN AND LOOK AT ITS ENTRAILS]
EMPUSA. It is because you must stay where you are, my sister. She is coming to you.
MORMO. Oh, be warned, Lamia. Delicacy is needed. Misery has drained her. She's barely shining. Set a trap that ensures her heart is glowing before you cut it out.
SCENE - THE FOREST CLEARING. TRISTAN COMES BACK, BUT YVAINE IS NOT THERE.
TRISTAN. Yvaine! Yvaine! Oh, you idiot. [HE SITS DOWN BY THE TREE, PUTS DOWN A BOTTLE AND LOAF, AND SETTLES DOWN TO GET SOME SLEEP]
SCENE - A REMOTE CROSSROADS. LAMIA IS THERE WITH HER CHARIOT AND THE TWO GOATS. SHE TURNS WHITE GOAT INTO A MAN, TURNS THE BROWN GOAT BACK INTO BERNARD, BUT DOESN’T LIKE THAT AND TURNS BERNARD INTO A GIRL. SHE TURNS THE CHARIOT INTO A COSY INN
LAMIA. You are Billy, the innkeeper, I am your wife, and you're our daughter. Now, make everything ready. Our special guest will be here soon. [SHE PLAYS WITH HER OBSIDIAN KNIFE]
SCENE - YVAINE IS RIDING THE UNICORN THROUGH A WOOD
YVAINE. I mean, who's to say he'd have even kept his promise about the candle? I just refuse to believe he's the only person in Stormhold who could've helped me. Going on and on and on. Just "Victoria this" and "Victoria that."
SCENE - BACK IN THE CLEARING, WHERE TRISTAN IS ASLEEP UNDER THE FULL MOON. HE DREAMS THAT HE HEARS DISTANT VOICES
VOICES Tristan? Please protect our sister, Tristan. Yvaine is in grave danger. The unicorn came to help her, but now they're heading into a trap. No star is safe in Stormhold. The last to fall, 400 years ago, was captured by the same witches who seek Yvaine now. They tricked her, cared for her, and when her heart was once more aglow, they cut it from her chest and ate it. [TRISTAN WAKES UP BUT THE VOICES CONTINUE] There's no time to waste. A coach is coming. By any means possible, you must get on it. Run!! [TRISTAN SEES THE BLACK COACH AND STARTS TO RUN TOWARDS IT. THE GHOSTLY BROTHERS ARE IN THE BACK, AND PRIMUS IS DRIVING. TRISTAN TRIES TO JUMP ONTO IT BUT BOUNCES OFF THE SIDE AND FALLS OVER.
PRIMUS. Whoa! [HE STOPS THE COACH, GETS DOWN AND WALKS BACK TOWARDS TRISTAN, DRAWING HIS SWORD] If Septimus insists on sending a boy to do a man's job ...
TRISTAN. No, no, no, wait, please! I don't know a Septimus. I just need a lift. Look at me, look at me. I'm unarmed. Please. Please, let me ride with you.
PRIMUS. I'm afraid that's impossible. I'm on a quest of enormous importance.
TRISTAN. Well, then all the more reason to take me with you. There may come a time when you need a second pair of hands. Sir? Please. Maybe Providence sent me to you just as it sent you to me.
PRIMUS. Get on.
TRISTAN. Oh, yes. Thank you.
SCENE - LAMIA’S MAGICAL INN. IT IS RAINING HARD. YVAINE, SOAKING WET, ARRIVES ON THE UNICORN. SHE KNOCKS ON THE DOOR AND LAMIA OPENS IT
YVAINE. I honestly don't know.
LAMIA. Then let me choose for you, and I'll have my husband take your horse to the stable. Billy? Now, let's get you out of your wet things, shall we?
A FEW MINUTES LATER. YVAINE IS IN THE BATH, WHICH STANDS IN FRONT OF THE FIRE IN THE MAIN ROOM OF THE INN
LAMIA. Feeling better?
YVAINE. Much. Thank you. The warm water's actually done me a world of good.
LAMIA. You see? The powers of a nice hot bath. And your leg? [LAMIA MAGICALLY CURES YVAINE’S LEG] Any improvement?
YVAINE. That is extraordinary.
LAMIA. It's the very least I could do. I'm just glad you're feeling better. You seem happier in yourself, too.
YVAINE. I do feel happier. Less troubled.
LAMIA. Wonderful. Nothing like a nice soak to warm the cockles of your heart. [YVAINE STARTS TO GLOW. LAMIA LEADS HER INTO A GUEST BEDROOM] Now, I'm only a simple innkeeper's wife, but I've been told I have healer's hands. I'd be glad to give you a massage.
YVAINE. What's a massage?
LAMIA. Never had ... Well, bless my soul. Nothing like a massage to send you off for the finest and deepest night's sleep.
YVAINE. I do have trouble sleeping at night.
LAMIA. Lie on your back, dear. Why not close your eyes? You’ll drift off better that way. [LAMIA REACHES UNDER THE BED FOR HER OBSIDIAN KNIFE, BUT DOWNSTAIRS, PRIMUS ARRIVES AND BANGS ON THE DOOR]
PRIMUS. Hello! Service!
TRISTAN. Maybe we should carry on and try the next inn, especially if this stone is as close as your runes say.
PRIMUS. I'll give it one more try. [PRIMUS BANGS ON THE DOOR WHILE TRISTAN HOLDS THE HORSES]
LAMIA. Relax here, my love. I'll be back just as soon as I've taken care of this customer.
PRIMUS. At last. We require accommodation. Please help my friend take the horses to the stables. [LAMIA, AT THE TOP OF THE STAIRS, TAKES THE TOP OFF A LITTLE BOTTLE AND POURS ITS CONTENTS INTO A WINE GOBLET. PRIMUS SEES THE BATH FULL OF HOT WATER, TAKES OFF HIS CLOTHES AND GETS IN. YVAINE COMES DOWN THE STAIRS. PRIMUS SEES HER AND THINKS SHE IS THE INN-KEEPER]. I'm accustomed to better service, but you're awake now and that's what counts. Prepare your best room.
GHOSTS [THEY SEE THAT YVAINE IS WEARING THE POWER OF STORMHOLD]. She’s got the stone!
LAMIA. I'll thank you not to bother my guest, sir. I am the lady of this inn. Glass of wine? [SHE OFFERS HIM THE POISONED GOBLET]
GHOSTS. No, no, no, no, no.
PRIMUS. No. Until my brother is dead, I have vowed to drink only my own wine, though my friend in the stables might be glad of a drop. Your best room, perhaps?
LAMIA. Of course. [SHE GIVES THE GOBLET TO BERNARD (WHO IS STILL A GIRL)
PRIMUS [TO YVAINE]. I'm sorry. I presumed that ... travelling alone, are you? I've just stabled my four black stallions and my carriage. Well, I say mine. It belonged to my late father.
SCENE - OUT IN THE STABLES. BERNARD GIVES THE GOBLET OF POISONED WINE TO TRISTAN
TRISTAN. Thank you. That's so kind, thank you very much. My name's Tristan. What's yours?
BERNARD [IN A DEEP VOICE]. Bernard.
SCENE - BACK IN THE INN. PRIMUS IS BOASTING TO YVAINE, WHO IS NOT IMPRESSED.
PRIMUS. There was not a horse or beast he could not master. So much so that in his youth, he took to riding a camel, which was comical. When he passed, the carriage came to me ...
GHOSTS. She's got the stone!
PRIMUS ... and it's the largest in all of Stormhold, so they say.
YVAINE. How nice for you. If you’ll excuse me.
PRIMUS. Wait. That stone you're wearing. It can't be.
GHOSTS. Oh, finally. Yeah, good, well done, yes, sir.
PRIMUS. Come here. Let me see it.
SCENE - OUT IN THE STABLES. THE UNICORN BREAKS DOWN THE STABLE DOOR AND KNOCKS THE WINE OUT OF TRISTAN’S HAND. IT LANDS ON THE GROUND, SMOKING.
SCENE - BACK IN THE INN.
PRIMUS [TO YVAINE]. You have no idea what you're meddling with. I am Primus, the firstborn of Stormhold and I demand that you bring it to me! Bring me the stone! Now! [TRISTAN RUNS IN]
TRISTAN. Prince Primus! Don't touch anything they give you! They tried to poison ... [LAMIA WALKS UP BEHIND PRIMUS AND CUTS HIS THROAT AS HE SITS IN THE BATH. HIS GHOST JOINS THOSE OF THE OTHER BROTHERS]
TRISTAN [TO YVAINE]. Are you all right?
LAMIA. Billy! Get him! [BILLY CHARGES AT TRISTAN, BUT THE UNICORN CHARGES IN AND THROWS BILLY AGAINST THE WALL. BILLY TURNS BACK INTO A WHITE GOAT AS HE DIES. HOWEVER LAMIA MAKES TWO MAGICAL WALLS OF FIRE AND CATCHES YVAINE AND TRISTAN BETWEEN THEM. SHE WALKS FORWARD AND THEY RETREAT UNTIL THEIR BACKS ARE AGAINST THE WALL]
LAMIA. The burning golden heart of a star at peace is so much better than your frightened little heart. Even so, better than no heart at all.
TRISTAN [HE PUTS HIS HAND IN HIS POCKET]. Yvaine? Hold me tight and think of home. [HE PUTS THE STUB OF THE BABYLON CANDLE INTO THE MAGICAL FLAME AND THEY DISAPPEAR. LAMIA IS A SECOND TOO LATE TO STAB YVAINE, AND HER OBSIDIAN KNIFE BREAKS AGAINST THE WALL]
LAMIA. No!!! [YVAINE AND TRISTAN SHOOT UPWARDS LIKE ROCKETS BUT END UP STANDING ON A CLOUD IN THE MIDDLE OF A THUNDERSTORM]
SCENE - ON THE THUNDERCLOUD
TRISTAN. What the hell did you do?
YVAINE. What did I do? What did you do? "Think of home!" That was a great plan! You thought of your home and I thought of mine and now we're halfway between the two!
TRISTAN. Oh, you stupid cow! What did you think of your home for?
YVAINE. You just said "home"! If you wanted me to think of your home, you should have said!
TRISTAN. Some crazy lady was going to cut your heart out and you wanted more specific instructions? Perhaps you'd like it in writing! Or a diagram, maybe! [A NET FALLS ONTO THEM FROM ABOVE, TRAPPING THEM]
SCENE - ON THE DECK OF A SKY PIRATE SHIP. YVAINE AND TRISTAN, STILL IN THE NET, ARE SURROUNDED BY THE CREW IN THE MIDDLE OF A THUNDERSTORM.
THE MATE. Look, Captain Shakespeare! Caught ourselves a little bonus! A couple of Lightning Marshals!
CAPTAIN. They don't look like Lightning Marshals to me.
THE MATE. Why else would anyone be up here in the middle of a storm?
CAPTAIN. "Why else would anyone be up here in the middle of a storm?" Well, let's think. Maybe for the same godforsaken reason we are! Now, who are you? Let's see if a night in our lovely brig will loosen their lips! Get them in the brig!
THE MATE. You heard the man! Let's go! Get them into the brig and the rest of you scurvy dogs, back to work! We've got lightning to catch! Come on!
SCENE - IN THE SKY SHIP’S BRIG, WHERE TRISTAN AND YVAINE ARE TIED BACK-TO-BACK
YVAINE. They're going to kill us, aren't they?
TRISTAN. I don't know.
YVAINE. You know, it's funny. I used to watch ... I used to watch people having adventures. I envied them.
TRISTAN. You ever heard the expression "be careful what you wish for"?
YVAINE. What? So ending up with my heart cut out, that'll serve me right, will it?
TRISTAN. No. No, I didn't ... I didn't mean it like that. Look, I admire you dreaming. a shop boy like me, I could never have imagined an adventure this big in order to have wished for it. I just thought I'd find some lump of celestial rock and take it home, and that would be it.
YVAINE. And you got me. If there's one thing I've learned in all my years watching Earth, it's that people aren't what they may seem. There are shop boys, and there are boys who just happen to work in shops for the time being. And trust me, Tristan, you're no shop boy. You saved my life. Thank you.
SCENE - THE INN CROSSROADS. THE INN HAS GONE, BUT THE GOAT CHARIOT IS STILL THERE. SO IS THE BATH, CONTAINING THE DEAD BODY OF PRIMUS. SEPTIMUS ARRIVES WITH HIS MEN
SEPTIMUS. Well, well, well. The last brother dead. Which means that I'm king. I'm king! [HIS MEN SALUTE HIM]
GHOST. Not yet, brother.
SEPTIMUS. Damn. I still need the stone.
SOLDIER. Your brother doesn't have it?
SEPTIMUS. Well, why don't you find out? [BERNARD, BACK TO BEING A YOUNG MAN, CRAWLS OUT FROM UNDER THE GOAT CHARIOT. SEPTIMUS PUTS A KNIFE TO HIS THROAT] Where is my stone?
BERNARD. I don't ... the man, see, your brother... I heard him speak of a stone. Yeah, the girl had it. The girl had it.
SEPTIMUS. What girl?
BERNARD. I don't know. A girl. She got away. Because this was a trap set up for her, but your brother, he come just straight into it.
SEPTIMUS. A trap? Set by who?
BERNARD. A woman you should pray you’ll never meet. She ... she's gone. She took your brother's carriage.
SEPTIMUS. This woman wanted my stone?
BERNARD. No. She wanted the girl's heart. She said the girl was a star and she wanted to cut all her heart and ...
SEPTIMUS. Eat it? Oh, my God. Do you have any idea what this means? Everlasting life. King ... forever.
SOLDIER. It's not here, sire.
SEPTIMUS. This idiot's coming with us.
SCENE - LAMIA’S COACH. SHE LOOKS AT HERSELF IN THE WINDOW AND IS NOT HAPPY. WHEN SHE STROKES HER HAIR, A BIG PIECE COMES OUT. SHE USES HER RING TO TALK TO MORMO AND EMPUSA BY MAGIC
LAMIA. Ask again.
EMPUSA. We have asked again and the answer is still the same. She is airborne!
LAMIA. Well, she can't remain so forever. Inform me as soon as she touches ground! Immediately! Do you understand?
MORMO. Watch your tongue, sister! It is you and not we who've lost her.
EMPUSA. Lost her and broken the knife! Even if you apprehend her, how will you complete the deed?
MORMO. Perhaps you should return now and one of us set out in your place.
LAMIA. Don't be absurd. I'll bring her home and deal with her there. Be sure everything is ready for our arrival.
SCENE - BACK ON THE SKY SHIP, TRISTAN AND YVAINE ARE STILL TIED TOGETHER IN THE BRIG
YVAINE. Tell me about Victoria then.
TRISTAN. Well, she ... there's nothing more to tell you
YVAINE. Because the little I know about love is that it's unconditional. It's not something you can buy.
TRISTAN. Hang on. This wasn't about me buying her love. This was a way for me to prove how I felt.
YVAINE. And what's she doing to prove how she feels about you?
TRISTAN. Well ... look, Yvaine, you’ll understand when you meet her. All right? Provided we don't get murdered by pirates first.
YVAINE. Murdered by pirates. Heart torn out and eaten. Meet Victoria. I can't quite decide which sounds more fun.